Therapy

I had my first speech therapy session today. The doctor put in a request for a whole year...the speech pathologist said it shouldn't be that long. Holy geeze, I would hope not. She wanted to see me twice a week, but my schedule doesn't really allow for that, so I have to go once a week. I also have to do physical therapy, so that will start next week too.

I took the impact concussion test again, third time. I did really poorly. I decreased one standard deviation in two of the categories and my cognitive efficiency level is now at .24 (average is .34).

I have my first paper due this week and the research is 4342 times harder than it should be. 

A Compromise of Sorts

I thought a lot this weekend about withdrawing. Because the truth is I won't do well this semester. I can't really do things. My brain doesn't function how it should right now. I'm not doing well.

I decided I would stay in school, so long as I do two things.

Today, my field instructor sent me home. She said I couldn't drive, so she drove me home in the middle of the day. Because I wasn't doing well. My speech was off again. I was walking funny. She said it's like I've had 4 drinks. That really is how it is. It's like I'm doing everything as if I were pretty tipsy. That's how my reaction times are, my words sound, my brain moves.

Yesterday, I had a doctor appointment. She is so kind. And I think both she (PCP) and mTBI doctor are on the same page in that, professionally, they don't think I should do school. But on a personal level, I think they get where I'm coming from and are willing to let me do it. She reminded me though that no one would fault me for withdrawing. No one would say, "Why weren't you able to handle it?". And she said she was more than willing to write any medical note for anything. She would talk to the school if she needed to.

The doctors are on my side and I love them for that. They're trying their hardest to get me better. And for me to do my part is probably to not be in school. But since I can't bring myself to do that, I'm going to try to do other things.

They wanted to give me a handicap permit, but I don't think I meet the legal requirements and would feel weird with one, so I have to have a special parking permit on campus to park close, because I can't walk a long time.

Both of the doctors have come to the conclusion that should I keep my current schedule, I will be battling this the entire semester. I'm only on week 4 and I'm already really struggling.

And I have to stay on my medicine for a long time now. One of them was extended for 6 months, but the hope is I don't have to take it that long. 

Withdrawing

I had my follow up concussion appt Monday. I retook the IMPACT test. I improved in some areas, regressed in others. Overall, somewhat improved, although "remarkable improvement" given my schedule, according to the doctor. She upped my medication, so now I have to take medicine morning, noon, and night. She wants me to slow down more. I asked her where the line was between pushing myself and trying to engage and when I should be resting. She said I'm not at the point where I should be pushing myself, I haven't improved enough. She said I need to be resting as much as possible and if I could go to bed even at 7pm and sleep through the night, that would be best.

This week, I struggled quite a bit. And, I did something to my shoulder (it seems like tendonitis), so I can't hardly use my right arm these last few days--hurts to extend, get dressed, raise hand, turn head, etc. And I still don't know if I'm allowed to take ibuprofen, which would probably work wonders.

Anyways. So, I have seriously been considering withdrawing from school. That's what the doctors want me to do. That's what other people's suggestions have been. Just delay school for one year. And in the past, I was so stubborn, I just said no way.

But I'm really struggling. It's hard to keep up. I'm not critically thinking like I was. I'm not as sharp.

Nearly every person who never knew me before the concussion has said I seem totally normal, and they wouldn't have known I had mTBI. At first, I was kind of offended, on one hand, and on the other, glad I was "normal". It dawned on me, these last few days, that I didn't realize how smart I actually was. I never realized that I was actually really good at things, until people have said I seem "normal". I've had difficult times in school, but I've never truly struggled to grasp things like I am now. I've never had so much trouble with my words, I've never gotten so confused or lost in discussions, like I do now. I didn't struggle with interactions like I do now. To those who haven't seen me or talked to me and just read this, I can't really explain how I am in person.

I'm just like...an average person, I suppose. I keep up, I can do things, I can meet standards. I'm just not excelling. And excelling was what was normal for me. Excelling was meeting standards. Going beyond excellence was truly excelling to me.

I always thought I was "normal". I didn't realize I was actually good at what I did or how high my standards really were. That's been a huge revelation for me these past few days.

Anyways, withdrawing.

Pros:

• I could actually rest and truly recover. 
• I wouldn't struggle like I am now.
• I could go home. 
• I would be doing what I'm supposed to be doing..

Cons:

• It would delay my plan. 
• I wouldn't graduate when I'm supposed to.
• Not my choice. Not my idea. 
• Not really what I want. 

A few hours ago, I was bawling in my car. I've cried several times due to this thought. I've only had this conversation with two people, where we've seriously talked about this. And if I'm being honest, withdrawing probably is the right thing to do. It would just delay me a year. And I am really not doing great. But if I'm being more honest. I'll probably still pass this year. Even if I don't get "exceeds" and A's in everything. I'll still learn. Maybe not as much as I could, but I'll still learn a little. 

I don't know if it's the right choice or just me being stubborn. I don't know what it's going to look like, come mid term. A few hours ago, I was almost ready to begin the process. And I'm still considering it. 

And I have never in my life really considered withdrawing from school. Ever. 

So I'm struggling. And I don't know what to do. 

The Weekend

I slept. I slept for almost the entire weekend. My roommate thought I had left for the weekend because I didn't even leave my room or make any noises.

Saturday I was literally in my bed all day. Most of it, asleep. Sunday, I at least made it down to the couch, but still slept most of it. Monday, I actually did a lot better. I was able to do homework and read and hang out with my roommate. I accidentally fell asleep on her 4 times, so still rested quite a bit and get tired pretty easily.

I think Friday wore me out. Luckily, I also have most of Tuesday off too.

But rest is what's supposed to make me all better. And the neurologist said that the fatigue/tiredness/drowsiness/etc will be the last thing to go away. With the exception of that, I think/hope that's pretty much the main symptom now?