Africa Is Still Teaching Me--And I'm Still Listening

The other day I was thinking about my life and I realized that I still wouldn't be surprised if I ended up in a village in Africa. (*That's how this blog got started--spending time in villages with Africa.) As much as I want to be in corporate life, and I think I could add a lot of good to it, I think I'm most content getting to know people and investing in people's lives. And Africa is such a diverse, interesting, humbling continent. I'm not necessarily explicitly looking to go there. Just that I wouldn't be surprised. And that sounds so much better than a multi-million dollar home--I know, I can't actually believe that I'm saying that, but I realized it was true. My best days are when I'm investing in people and connecting to other people--really getting to know them. When I'm closer to God. When I'm in alignment with the Holy Spirit and display the fruits of the Spirit--those are my best days. And even if this is all for not, even if Jesus isn't real, though I'm convinced He is, it's a great way to live. And for that, I'm so thankful. What I know is that Jesus loves and desires and yearns for people. Therefore, so do I. 

*Sometimes, I get embarrassed about my mission trip to Africa and I had to really dig deep as to why and realized that it's primarily because of the stigma of overseas mission trips. And that sometimes it's hard to actually share how much I really do believe in Jesus and what He did on the cross.

For me, going to Africa was truly life changing. That's where I actually learned that God is bigger than the God of America. That's where I actually learned that to love God is to love people. That's where I learned that God speaks every language and how small I am (in a humbling way) for only knowing one language. That's where I learned that the entire Bible is actually relevant, not just the New Testament. And I darn well better get to know it. That's where I actually learned that people are God's heart. It's where I learned that it's not about my education, my credentials, my salary (or what I wanted to have as a salary, since I was still in college at the time). It's where I learned that life is about people. Connecting to people. Getting to know them. Investing in them. It's where I learned that it's important to know the people you are talking to; learn about them; talk to them and use an interpreter if you have to. Those in the villages that we visited LOVED having us there. And the group I was with didn't just come and go--the organization was connected to locals. They've now focused their mission into one country (Uganda; I had gone to South Africa). If I go back to Africa, or any "overseas" (outside of North America) mission trip or live somewhere else longterm, it's to learn, to invest, to connect. And it's not to force my beliefs on others, because I'm so convinced that free will and people's own decisions to choose for themselves is part of the heart of Jesus. Nothing about healthy relationships should be forced.

I'm so convinced that while I love America, there is so much more to the world. My time in Africa taught me that God loves people so much more than I could ever fathom. Going there made me realize my privilege and my training as a social worker has taught me how to better use my privelege. I never felt like we were "better than them" (which is I think largely where the stigma comes from?); rather I felt so humbled and grateful that they were willing to teach us, to connect with us, to learn from us. I learned so much from those that we met. I learned so much about the country. I learned so much about God. 

I believe that black lives matter because how much I believe God loves people. We were the only white people in the villages that we visited and I remember being confused about how excited they were that white people were visiting them and when we had real conversations, we had to lift the veil that we were special because we were white--we weren't. We were in their home (literally, we went into people's homes). They were special. What we were was grateful. They were so full of joy, pride, humility, gratitude, brilliance, kindness, triumph, heartbreak, questions, connections. I loved learning and connecting and it's been over ten years since I've been there and I remember how amazed I was at learning how great and big our God is. And with the combination of my experience and knowledge since then, and all that's happened in America since then, again and again I say, people are God's heart. I've started thinking about politics different, about my stance on things differently, about what I believe and why differently--for so many things I go to the root of "does this reflect what I believe about God?" And I've changed my mind about some things, I've become firmer in other things, and I continuously re-evaluate other things. 

To clarify. I still love America. I still only speak English. I'm not ashamed of being white, but I recognize that I have privilege with my skin color. I don't actually like to travel and don't necessarily have a desire to travel to hundreds of countries. But I so love the world and am so grateful there are people who have that desire or people who can speak multiple languages. 

So don't be too surprised or upset if I end up deciding to live in a village in Africa or somewhere else outside of America 😁

Does It Matter?

