Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Being Affected By Something That Didn't Happen

I was "supposed" to have gone to India over this past summer for two months. I was going to go with other women from the United States and serve people in India. There were a lot of hard things I had to work through by not going, some of which I will share here, because I think I owe it to people to try to better explain what happened and how it affected me. 

To better understand this post, I encourage you to read the posts where I began to tell about the trip and when I announced that I wasn't going to India.

June 5, 2011. India. I moved. I went. I acted. I didn't end up going, but that doesn't mean I was wrong. We are to always be moving and doing. Always go at full force. God is always the Provider. I still trust in Him and still follow hard after Him. He's not finished with me yet. I am still being used by Him. I cannot stop acting/moving. I can't stop trusting Him or fellow believers. I must still love, trust, and pray. God still loves me, still loves India. 

I felt a weight lifted off when I decided not to go. I was doing too much, taking a lot on. But I never stopped moving or growing. I often felt alone, but I was always influencing and loving. I must continue to do, while also working on being vulnerable. 

God is love. God calls us to act and love. Always. 

Even though I didn't go to India, I was still affected by it. Not doing something you plan on doing sucks. Especially when it's due to money. When people ask me why I didn't go to India, I simply tell them, "I didn't raise enough money" and each and every time they say, "That sucks" and then we move on. End of conversation. It did, and does, suck. This is a list of some of the things I had to battle with by not going.
  1. So many people said that if God wanted me to go, I would have gone.
    • I didn't go, so does that mean God didn't want me to go? I'm not so sure. I struggled a lot with this concept over the summer because I didn't understand this. God can work miracles, so why didn't He? I didn't understand it, and I still don't fully. Because I do think that we need to always be acting, doing, and moving. Jesus tells us to go tell the nations, so how does that line up with Him not wanting me to go? I'm working on a better answer. 
  2. "Everything happens for a reason"?
    • This saying drives me crazy. I read that is, everything that happens was supposed to happen. That doesn't make any sense. You're telling me that all this hurt is supposed to happen? That when someone is raped, that was supposed to happen? That when people don't care, that's supposed to happen? I disagree. Yes, people can learn from things. Yes, God can do cool things through crummy situations. But I don't think that means that the crummy things were actually supposed to happen. What I got to do because I didn't go to India was neat and really good and actually, quite necessary. But I think that if I went to India, that would have also been neat and really good and actually, quite necessary. 
  3. Maybe I'm not good enough. 
    • Lie. I am good enough. I am strong enough. I do love Jesus. I do love people. I do care about the sex industry. This one was the hardest to handle. 
  4. I wanted to stop trusting the Church.
    • With a mission trip like this, one person isn't going. Rather, each person is backed by the Church. I needed people to pray for me. I needed people to support me. I needed people to help fund the trip. I didn't have $4,200. But I could do quick math to realize that only a small number of people needed to be sacrificial with their giving for me to go. I raised about half of what I needed. I needed help from the Church, and I didn't get it. I didn't want to ask the Church for help ever again. I didn't want to share my life or be vulnerable with any part of me with the Church, because the Church wasn't there for me when I most needed it. 
  5. I wanted to stop moving.
    • I felt like I failed. I tried to move, and it didn't work. The easiest response is to just stop.  
  6. I had to deal with my pride...again. 
    • I had to deal with my pride when I had to ask for help to go to India. When that didn't happen, I had to deal with my pride and tell people that I essentially failed. Because when you tell people that you're no longer going on a mission trip, they look at you differently. You no longer seem like a worthy person or Christian to them. Dealing with that and fighting that off is the pits. 
  7. I was mad at the Church. 
    • For not helping fund me, but most especially because I was told, "I don't support you, because India isn't safe". I know it's not safe. That's WHY I am going there. It's not safe, but I trust Jesus. It's not safe, but I love the people there. It's not safe, but I don't care because my life isn't mine. If I say I live to serve, I mean it. If the Church says she lives to serve, I sure as heck don't see it. The Church had the opportunity to do something and she didn't. I was mad. 
Those are the main things I have had to really try to understand and battle throughout these last couple of months. I think there are more, but it's past 4:00 in the morning...

