Struggling

Some people are texting me, messaging me, asking me how I'm doing. And when I'm real and say, not so good. No one knows what to say.

I'm struggling.
I just want to be better. I want to be normal again. I want to be Ashley again. I want to engage with people again. I want to love life again. I want to read all the time again. I want to excel in what I do again. I want to make jokes again. I want to laugh again. I want to be fun again. I want to be outside again. I want to be easy going again. I want to be how I was on July 23. The day before all of this.

I realized that medicine scares me. I used to be such a huge proponent of medicine, but now that I have some, I'm scared. I'm sure it'll be good and helpful, hope so anyway. But what it actually is for scares the hell out of me.

What the doctor actually said, that I didn't write, scares the hell out of me. What it is actually going on is the most frightening thing I think I've ever encountered and I don't know what to do.

All I did was hit my head. No brain bleeding, no brain swelling, no permanent brain injury. So why are my symptoms so horrible. Why are they not going away. Why am I not recovering at the rate I should be.