More and more I've been thinking about how much I want people to consider the possibility that the resurrection story is real. Strip away the way that God and Christianity are portrayed or what you may currently think of it. At the core, the belief that there is a God who loves us and desires a relationship with us. 

What if it were true that there is a good God who is just, merciful, holy, full of grace, and loving? And what if it were true that Jesus willingly died on the cross and rose again and willingly took our shame, fear, and doubts? What if the resurrection story were real? 

There's A LOT to unpack regarding logic, faith, beliefs, etc and we can totally dive into that. But for now, just start with this--

Are you willing to:

1. Consider the possibility that it COULD be real (not necessarily accept that it is).  

2. If it were real, what might that mean?

As for me, I have made a decision that it is real and that it not only matters, it's the most important thing in the universe. For me, I want to continue to realize how radical His love is and how much it really does matter that He died and rose again. Sometimes, it can feel like "just a story". Other times, I believe it to be true, but not recognize how much it matters. But, oh God, does it matter. It matters that there is a God who loves us. It matters that there is a God who is just, merciful, holy, full of grace, loving, and seeking us. It matters that He pursues us and that He willingly took our shame, fear, and doubts and it matters that He gives us the freedom to choose. It matters that there is a God who is the I AM. Even with doubts, those can be dealt with and wrestled with and discussed. But first, consider the possibility that this could be true--then what might that mean?

Christ is Enough

Yesterday the song "Christ is Enough" came into my head during prayer and I went to get my headphones, journal, and Bible. I spent hours just praying and being with Christ. 

I'm pulled into the depth of how much God loves us. How much He loves me and all of humanity. Desperately, fervently. Oh, how He loves us. Thank you, Lord. For loving, loving, loving, loving so earnestly. The cross before me, the world behind me. No turning back. Reading the book of Colossians, one of my favorites. So dearly loved and I am so grateful. I was struggling and God pulled me into Him and I always feel so much more steady when I'm abiding in Christ. His truth anchors me. Anchors me in grace, love, truth, holiness. I'm so convinced that God is good, that God is worthy, that God is just, merciful, and full of abounding forgiveness and grace. Thank god for that. The true joy found in Jesus is more than anything or anyone can offer. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Christ has risen from the grave. 

 

Truth Be Told

Earlier this month, after work, I spent an hour in my car in the parking lot, most of it crying. Like full-on sobbing, tears streaming down my face. Like my face, shirt, pants, and car seat were soaked. I also had Matthew West's "Truth Be Told" on repeat. Nothing had actually happened, it was actually a pretty good day; I think I was just feeling so burnt out and overwhelmed and stressed. I only told one person, and I said: I think that I just feel like I have to take on the weight of the world. I know I don't, and I've come far from where I was in that belief, but every now and then, it totally gets a hold of me. Like I just need to be reminded that nobody needs me to be perfect and that my worth isn't defined or dependent on my performance. That even when I feel like I'm failing, it doesn't actually mean I am. I almost didn't tell anyone and then was like Hold up, Ashley. Just share. You've been working at that. That person told me it sounded like I had done a good job at reminding myself and I was like "Oh gosh, you're right!" I also reached out to someone else and was essentially like Hey, can you just send me some encouraging words over the next few days. I just knew what I needed and I was glad I was able to ask them. Tremendous growth. 

Also during my time of full-on sobbing, there was a moment when I tried to stop myself and "use my coping skills". And then I realized that I didn't need to use my coping skills. I wasn't do anything wrong or bad. That crying was okay and a good thing and that I realized that at that moment what I needed to do was to feel my feelings. I needed to let myself feel, not just cope through it and not just move on. So then I started crying again, probably even louder and wetter than the first time. 

Lie number one you're supposed to have it all together 

And when they ask how you're doing

Just smile and tell them, "Never better"

Lie number two everybody's life is perfect except yours

So keep your messes and your wounds and your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

Truth be told, the truth is never told

I say "I'm fine, yeah I'm fine, I'm fine, oh I'm fine, but I'm not"

I'm broken 

The days following that breakdown (it was on a Tuesday), I was doing really well, and then something was said (on a Friday), and I totally started to melt again. My automatic thoughts of "not good enough' and "I can't do it" came in. I was able to quickly recognize them and in the situation that I needed to be in, I didn't use any sarcasm, and was able to show up and participate. And I was also like, "Oh, crap. These are definitely my triggers. I seriously need to redo my crisis plan." What a social worky thing to say! 

