Friday, October 31, 2014

Something You Always Think "What If..." About

Pinterest introduced me to this quote. 

At first, I didn't really like it...I'm not usuallyyyyy a huge quote person, simply because they are often too SIMPLE. They make things mundane, and wring so much of the life from it, that it's just a lame thing people think/say. Which sucks, because there are some super solid quotes. I digress..

Anyways, I have been thinking a lot about this quote, especially recently. I let my fear of failure hold me back from so many things. It's amazing, truly a miracle, that I willingly applied to grad school. Maybe not willingly, I was kind of pushed/convinced. I remember after I was accepted into the second school, I was like beyond amazed and told someone once I got the letter and they looked at me and said, "Ash, whether you would get into grad school was never our question. That we didn't doubt. What our question is which school you'll choose."

Right now I'm facing a similar dilemma. One of my friends called me the other day and said, "I'm going to call you every day until you do [this]." I kept talking with them and finally was like...but this is the easy way. Do I really need to try to do [that]? Because

What if I fall?

And I have friends who say,

"But darling, what if you fly?"

I don't know the answer to either of those. 

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Your Zodiac/Horoscope and If You Think It Fits

First of all, I immediately think of this from "Full House" every time. 
I'm Cancer (Crab),
July 17.

My fortune from my fortune cookie says "Following inner promptings brings quiet accomplishment"
I looked at my horoscope here:

And today's horoscope: Difficult challenges that have been lingering on the sidelines will probably become more prominent today, Cancer. There is a strong possibility that things will come to a head. The problem was easy to overlook at first, but now that it has taken on a life of its own, you may have to consult someone who is more of an expert on these types of situations than you are.

I'll go with yes, because that's fun. I can't taco 'bout it here (see what I did there? Because mmmmm tacos!) because I gotta be an adult first.

However I have made a list and am starting to address the problem, for real for real. And it started for real when my best friend called me on Wednesday and told me I better do something and they'll keep bugging me until it happens. After they texted me and left me a voicemail about it.

Oh wait, I just saw that the actual title is "...Fits Your Personality". I forgot to check that part out!

Cancer Personality:

Deeply intuitive and sentimental, Cancer can be one of the most challenging Zodiac signs to get to know. Emotion runs strong for this sign, and when it comes to family and home, nothing is more important. Sympathetic and empathetic, Cancerians are greatly attuned to those around them. Devotion is the keyword for this sign, making them wonderfully sensitive people to be around.
Ashley Says: Hard to get to know...attuned..

Compassion, emotional sensitivity, fierce protection of loved ones, tenacity.
Ashley says: I mean...

Manipulative, indirect conflict, clinging to the past, insecure, packrat.
Ashley says: eep. Yes. 
Charismatic marks:
Medium build, round face, prominent breasts, a tendency to take charge.
Ashley says: Uh..not so much with the breasts. 
Relaxing near or in water, art, home-based hobbies, a good meal with friends, helping loved ones.
Ashley says: yeah. My favorite thing recently is to get dinner and sit by the pool, eat my dinner, journal, and listen to music
Strangers, revealing of personal life, any criticism of Mom.
Ashley says: haahahhahaa the second one, yes. 
Best environment:
Cancer will always be most comfortable at home, close to family, familiar things, and dear friends.
Ashley says: Hashtag introvert

Cancer in Love:

"I feel" is the key phrase for Cancer, and this is all too evident when it comes to love. Tender and gentle, Cancerians will show sensitivity with their lovers without a second thought. They love readily and choose a mate who can understand them as much as possible. Superficial or overly ambitious partners are not well-suited. The Cancer lover will look for someone who is equally intuitive. They are devoted partners, love children, and marry for life.

Ashley Says:
Well...actually, yes..especially the ambitious part. 

Friends and Family:

Traditional and maternal, Cancerians make excellent parents. In fact, all aspects of family are number one to this sign. This can be seen in the homes they make and in the dedication to duty they display. Cancer natives are often willing to overlook personality conflicts when it comes to family simply because they are related. Whatever needs to be done, you can count on a Cancer native to go the distance for a family member. They are deeply sentimental and are diligent about keeping family albums and histories intact. Passing on stories to the next generation is a favorite pastime.

When it comes to friendships, the Cancer person is very helpful. They're almost always willing to lend a hand, providing it doesn't conflict with family obligations. Friends are held in high regard and are generally of like mind. Because the Cancerian generally prefers the home scene rather than going out, folks who enjoy visiting and sharing activities such as cards or at-home dining are top picks for buddies. Although their deeply intuitive, heart-not-head personality makes Cancerians very sympathetic, it can also make them a little hard to understand. Time is the cure for this!

