Monday, May 30, 2016


I went on my first solo vacation trip this Memorial Weekend to San Diego, CA and it was glorious. It doesn't even hardly feel real, which was partially why it was so nice--I didn't think about anyone or anything outside of where I was in the moment. I texted a few people every now and then, mainly to provide general safety updates, but otherwise, I didn't really use my phone. (And to take some pictures, but even then, I focused on enjoying the present moment rather than trying to capture things for the future.)

There are few places I love more than the beach. Actually, I can't really think of any place I love more than the beach. It's one of my "secret" loves (I don't talk about it often, but not necessarily hiding it). Except when it's dark, because then it terrifies me, I love bodies of water.

I visited two universities, a few beaches/coves, harbors, parks, museums, a national monument, and did a boat tour. And I read an entire book (The Husband's Secret, for book club). And slept soundly. 

Not once did I feel rushed, pressured, lonely, bored, bummed, sad, annoyed, stressed, scared, nervous, worried, or upset.

Sometimes I felt a little confused because I would get kind of lost, but always found my way. I mainly felt contentment, bliss, and calmed. Except every single time I saw the ocean, my face lit up like a Christmas tree, it was a little ridiculous. I couldn't contain my excitement and joy each time I saw the water. 
Seriously, in the car as I rounded a curve and saw the ocean. And whenever I walked a shoreline or by a bay, I'm pretty sure people may have thought I was nuts, because I was walking with this big goofy grin that I couldn't contain. Water does that to me..

This was my first trip that I can think of that I have ever done without an agenda. Without an itinerary or purpose. I've done solo trips before, but always for a reason. That's what made this one special. There was no reason to go other than to just go. 

I always have a purpose and a plan and a reason. "Let's just see what happens" is a phrase I despise. 

I've been working on trying to be more "go with the flow", spontaneous, and flexible. Doing things because you want to. If I wanted something longer than three seconds, I did it or I bought it. I created a list of things I wanted to do and then just did them. 

I might make this a tradition...but in the meantime, I need to figure out how to start to integrate some of this past weekend's experiences into my real life.

Sunday, May 15, 2016


Yada (Hebrew): To know and be known completely; to be chosen and pursued.

My relationship with Christ should be the most intimate relationship I have. And my close relationships should mirror this type of relationship, but my relationship with Jesus trumps all. At least it should and that's what I want...except it's not always what I want and I start choosing to be a "fan", rather than a follower. I have actively chosen to not engage with my Creator recently because I knew it would mean to give up some of the choices I've made. I have made a lot of bad choices lately. I have actively chosen things I knew I shouldn't. I have chosen jealousy over trust; knowledge over intimacy; fear over joy. Partially because it was just easier. But I've started to come face to face with those decisions and it's been tearing me up. Now, I'm at another one of those crossroads moments.

And I choose the rugged, glorious cross. Because a second chance is heaven's heart (RCE--"Second Chance").

"Fans choose knowledge; followers embrace intimacy."

Knowledge: Study, learn; it is valuable and important, but it cannot replace intimacy. Knowledge can be easier, but it's not as worthwhile if it's all we choose.

In all areas of my life, I have been choosing knowledge recently. It's wonderful to pursue knowledge, but in pursuit of it I have also chosen to resist intimacy. It's not how it has to be, but it's what I have chosen. And it's been wrecking me, because I know how purposeful and valuable and necessary intimacy is. Yet, I keep trying to shut it out. Because jealousy, fear, and knowledge have been easier to hang on to.

To be intimate and vulnerable. Yada. 

Intimacy requires vulnerability.
Yada with my Abba.
How beautiful to be fully known and wholly loved.

He knows me, He knows me, He knows me. He calls me to Him, again and again, despite my choices. And he forgives me and still calls me His child.

My child, my beloved, my daughter, my love. Be intimate and vulnerable. Come to me, come at my feet and give up your jealousy. Stay here, with me. Stay and grow in me. Then, go and have these relationships with others. Relationships of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, and self-control. That is what I have called you to. To have intimate, beautiful, vulnerable, full of life relationships. Not relationships with bitterness, jealousy, hurt, mistrust, anger, resentment, lies, and fear. Stop it. That is not what you were created for. You were created for my joy. You were created to honor me in all you do, especially in your engagement in relationships. So engage in relationships. Real ones. Be intimate and vulnerable. And trust in me. I love you, my dear.