Anyways, this was the week before I took a weeklong vacation, and the person I texted was the one I spent most of the vacation with. During vacation, I didn't give work a thought. And I realized (remembered?) that I'm just as worthy outside of work as I am at work. That my work doesn't define me, and I'm still whole. That I don't even need this job to be considered worthy. Again and again I have to be reminded that I am worthy, I am loved, I am free, I am whole. Regardless of my title, my status, my responsibilites. And I'm so grateful. I am so thankful for my own growth and so grateful to believe in and serve a God who loves me so desperately and draws me close. I am whole and enough and free. 

I've also learned the song "Tell Me" By Carrollton and I'm obsessed. 

You tell me I am loved

You tell me I am known

That you died for me

That I'm not alone 

Leading Leaders

Leading leaders is hard. Maybe scary is the right word. Heavy? Important? I'm not sure what the right word is, but the sentiment seems to be implied in those words--it's a big responsibility. When I first started in my role and formally leading official leaders by title, I was like...Oh, snap. This is real. This is real life. These are real career goals that I have an impact on. Real people with real education and real experience and they are looking to me and I'm supposed to lead them? 

And then I zoomed out a little bit and started seeing everything that my team does and how it reflects leadership and that was another hefty dose of oh my geeze. I've come to recognize how much I love leadership and how much I love being part of people's growth. All three of my best friends semi-recently got promoted into more leadership roles and they all reached out to me and I was truly honored. I also realized that I hang out with leaders...now, being recognized by title, but all of my friends are true leaders. All of us thought we loved direct work in our respective industries...and we did, but then we found leadership and saw how much more of a difference we can make.

I took a screenshot from one of them that was just so nice that said: "All my fb friends are lovely but none of them display your level of insight when it comes to leadership". Is that not one of the nicest texts someone could send?!

Anyways, where all of this is coming from is not from the formal leadership titles. It's about developing leadership abilities in those who don't have (or don't want) a formal leadership title. To recognize that you don't need a title to be a leader. On my team, there are a few people that stand out as leaders and I've been trying to figure out how to really help develop them (preferably without losing them...) and how to grow that potential. I've started identifying some ways and kind of playing around with some ideas. And then tonight, I got an email from someone. The subject line was "Career growth question". In the email, they included that they are interested in learning and growing more and wanted to start to develop more career goals. I told them how proud I was of them and their growth and asked a couple of questions, which they answered thoughtfully, and then said "I honestly owe it all to you". I was about near tears. I've been mulling it more and more in my head that this is the responsibility of a leader--it's to develop other leaders. Whether formally or informally, for people to grow and develop and become leaders in some fashion. 

When I called a couple of people and threw around some of my ideas and told them why I was reaching out to them--I could tell that it made a huge difference to them and they told me that it meant a lot to them. And the more I think about it, the more pressure I feel, and the more I need to reign it back in because it's heavy recognizing that so many people are looking at you and looking to you. Looking to you to guide them, to grow them, to have answers, to say it's okay to not have answers, to see how you respond and react. We often say that leadership is not for the faint of heart and that's no joke. I take the investment in people and leading leaders seriously. 

A while ago, I sent this to one of my friends--switch out parenting to leadership and there you go!

Racial Injustice

One of my friends texted me this the other day:

Good morning ladies! Recent events and Jesus beating me over the head this morning has made me return to a thought I had months ago about learning more about racial justice.

Would y’all be interested in Zooming once a week, or every other week, to talk about racial justice? We can read a book together, listen to a podcast or Emmanuel Acho’s YouTube videos, etc.

I tense up every time race comes up. And I want to be able to speak. And I feel comfortable with both of you. I want to have an open, honest, respectful, and “educational” conversation about these issues and I believe I can do that with y’all. 

So what do you say? Interested? 