Ashley Says:
Not so much with this one...

Career and Money:

Cancerians can be as tenacious as they are sensitive. When there's a job to do, they roll up their sleeves and get to it. They especially shine when performing caregiving or related tasks, and they make excellent nurses. Other career ambitions include housekeeper, gardener, and journalist. Cancerians' love of country gives them the base to being outstanding politicians. The need to feel as though they are making a difference, however small, is essential for this sign to feel fulfilled.

Security is of utmost importance to the Cancer native, and money is no different. Making money generally comes easily, and putting it away is usually what happens. Cancerians are not overspenders; in fact, they are far more apt to invest a few dollars and make their money grow. Many Cancer personalities see money as a symbol of their status in life and are inspired to build healthy bank accounts as a result. Cancers are resourceful and manage their time and money well.

Ashley Says: I love America! And I have actually done a money habitutes and my top two were targeted goals and security for what I do with my money. And most of my goals are about building retirement and there's that. 

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

What You Wore Today

I'll tell you what I didn't wear today--I didn't wear jeans. I told my boss that I refuse to wear jeans this week because of a boycott. (Obviously there's a story behind that..)

So what I did wear today:
My blue dress with my white shawl thingy and white sandals.

When I got home it was getting chilly, so I did change into my new favorite pair of wind pants (black adidas), new shoes (teal/purple nike), tshirt, and a sweatshirt.

I used to refuse to cross brand (wear different brands at once), but I'm trying to get better. So, I bought a new pair of kicks the other day--Nike. I haven't worn nike since early high school! I had made the full switch to adidas way back in the day, so been a long time.

Your Opinion About Your Body and How Comfortable You Are With It

This one is getting deep! I could write the gist of things...but I'll be real, because that's what I'm learning to do. Most of this, I don't think I've ever really verbalized..or written out..

There is the rare day that I can look in the mirror and think I can look attractive. Every so often, I think my abs are in good shape. My face looks good, my hair looks good. But those days are few and far between. Like maybe 7 times a year kind of thing.

Usually, I will avoid mirrors at all costs. Not because of any kind of superstition, but because I don't like the way I look. Or if a picture is being taken, I won't look at it on the camera. You will rarely see me look in a mirror as I pass by it. Even when washing my hands, I try to keep my head down. I'm trying to get better at it, forcing myself to look in a mirror if it's there (like washing hands). And if I look at a picture after it's been taken, that means I'm making progress.

Most people say it's because I don't care about the way I look and I let people think that. It's not true though. I do care. I care a lot. And when someone says I don't care, I take that to mean (confirm) that I actually don't look good.

I rarely wear make-up, not because of the fact that I'm good with my skin or whatever, but for the very same reason as to why most people do wear make up. I've been thinking about doing a make-up challenge (ironically enough, I just read something about this today), and haven't yet. I'm slowly getting there...

It's the same reason as to why I wear soccer shorts more often than cute, stylish shorts.

I also go through times where...eating is hard. And I rationalize it. I did tell someone about that, because they were struggling with the same thing. We knew what we were doing wasn't good, but it made sense to us. It was something we could control. There was the control piece, there was the time piece (I had more time to do other things if I didn't spend it eating), there was the financial piece (eating is expensive)...those were bigger things than the calorie/weight thing..
Now, before you start thinking "oh my gosh, Ashley has an eating disorder" I can tell you, no, I don't. It sounds like it, the way I worded it, but I don't/didn't. I don't meet the criteria...however, I do recognize the..not goodness of not eating. So now, when it comes up and I battle between to eat or to not, I usually choose to eat.

This is kind of what I touched on a little bit with the pop music thing--I love it, but sometimes I can't listen to it because it just makes me feel bad about my body.

I still constantly struggle with comparison, with judgment, with shame. It's been a long process and a hard process to be good with my body. Even saying the phrase "my body" rattles me...

I love the song "Try".

I figured I should probably add some pictures, to show I'm trying!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Five Guys Whom You Find Attractive

Five Fine Fellas.

I realized that I'm really picky about who I say is a fine fella. This was harder than I thought it would be! While I'm all about treating celebrities as people, I feel like it's less creepy to use celebrities than to also include people in my real that's what we're going to do. But really, this is taking me way longer than expected. I only thought of two on my own. The other three, I've been like googling and asking around...

Zac Efron (ever since HSM)

Ben Affleck (for always)

Paul Walker (Paul:( )

Ryan Reynolds (It's when someone finally pointed out to me "my type" the first time I said he was attractive)

Jensen Ackles (Tumblr happened...)