I do want to say that I am doing better with these things. I had to work with God on my frustrations with Him and the Church. I was most frustrated with the Church, and that's something I'm still not "over" yet. Trusting, and in a sense, forgiving, the Church has been a hard process, especially because this wasn't the only time I felt like I had been let down by the Church. Even though I didn't go to India, I was still affected by it. 

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Why You Cry?

Warning: Another "real" post

My eyes burn right now. I'm not even sure I can for real complete this post because they hurt so badly. Why do they hurt? Because I cried for like an hour today. I know, right? Gee whiz.

I have been ridiculously sick these past five days or so and finally went to the doctor to get it checked out. I hate going to the doctor because you have to pay money for someone to label your issue and...that's about it. That's basically what happened today...They told me that what I have doesn't normally last as long as it has and are slightly concerned that it's going on so long and not getting better. And my oxygen levels were abnormally low and that I was "definitely sick". Joy. Anyways, I've been prescribed antibiotics and I need to get those filled and cough medicine and lots and lots of sleep and relaxation. I was even given a doctor's note to not work for the next four days. While this isn't the official for real cause, it was hinted that the cause for all of this nonsense is stress. What the what. It's barely week two of school. I'm already so stressed that I'm sick for a week and have two days of basically bed rest? Crap.

That little anecdote was my Thursday morning. To go on with the rest of my day, I had to miss all of my classes because my head throbbed. Awesome. I don't miss class. (I mean, I did last semester, but that was just..a rough semester..) Not only did I have to miss class, I had to miss my desk shift and meetings and IV. I had things scheduled literally back to back from 9:30am-2:00am. And I had to miss every single thing. The first few hours, I fought it. I got upset with my supervisors for making me go to the doctor. I was mad at myself for missing class and everything else. Literally, somebody had to take my hand and bring me to bed before I stopped fighting. To top all of this off, it thundered a lot today and I apparently have a huge fear of thunder.

After my friend left my room, I didn't sleep like I was supposed to. I couldn't. After a few minutes, I started to cry. And then the flood came. Pillow, blankets, sheets, you name it. They were all drenched. Full body shaking. At first, I had no idea why I was crying. Absolutely none, which ticked me off even more (I wasn't in the best of moods today).

Why the heck was I crying?! And then I realized why. I was ridiculously stressed. (Side note: I'm using past tense, even though it's probably present tense as well...)

  • I was stressing about work.
  • I was stressing about school.
  • I was stressing about money.
  • I was stressing about the future.
  • I was stressing about tests and papers.
  • I was stressing about the front desk.
  • I was stressing about my hall. 
  • I was stressing about my wing.
  • I was stressing about my staff.
  • I was stressing about my family.
  • I was stressing about my friends.
  • I was stressing about my car.
  • I was stressing about people. 
  • I was stressing about messes.
  • I was stressing about programs.
  • I was stressing about small things.
  • I was stressing about big things.
  • I was stressing about Items Tracking.
  • I was stressing about Payroll.
  • I was stressing about Packages.
  • I was stressing about food.
  • I was stressing about even more things that I don't want to write. 
  • I was stressing about missing class.
  • I was stressing about getting things done.
  • I was stressing about other things I'm not willing to share.
  • I was stressing about my calendar.
  • I was stressing about my memory.
  • I was stressing about seeking perfection.
  • I was stressing about already missing a paper.
  • I was stressing about missing a quiz (it was in class today). 
  • I was stressing about my grades (yeah, already). 
  • I was stressing about missing so many things this week.
  • I was stressing about friendships.
  • I was stressing about relationships. 
  • I was stressing about driving.
The list goes on and on and on. All of those things, I didn't have to think about--because those are for real. Legitimately, I have been anxious about every single thing on that list. Trying to deal with those stressors, plus actually doing my job right, plus trying to do school, was just too much. After I cried and realized why I was crying, I felt slightly better. It relieved some of the tension in my head (unfortunately, it has all come back and I have a massive headache now). 

Usually, when I get sick it's because I go so hard and just kind run out of steam and crash. I'm sick for a few days, and then the cycle continues. Here lately, it's as if I hit that wall a lot sooner and a lot harder. 
I mean, the second week of school? Gosh.