Wednesday, August 7, 2013


That's how I feel. I feel selfish. That's been one of the worst parts about all of this.

One friend is about to start her last year of college.
Two friends are about to start their last semester of college.
Many friends are about to start their first year teaching.
Two friends are about to start student teaching.
One friend is getting ready to move across the country for an internship.
Four friends are pregnant.
One friend is getting married.
Two of my friends just got married.
One friend just had a baby.
Many friends are starting brand new jobs.

What kind of friend doesn't ask about all of those events and keep up with those friends? The worst kind. That's me.

I either don't have conversations with people, or when I do, it's about me and how I'm doing.
I hate talking about myself. I hate that I have to. I hate that I'm not okay. I hate that people feel obligated to ask about me. I hate that I don't have the energy to genuinely care about anything right now. I hate how tired I am, all the time. I hate how frustrated I am. I hate how selfish I feel. I hate how lazy I feel.

I hate when people tell me to enjoy this vacation. It's not a vacation. I hate when people tell me I'll be fine. I'm not fine right now. I hate when people ask me what happened. I don't know, I fell, it was stupid.

Two friends called and I wouldn't answer their calls. I told them all I would do is complain, maybe cry, and sound selfish. They were very kind. They told me I've always been there for them. They told me it's okay to do those things.

And I'm usually really good about being careful and using things like FB wisely. Today, I made a terrible mistake and posted something about this. Who does that? I hate doing that. I hate that I did that. As someone said earlier to me, it's like I lost my filter. I've never ever been close to "losing my filter". Ever.

I don't do things out of anger or frustration. I'm logical and rational. But it's too tiresome to be logical right now. And nothing is helping.

I want to be better. I want to work. I want to care. I want to engage. I want to ask about my friends. I want to have conversations. I want to catch up and learn about people. I want to have energy. I want to be a good friend. 


  1. Im glad you seem to be doing better. I know you hate talking about yourself, especially with stuff like this but sometimes you just need to. We all understand and I know I wish I could help somehow...even if it's just making you smile. Please keep us informed about what is happening. I love you girl. Take this time to relax and get ready for going back to school/work. And I also want to say that I have read your past several blogs and wanted to say that yeah our old supervisor would have grounded you. She grounded me once, totally surprised me when she did that. :-D

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  3. Sometimes its ok to "lose your filter". Sometimes its ok to feel tired. Sometimes its ok to not be logical and rational. You are caring. You are always there for everyone. You are hard working. You are one dedicated friend. You're not selfish. You fell.. things happens. Now you have a story to tell your grandchildren. :)

    You always feel so much for others. Its ok to feel something for yourself, My friend. Lean in to God.. Lean in to the wonderful friends he has given you.

    I love you, Girl. Try not to fall down anymore ;)

  4. I had a thought that this is (awful, but effective) training for your vocation. You will be helping people who got into a bad spot through no fault of their own, feel terrible about it, are forced to ask for help, and are just plain out of energy to be themselves. Keep documenting your feelings and frustrations so that you can refer back to them when you are well.

    Please give yourself time and permission to heal. It's going to be a process. And that's going to suck. You WILL be better, but not on a predictable schedule. Try to think about what you would say if this had happened to one of the people you love most, and then say those kind things to yourself.

    I love you and I am praying for you daily.

  5. PS: there was nothing wrong with what you posted on Facebook!

  6. You are so not selfish it's not even funny. You never talk about yourself - you ALWAYS ask, let us be your friends and return the favor for you! It's okay if you can't follow up with all of us, that's impossible. And it doesn't change our friendship one bit. Love you so much!