I tried to have some diversity, but obviously, I failed miserably, because they all look the same (basically). I recognize that.  

Your Family

When I think of my family, I usually just think of my immediate family. We moved away from the rest of my family when I was little--like 1200 miles away. Growing up, it was always just the four of us.

My parents have been married longer than I've been alive and have one of the healthiest marriages ever. I can't even think of any screaming matches between them. They never talk poorly about each other, never tear the other down, never try to make the other jealous, never demean the's incredible. They are constantly lifting each other up, seeking the other's opinion, and involved in each other's lives. They spend hours every day talking about their days to each other, actively listening to each other. They always showed physical affection, in the cute, simple ways. Above all, they love each other more than they love my brother and me. And that's one of the most beautiful things ever.

My broha is incredible. He just started college! He's a college boy now. He's super, super, kind and friggin' hilarious. I always thought he was tall, but realized that I only really saw him around our family...turns out, he's actually kind of short! Regardless, he's a good lookin' kid, the stud of the family, really. I always joke that he's only cool because of me, and let's be real, that's the truth. (Hashtag noitsnot) People have asked if we're twins (we're not) and people have asked if we've always been close and people have asked if we're always this cool (we have been). He brings out the fun in me and one of my favorite persons to spend time with.

Also, my parents are now empty nesters!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Put Your Music Player on Shuffle

The prompt is to put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play. 

I'll do it for Pandora (Shuffle All) and my iTunes on my computer. 

  1. Glamorous, Fergie
  2. It Makes Me Ill, 'N Sync
  3. Scooby Doo, Scooby Doo Soundtrack
  4. If You're Out There, John Legend
  5. Fake It, Seether 
  6. Let's Make Love, Faith Hill
  7. The Launch, Boston
  8. (Let Me Be) Your Teddy Bear, Elvis Presley
  9. Irreplaceable, Beyonce
  10. This Fragile Breath, Todd Agnew

  1. Can You Feel the Love Tonight, S Club 7 (S Club 7 Radio)
  2. What Hurts The Most, Rascal Flatts (Rascal Flatts Radio)
  3. Stir, Downhere (Oh Lord, My God Radio)
  4. Broken Girl, Matthew West (Matthew West Radio)
  5. Drunk In Love, Beyonce (Beyonce Radio)
  6. Favorite Girl, O-Town (O-Town Radio)
  7. P.I.M.P, 50 Cent (2000s Hip Hop Radio)
  8. Middle of Your Heart, for King and Country (for King and Country Radio)
  9. Day After Day, Kristian Stanfill (Kristian Stanfill Radio)
  10. The Climb, Miley Cyrus (Miley Cyrus Radio)

How Important You Think Education Is

I can't get on board with the idea that someone who has a lot of experience in something is more equipped than someone who has formal education. I'm a huge proponent of formal education. I totally believe that everyone can graduate from high school. Some have to work waaaay harder than others, but still doable.

My brother got to hear my monologues about how valuable and important formal education is over and over and over and over again. And most of my friends (probably all, actually) would say "Education is one of the most important things to Ashley". Particularly formal education.

Post secondary school is something I value a lot too. Admittedly, I have the most respect for fully accredited 4 year universities, as a degree from there holds more weight than any other institution, however I also understand and believe that not everyone can/should/wants to go to a university like that. And that's okay. Regardless, I think college (however defined) helps people do the following:

  • Refining writing skills
  • Developing critical thinking skills
  • Knowing how to research
  • Building lasting relationships
  • Seeing growth in one self
  • Can show up and adhere to deadlines
College is where you learn those things. It's not about what you major in or what grades you get or what classes you took. It's about those 6 things. Formal education exists to purposely and purposefully help you. When someone tells me they have a bachelor's degree, I immediately see them as someone who has been equipped with those 6 things. I thought about continuing on, but this is my main is important and valuable. 

What You Ate Today

I had cocoa puffs and chicken cordon bleu. 

Five Pet Peeves

Five pet peeves! Things that irritate me/aggravate me on a minor scale. The literal definition is: A pet peeve or pet hate is a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to themselves, to a greater degree than others may find it.

  • Improper use of your/you're
  • Wearing brown/black together
  • Shorthand when texting
  • Incorrect usage of punctuation 
  • Just writing your name in a card without a message

Also, this is awesome:

Your Views on Mainstream Music

I love mainstream music. Pop, popular, mainstream, whatever you want to call it--I love it. I think it's fun and usually catchy and generally engaging. It gives me a way to connect to people. I love singing and songs that a lot of people know are wicked fun to sing along to.

