Fired

To put in basic terms, that's what happened today. I got fired from my weekend job at the community mental health center because I am unable to perform the necessary duties.

I woke up today and didn't feel much better from yesterday. My full time job (which ends this week anyway because I have to go back to school) told me I couldn't come in today, unless I was actually better.

So I had to go to the hospital to pick up my radiology images for my neurology appointment tomorrow, and figured since I knew I wouldn't be better by this weekend and CMHC is right by the hospital, I would just give them my new doctor note. At first I was waiting, because the doctor said if I got better this week, she would re evaluate me and may release me for the weekend. But I knew I wouldn't be better by then, and I had to give them the note sometime.

My supervisor was walking out of her office and didn't acknowledge me. I said Hi, I wanted to give you the doctor note and explained that the doctor was not willing to release me for full time yet and I still couldn't really drive.

She said, "Well, we will have to discontinue your employment. This has been too hard on the team to get people to cover." Then she said, "You must have really hurt yourself" to which I almost had a snotty reply, but I refrained and just said, "Yes, I will be seeing a neurologist tomorrow". She said, "Okay, well we'll have to get something in writing, but we can't have you employed here anymore. I hate to lose you, you have been good staff, and maybe you can come back." I just nodded and walked out.

And did my best to hold back the tears. The started coming though. And as soon as I got to my room, they were uncontrollable for a long while. I called my mom and she tried to calm me down. And then I kept crying.

I have never been fired or let go or whatever word you want to use. It wasn't due to performance issues, and yes, I know they said I may be able to come back, and yes, I know she said I was good at my job.

I know I was good at my job. I was really good at my job. I know that. This injury has taken away so much though. My freedom, my independence, my drive, my jobs, my health, my abilities, my work ethic, my kindness, my compassion. And we don't know what's wrong. I just get irritable and grumpy and tired and frustrated and I'm not better and I'm mad. And I'm getting worried and scared now.

I'm the most frustrated about two things.
1. She didn't really seem to care about my injury, she didn't really ask about it, and the first thing she said was that my employment was to be discontinued. No one on that team has ever texted me, called me, asked about me. They don't care.

2. I let the team down. I knew they never cared about me, that's been my rub with this job since day one, but I still care about whether I perform well or not. She told me I let them down. That it's too hard on them. Which I get and I understand. But feeling like I've let someone down is literally one of the worst feelings.

If you're going to comment on this, don't say anything that you think is helpful, because it probably won't be.