Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The Power of "Me Too"

Last  night I really got to see the power of "me too, I get it". Without going into too many details, my anxiety levels last night went through the roof. I've been anxious before but never in my life have I been as anxious as I was last night. Holy goodness. It was all set off by a specific thing, but then I talked to a friend who had similar concussion symptoms and said "me too". She talked about being asked weird questions, showing pretty bad symptoms, etc.

I cannot express enough thank yous to my friend to basically saying that I was normal, I would be okay, and that it can be a really confusing, frightening, scary time. A few of my other friends who have had concussions did not really have any of the symptoms I had, and had more "normal" symptoms. So I was beyond grateful to find someone who said they also had extreme symptoms, out of it for awhile, were asked seemingly inappropriate questions, but all is okay now.

Later in the night, I started to talk much better. Less choppy, almost back to normal. This morning...

...ALMOST ALL BETTER! My speech isn't perfect yet, but it's really close. I'm still a little slow, but not like I was. I walk pretty well now, don't get as tired, but still do get pretty tired.

I had a follow up appt with a PCP today, who was awesome--loved that doctor.

I'm still not cleared to drive or work and have another appt on Monday to get checked again, but it looks like I'm well on the road to recovery and as long as I keep resting and taking it easy for the next few days, hopefully I'll be checked out on Monday and good to do. I will have to figure my schedule out to slow down a little bit, and I will still have to kind of ease back into things.

The PCP did say I showed pretty severe symptoms and she understood why people were so concerned and worried and said she is pretty sure I was just showing signs of severe concussion this past week.

I asked about my extreme thirst and frequent urination (okay, maybe TMI, but this blog has been helpful for me to track my progress) and all the other doctors didn't seem to care, but she is now testing me for DI.

I've had three blood tests, three UA, and six doctor visits in the last seven days. Goodness gracious. While everything has come back pretty normal, it's still seems to be of slight concern as to why I have had such atypical concussion symptoms and why I even fell in the first place.

So hopefully, I will just keep resting, getting better and will be cleared to resume life on Monday. For now, I have doctor's note saying I can't do much from 7/24-8/5.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Good News/Bad News

Good news: I can breathe just fine
Bad news: My nose is crooked

Good news: I do not have brain tumor
Bad news: Doc actually thought I may have had one.

Good news: I do not have MS
Bad news: Doc thought may have that too, and said may still and just takes a long time for it to show up.

Good news: All tests are normal
Bad news: No answers

Good news: Docs think I'm sort of talking normal
Bad news: I'm definitely not.

Here is story:

Today I had appointment with ENT doctor to see about my nose. My nose is a little crooked, but it's not all that bad. Since I can still breathe, there is no need for actual surgery, but for cosmetics I can have OP surgery done to straighten nose. If surgery, then would have to do that within a few days before it really starts healing. I probably won't do the surgery, since I'm still dealing with concussion and if you didn't know me and look hard, can't really tell it's crooked and only slightly.

Talked more with ENT doctor and he thought I normally talked the way I talked today. Later I told mom I was very offended he thought that. After we explained that I'm usually pretty articulate and talk pretty well, he basically sprung into action and called hospital and ordered them to do more tests.

So yes, I had to go back to ER. Again. Fourth time less than one week. By then I was getting very tired and started having slight trouble walking. Met nurses and they were pretty worried about me and said I was showing atypical symptoms and not normal for concussion. Said I should have been pretty much better as far as speech and we had to explain again that I'm not dumb and don't skip words in normal speech and pretty good communicator. They also seemed to think it could be my normal speech. They asked what was different so I said:
-I am not using contractions
-I say "um"
-I'm talking very slowly and deliberately (mom's words)
-I skip words
-I affirm a lot
So then they did MRI and CT scan and more blood and urine tests. I've also been drinking a lot of water (like 20 glasses/day) and going to bathroom a lot (almost every hour).

So again, good news, everything came back normal. Bad news, there are literally zero answers.
Why do I drink so much water? Why do I have to go to the bathroom so often? Why is my speech so off? Why did I pass out in first place? When can I start work again? When can I drive again? When will my face look normal again (I have two black eyes from swelling and bruise from broken nose)
Don't know, not even a guess for any of those questions because everything is normal.

So then doctor started asking about mental illness, and thought I was making symptoms up (not exactly sure what doc thought, but did start asking about mental illness history and then put on discharge papers undiagnosed neurological or psychological issues or something like that) which brought on anxiety...and anxiety is part of concussion symptom, so I got very anxious tonight because I felt like doctor said I have mental illness.

Doctor also asked if I did drugs, specially shrooms, after all tests normal and thought that was reason. 

Doctor also talked to me about stress and thinks that was big part of problem and I just did too much and overloaded my brain.

But I really am getting better. And my speech is improving, just still deliberate and slow, but getting much better. And even this post is better English. I think I just have bad concussion and will be better very soon. I talked with my mom and she apologized for going a bit overboard...and she calmed me down about my anxiety about doctors thinking I normally talk this way and have SPMI.

Tomorrow I have normal doctor appt and will talk more with them.

I am getting better.
My English is getting much better.
I will be okay.
This is just result of bad concussion. 


My mom is here now because she very worried, and so she can better talk to doctors. I be okay. 
I do not slur my words, no I do not. But I do miss words but my words are clear more now. Worst part is I think way I talk, but I know wrong but too work to change. 

I go to nose doctor today and tomorrow I go to normal doctor. Yesterday I was awake for very long time. I walk at airport to get my mom but after standing for like thirty minutes I got very woozy again. 