However, there are a few things I don't like. I don't like swear words. Sometimes, they're necessary in a song, I'll go with that. But some songs, I can't listen to, no matter how fun, when there's too much swearing. I also don't like too much sexualization. I don't mind "sexiness" in songs, but actual sexualization, not a fan.

Annnd there are also times when I have to stop listening to pop/mainstream, because it starts to influence me in a negative way. So then I take a break from it. Usually, songs like that are ones that are sexualizing, dehumanizing, and reducing people (usually women) to status, hotness, and how sexual they are.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Things You Want to Say to an Ex

For a lot of reasons, I can't do this one. My rule at first was to not go to the next topic until I had completed the one prior, so I couldn't get out of doing it.

I've been sitting for awhile, trying to come up with a response to this one, and for a lot of reasons, at this time, it would be less wise for me to complete this journal entry than more wise/helpful. Perhaps one day I can go back, but right now, the wiser option will be to skip this. 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Bullet Your Whole Day

I kept starting this and not be able to finish. So, I'll bullet my Saturday, hope that's cool...

  • Four alarms went off before 7am.
  • I finally got myself out of bed, but was afraid I was late.
  • Couldn't remember if the event was at 8 or 830.
  • I got dressed and ran out to the car to get the paper with information. 
  • 830, phew. 
  • Got ready, jumped in car, headed west. 
  • Almost got lost, but didn't.
  • Had a "fun day" with the police. 
  • Learned about the K9 unit
  • Talked to the guy who has a drug dog. 
  • Talked to the guy who has a bomb dog. 
  • Learned stuff about training dogs. 
  • Watched them train dogs.
  • It was really cold. 
  • Learned about guns.
  • Shot my first gun. It was a pistol. 
  • Shot my second gun. It was a rifle. 
  • Ate some donuts.
  • Went to the police lodge.
  • Had a delicious meal. 
  • It was chicken salad, BBQ, a lot of fruit
  • Went to the race track parking lot. 
  • Sort of learned how to drive like a police.
  • Drove their cars. 
  • Did the backing up challenge twice. 
  • Then, did the fast driving challenge.
  • 35, 40, and 45mph. 
  • They call out a lane (there were 4), you had limited time to get up to speed, then they changed the lane, so had to swerve to the actual lane, and then called out another lane and had to swerve other there.
  • Weren't allowed to hit the brakes. 
  • The first time, I spun out and did a 360. 
  • My passenger told me I was going 35, right on target. 
  • Radar had us at 52mph. Too fast to swerve...
  • It was terrifying/super fun.
  • Did 3 more runs. 
  • Rode in the car with a police driving and he did several J turns
  • Like in the movies, where you go backwards one way, swerve around and drive forward.
  • Then he did donuts. 
  • Then, I drove home. 
  • I was supposed to have dinner with 5 friends from school.
  • It got cancelled. 
  • I was debating about what to do, it was around 5pm. 
  • I was exhausted from the day. And week. And life. 
  • I decided to bathe, get into PJs, and watch "The West Wing" and veg out. 
  • It was awesome. 
  • I also did pretty much all of my laundry. 
  • My sheets are clean, made my bed.
  • Didn't text or talk to anyone all night. 
  • Just laid on the couch and watched TV. 
  • Actually, that's a lie.
  • I got hungry and decided I just wanted some Taco Bell.
  • I drove to Taco Bell, went through the drive thru.
  • Came back and then ate my food and watched more TV.
  • Then, I went to bed. 

That was my day!
Basically, got to shoot guns, drive police cars, and watched "The West Wing".

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

A Book I Love

I honestly don't know if I have a favorite book. As much as I love reading...I can't think of my absolute favorite. But wait, this isn't about my favorite, it's about a book I love.

I've already written about quite a few books, so I'll think of another...

Ah! It's a series, can that count? The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. 

  1. Mainly, I was referred to them by my best friend and it was another thing that bonded us. 
  2. Also, they're so good! I love them. And I love the movies. 
  3. They're for teenagers, so they're super easy to read. I get involved and invested every single time I read them. 
  4. I'm thinking once I finish up some of my TV series, I'll read those books again (I'm looking at them right now, sitting on my bookshelf). 
  5. I love Alexis Bledel and she's in the movie, so I have to like it.

If you don't know anything about the series, it's basically about these 4 best friends who are going to go their separate ways for a summer and they find a pair of jeans that fits all of them, so they share it...and it helps keep them connected. Okay, I'm not great at pitching the idea, but it's awesome and beautiful.