Monday, November 20, 2017

Better vs. Safer

Being brave is something I've been thinking a lot about, lately. Ashley, be brave has essentially been an ongoing pep talk. Then, I got really sick and that impeded some of my plans, er, progress. Now that I'm starting to get better, be brave has started to creep back into my consciousness. Sometimes it's great. Sometimes it sucks. Because if there is anything I've realized it's that I'm not very brave.

I just had a conversation within myself of, "Well, which option is better? If the harder one happened, would it be worth it...would it be better?" And my response to myself was, "Yes, it would be. But the other option is safer. And safer sounds better."

The question of "what's the worst that could happen" is actually not all that helpful for me. Because I come up with very logical, realistic options. And safety is one of of my biggest values that I hold, and it comes out in a lot of decisions. Sometimes I need people to just not let me choose safety. Other times, I need people to support me when I choose safety.

A silly example of this is with colored pants.
Friend 1: Why won't you wear colored pants? What's the worst that could happen?
Friend 2: I really want to hear this. Although, Ashley will probably have a very logical answer and it will make total sense as to why she doesn't.

Later, when I separately told them my answer, both of them said it made sense and they understood.

There's a facebook group called, Girl be brave and it's beautiful. It's mainly a lot of memes and encouraging quotes, and sometimes women post really kind words to each other.

Anyways. I often pretty much always choose the safe option. I'm good at that. I'm not good at being brave. Being vulnerable. Being real. Telling people how I feel. Wearing colored pants. Asking questions I don't know the answers to. Giving a response to questions I don't know the answer to. Having a conversation without ignoring people.

Some of my friends tell me I'm better at this than what I think I am and remind me to give myself a little more credit than what I do. Sometimes, I do try to choose the "better" option and sometimes I succeed. But I sure do like the comfort of my safety bubble.

God isn't a far away being who encourages safety. He desires intimacy. In another video he says, "God makes himself vulnerable to dwell with his people." This one reminds me that to love is to be vulnerable.

I found some notes I wrote from a conference during undergrad. Here are two questions/answers from it:

What's one thing you could experiment with this week that would allow others to really see you?
Start a conversation about myself

What's the benefit of you doing this?
Someone told me that I test people, but I make the test so hard it's impossible to pass

Those are from about seven years ago. I really have been trying hard to work on this, particularly the first one.

The second question cracks me up, but not in the good way. People have told me the same thing (making tests hard to pass), so I guess I haven't been as good at that one...However! The language has changed from "impossible" to "hard", so I think I have made tremendous
improvement. 

Safer isn't always better. But it sure feels like it is.