I think about how much I've learned in 30 years. I went from being a completely dependent newborn, to learning all of the developmental milestones, going through educational milestones, and all fairly normal life things. I wrote this a few years ago. When I turned 20, I wanted the decade to be one spent loving people and loving Jesus. Certainly, that's how I want this decade to be too and for that, I am so grateful.
I pushed myself hard in my 20s. I had a lot to learn about how to be gentle with myself, about the importance of rest, about how to give and receive grace. I couldn't have done all that I did in my twenties without pushing myself so hard and without my ridiculously high standards, and while I don't want to lose those aspects, I want to keep integrating the intertwining of rest, grace, gentleness, and patience.
I hate how important it is to slow down, but I think that's one of the major things I learned. In 2013-2014 when I was going through my struggle with severe mTBI, it was the first time I was full-on confronted with the reality that I may not be able to as hard as I think I should at all times. Around this time last year, I received my results from a full neuropsychological evaluation. I was officially diagnosed with having seizures and the neuropsychologist basically said that if I don't take time to rest, my body will force me to do it and that'll be so much worse. And those who know me know I'm a hustler and how heartbroken I was over this realization.
I take great pride in how hard I work, in how many hours I'm willing to put in, in how much effort I'm willing to put forth. I have an incredibly strong work ethic. I have always been willing to work hard and am goal-oriented. I don't want those things to go away, but I now know that it really is okay to rest. It's okay to breathe, it's okay to step back, and it's okay to slow down. Not only is it okay, but it's also required. (Also, I'm actually really good at following doctor's orders, and since they told me I have to prioritize it, I have been.)
I've been spending some time looking back through my journal and through various blog posts. Having this blog (still hate that word) has been immensely helpful to document and reflect. It's neat to watch my journey throughout my twenties (I started this blog when I was 20).
I also wrote this when I turned 20: I want to spend my twenties simply loving Jesus in the most passionate and powerful ways. I want people to feel joy, to feel loved, feel cherished, feel excited. Excited for their life, for the year, for the decade.
As I go through back entries throughout this blog (feel free to do so if you want to see the journey or learn all about me in my 20s), I'm so glad that this last decade was not one without questions. I questioned my faith, I questioned Jesus, I questioned people. I did that as a teenager and I'm sure I did it in my formative years in an age-appropriate way as well. I have no doubt that this new decade will be the same. That I'll keep questioning and wrestling. What I keep finding is that questions are necessary. Doubts are okay. Whether they are doubts and questions about your faith, about people, the world, acknowledge them. I'm so grateful that I serve a God that lets me question and meets me where I am. He's full of dichotomies and seemingly conflicting things, which makes Him that much more incredible and awe-inspiring. He's exclusive and inclusive. He's holy, just, merciful, and full of grace. He hates and He loves. He pursues and He waits. While I grapple and struggle, I keep coming back to the same conclusion that God is real, God is just, and God is good.
Another theme that was fairly consistent throughout the decade is my struggle with vulnerability and being enough. There is a world of difference of where I was to where I am now in these struggles. I am so glad I have come as far as I have with these two struggles, but I'm certain these will be lifelong struggles. These struggles led to so many other shameful things that nearly destroyed relationships and me. They are the root of my jealousy and pride. They are probably what helped me achieve so many things in my 20s, too. I'm still good at shutting down, I'm still good at pushing people away, and I'm still very prone to believing that I need to do more, be more, accomplish more, and if I don't, I'm not enough. But the amount of protective factors I have to be more resilient and not immediately fall prey to those beliefs is incredible.
The fourth theme is my recognition of how necessary relationships are. We need relationships to survive; we are created for connection. At my core, I'm a huge introvert and am an internal processer. People exhaust me and the amount of time and energy it takes to invest in a relationship often doesn't feel like it's worth it. I don't like doing things unless it's a sure thing. (Refer back to the struggle with vulnerability.) This theme is probably the one that I'll be focusing more on in this next decade. It seems to tie the other themes together. And it's the one I still struggle the most with. I still close off really quickly and I still have walls. I still don't want to risk getting hurt and I still would rather believe the lie that I can do life alone. But the relationships I've made in this past decade, some that sustained and some that ended, have shown me how necessary and critical connection and relationships are.
I have learned how important safe people are and how to cultivate relationships. I am still learning how to really do this and what it looks like. I like to stay in the comfort of fun, surface-level relationships, and I have found those relationships are also meaningful. I always believed that people mattered, but I didn't really believe that people had to matter to me. Meaning, I didn't really believe that me having relationships with people was truly necessary. I've started learning and experiencing life-giving relationships. I was never opposed to having relationships, I just didn't see the real need for them, other than "fun." But I believe now that they aren't just important, but crucial. And in order to have them, I have to be willing to take chances, I have to be vulnerable, I have to be brave, and I have to be ready to hurt and be scared. All relationships, at every level, require some element of this.
What I wrote when I was 20 is still true, but I think it takes a deeper, more real meaning looking into the next decade. I want to spend my thirties in awe of Christ and connecting to people. I want to rest, breathe, ask questions, wrestle, doubt, have safe people, be brave, be vulnerable, and cultivate healthy relationships. I want to display the fruits of the Spirit of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. I want to give myself grace when I don't display those fruits. I want to keep Jesus as my foundation and I want to believe in the goodness of people. I want to remember that I'm worth it and that other people are worth it. Worth the investment, time, energy, and potential hurt. And it's still okay to take time to process, to be by myself, and to go slow.
Praise Your Name--
I’m gonna push through ‘til every lie crumbles
I’m gonna dance in the midst of the rain
I’m gonna rest in the arms of the Father
I’m gonna praise, I’m gonna praise Your name