I am so grateful to have strong, supportive, loving people in my life. I guess also this person is more than a friend, they are my cousin 😁😁 One of the ones I talked about in the "Family Bonding Time". She texted her sister and me this and I am truly blessed. Blessed to have people like them in my life, to have people who hold me accountable, to have people who love Jesus and see that loving Jesus means recognizing our white privilege and advocate for our black friends. We get it wrong, we mess up, we learn, we try. And none of us are known for our advocacy or would consider ourselves advocates. But we all have learned that racial injustice is real and that part of our power includes standing up. 

Investment

2015: Relentless
2016: Intentional
2017: Growth
2018: Enough
2019: Focus

2020: Vision

2021: Investment 

The word investment has been rolling around in my head for quite some time. Investing in people; investing time, energy, talents, skills, knowledge, abilities. Even be willing to invest in hypotheticals. 

Within my first year of working as a therapist, I wrote: "It is literally my job to hear people’s stories, create a safe place for them, be a safe person. It’s my job to invest in people and work with them as they identify that they are worthy, as are others.” Investment is embedded into all areas of my life, even when it's hard. 

The official definition is "a devoting, using, or giving of time, talent, emotional energy, etc. for a purpose or to achieve something."

For this year's "Word of the Year", it seems to be much more integrated between work and life outside of work than previous years. I think that's for a lot of reasons, both good and bad. Good--Alignment between work and life and bad because I've kind of started having work take over life again...we'll cross that bridge another day. 

I started doing what's now dubbed as a "State of the Union" for my team and I shared with them what I believe investment looks like for our team, our program, for them as individuals, and what each of our roles is in that. I was brutally honest with them about where we were, where we are, and where I want us to be. And it's going to take some friggin hard work and some deep investment. The gist is that it felt like our department was in complete shambles for a while. Our morale was abysmal, we were losing people constantly not due to growth opportunities but due to burning out; our caseloads were beyond comprehension; our reputation had started to weaken throughout the agency and the community. We were not in a good place. And it was brutal. Beyond brutal. I never want to experience what I experienced during that time ever again in my lifetime. No one ever should. It was for all kinds of reasons, not one person or system to blame, but I never want to be back in that place again. It was truly horrendous. 

So I created and committed to three primary goals when I became the Director of the program. Though we have gone through A LOT this year (who anticipated a global ongoing pandemic and immediately stopping all community in-home services?!). I have continuously reflected on these goals and am so proud of where we are now. Our morale is lightyears ahead of where it was. Our reputation has gotten incredibly strong. We are known throughout the agency as being a strong team, committed to team building, and outside of the agency as one of the best programs to entrust high acuity cases. I cannot even begin to express how much those sentiments mean to me and those views did not come without investment, hard work, and a strong vision. 2020 is the word that I designated for this program was "vision" and no matter how difficult the year became, I committed to not losing sight of the vision. 

One of the first things I realized that we needed for the vision to come to fruition was to create values. In my first week of being a Director, I started to outline my goals, plans, and vision for the department. We did a values exercise and throughout the year we connected our actions to our values. For this year, I created pillars based off of the words I wanted us to be defined as and the words the team valued and this is the current result. 

Investment is hard and grueling, and short-term way harder and doesn't always seem worth it. That's the most difficult part about investment--you have to believe that the short-term hardships are going to be worth it. I've discussed before how much I struggle with hypotheticals--I like assurance, I like definites, I like promises that can be kept. Deciding on a word such as investment was really hard because it means I have to be willing to invest in a possibility. I'm not a risk-taker, I don't take chances (but I love that song by Celine Dion--added for fun), and I really struggle when something isn't definitive. Part of that is having to be a leader and stepping up and saying, "Let's try. Let's invest. Let's dig deep. Let's make things happen."

All of this was written about investment in the workplace, and that's mainly because of my "State of the Union" presentation so I had it all ready to go! There's a lot of investment I have to do in my own life that isn't work-related. Investing in relationships and investing in people is huge. Probably literally investing money, but I don't understand stocks so perhaps not on that one :) Investing in myself and actually working on my dissertation, sleeping again, resting, and relaxing. Invest. Take chances.