I affirm many times and say like
yes, that is very true, yes, yes so very true 
And I do not like that because I do not talk like that. I do not use contractions either, no I do not. I ask doctor tomorrow. 

Easier to type than to talk, much less work. But I do much better now. 

My aunt laughed very hard when I say I sound like 4 year old. Later in day I sound like robot. Then like English my second language.

I think I normal concussion. Yes, I normal and I responsible and I not stupid.

Saturday, July 27, 2013


I do better today. I was awake for six hours. Then I got very tired. Long time awake.

I walk better and talk better but still slur words but not as bad.

Focused more today, but then get tired. I did short word search and maze on kids menu today.

My head hurts and I get anxious and sometimes get irritated but not a lot, just a little.

I took shower today and had to get more clothes to stay more nights because people still have to watch me and we don't know for how long.

Friday, July 26, 2013

ER 3x

They made me go back to ER again. Three times. No more. I will not go anymore. No no.

I now have moderate concussion not just minor.

I am tired. My face is swollen. I have very slurred speech. I often need wheelchair or someone to help me walk.

I had Dr Jeckyll Mr Hyde symtoms today because I was usually goofy they said and more fun but then it changed instantly and I became very irritable. I was very nice and then i wasn't.

I am showing classic concussion symptoms. I am tired and I am done typing this, too much work. 

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Health Update

I went into work today, because that's what I do. My supervisor was all upset and big boss came in and was all concerned. I took some meds, got a little loopy and pretty disoriented again. They called my aunt, called the hospital, and I had to go back to the ER.

They're pretty sure I was just reacting to the drug (Vicodin) since I wasn't used to heavy narcotics..although even after 8 hours, I was still pretty out of it. They think it was because I was concentrating too hard and are amazed I was able to drive to work. They also determined that I have a concussion. I had to have a CT scan, where I felt like I was on a roller coaster. But they said it was normal.

The nurses were very nice. This morning, I was concerned because I didn't have tennis shoes on. My colleague said that should be the least of your worries right now. But it wasn't. For the last 5 hours all I have said basically over and over is "my house is a mess". That's all I can focus on. I have to have someone watch me for awhile, including overnight.

My nose is looking really bad now, and it looks like I have two black eyes. It's getting really swollen.

I have a concussion. I have a broken nose.

But I still feel like the boy who cried wolf. 

Wednesday, July 24, 2013


I fainted last night...I became unconscious before I hit the ground, and since I was unconscious, I didn't use my hands to catch my face broke my fall and I broke my nose.

I woke up around 4am, wanted water, felt dizzy and woozy, got a cup, everything got blurry and I crashed to the floor and dropped my cup.

I assumed it was dehydration, since drinking water has never been something I'm good at it, but I really have been trying to get better. I was still woozy and fatigued and went to the hospital and they did urine analysis tests and blood tests and EKG test. Basically, everything looked fine. Except everything that had to do with stress, as seen in the blood work, were really high. Doc said it definitely wasn't dehydration and they don't really know what caused the unconsciousness.

I have an appointment with a nose specialist to see about my nose. It doesn't seem like too bad of a break, so hopefully it'll heal normally and everything will be fine.

Earlier this week, a colleague told me I was becoming a workaholic and getting addicted to work and working too hard and too much. I told her, I'm not doing real work, I'm fine. My mom and best friend have been worried about me lately. And then this happens.

In June, I worked 3 jobs, working 80 hours a week. Now, I'm working two jobs, working about 60 hours a week. I have a laundry list of things I'm legitimately stressed about and concerned about. Now that I've fainted, broke my nose, was rendered unconscious, spent my morning in the ER, am still woozy, I'm not really sure what to do.

In college, my supervisors would "ground me" and not let me do work because they thought I was working too hard and too much. I don't know how to not do this. I like work. I enjoy it. I've clearly chosen work over everything else. I know this. It gave me a clear understanding and guidelines for my life. Now, I don't know what to do with myself.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

My Story

I grew up believing I didn't have a story, and if I did, my story didn't matter. The people's whose stories that mattered were people like Paul, the dude in the Bible who used to murder Christians, only to be blinded for a few days,  had a profound encounter with God, and become one of the most faithful followers of Christ. People who clearly changed, like "I once was a drug addict and had no hope, and now I do, because of Jesus."

And my thought would be, "I once was a good kid and had hope, and now I have Jesus and am still a good kid and have hope." What a great disservice that is to God. My belief that I don't have a story is utterly ridiculous. Because when I became a Christ Follower, everything radically shifted. Some things were immediate, some are taking more time. But there is a vast difference in who I was before Christ and who I am with Christ. I'm not who I was. Jesus changed me.

Before Jesus, I defined my worth in people's opinions and my performance.
With Jesus, my worth is defined by Him.

Before Jesus, I only loved America.
With Jesus, I learned to love the world.

Before Jesus, I was bound by the chains of my sin.
With Jesus, I am free from the bondage.

Before Jesus, I just did what I was told.
With Jesus, I rationally understood my beliefs.

Before Jesus, I was simply a "good kid".
With Jesus, I did good things because of my love for Jesus.

Before Jesus, I thought to be imperfect meant to not be loved.
With Jesus, I learned that I am imperfect, and I am still loved.

Before Jesus, love was conditional.
With Jesus, there is agape love.

Before Jesus, I was full of regret and doubt.
With Jesus, I am restored with hope and forgiveness.

Matthew West: Hello, My Name Is