Discomfort

To start: This story is not just about me; it's about another human being. However, the way it is written is about me--I recognize that this is about me, and that's the point. It's about me being white and using that to point something out to my other friends who are white if it can help. I rarely tell actual stories about myself or things that I've experienced--I've never been a big storyteller nor am I one that enjoys sharing about my life. So I might be wrong about this AND I've shared a story about myself for no reason, so that's cool....anyways, here we go! (Also, it reminds me of the time I wrote about the first time someone intentionally came out to me. You can read about that here.)

I remember when I was in an interracial relationship and it was the first time I ever felt uncomfortable in the middle of the day. Not because of him, not because of us being together, not because of our relationship. But because it was the first time I indirectly experienced the discomfort that my black boyfriend felt. I didn't experience it in the same way; I didn't experience it any other way other than being a privileged white person. I don't say that in a demeaning way about those of us who are white, it's just something I've come to really learn--white people are privileged and that was my first actual exposure to truly experiencing white privilege. And it was so uncomfortable.

It's uncomfortable to recognize that so much of the world thinks you actually are better than the person's hand you're holding because you're white. It's uncomfortable to recognize that so much of the world make immediate assumptions about your relationship, you, and your partner. It's uncomfortable to get unwanted attention because there are only two of you at a table, and you two don't look the same. It's uncomfortable standing in line and having people give sneering gestures. It's uncomfortable to recognize that the world isn't always wonderful and great and kind. It's uncomfortable to be put face to face with your own privilege. A lot of things were uncomfortable that literally never occurred to me when he and I talked about formally dating. All I knew was that I liked him and he liked me.

When we would go out, heads turned. And not because we were a good looking couple (I mean, maybe that was part of it 😀), but you could start to hear the whispers, seeing the raised eyebrows, the puzzled faces (I have face blindness, and even I could tell). I don't even remember experiencing gossip in high school (then again, I'm typically completely oblivious to things), and I hadn't ever really experienced this idea of people disapproving of something I'm doing.

I had people ask me why I'm dating someone who is black (number 1 question, for sure). I had people be significantly more concerned with his skin color than the content of his character. I had people straight up tell me how much they disapproved and how I wasn't doing the right thing. I had people invite me to something and say he shouldn't come.

I was confused, but not about my feelings--I knew I wasn't in the wrong. I knew that I was dating a phenomenal guy who loved Jesus and cared about me. I was so confused about the dissonance I was experiencing that people are good, the world is good, and yet, people are kind of mean, rude, and judgy. Where did all of these people come from?!? Where did these beliefs come from?! Many of these questions came from people in my life, most of them who I would never think to describe as "racist". Some of them came from strangers. I was just so confused with the upfront confrontation of my worldview and what was actually happening.

I think some of it really did come from people not having a ton of exposure to interracial relationships, but I really couldn't get over the looks we got, the whisperings around us, the direct comments, and the overall discomfort.

I'm re-reading this and I'm thinking good gravy you have a lot of privilege...maybe tone it down. But that's the point. I have a ton of privilege and I'm going to use that to drive home the point that for the love of all that is holy, BLACK LIVES MATTER. 

I am not better than him because I'm white. I was better than him at making jokes up. He was better than me when it came to running. We were better in normal relational ways, not because of our race. But neither of us were colorblind, neither of us dismissed the experiences the other had. The difference is that I hadn't ever experienced racial comments and he had. I hadn't ever experienced so many things that I had than when we were dating and I haven't ever since we broke up. I only experienced those things because I was dating someone who was black.

I already believed he mattered before these experiences. What I didn't understand is that white privilege is a real thing. What I didn't understand is that there is an actual difference in how people are treated depending on their skin color. I don't know what/how he experienced (in) the relationship, with the exceptions of having some discussions. I don't know about the experience of being someone of color. I don't think I needed to be in that relationship to learn those things, and I don't even think I'd say that I learned these while in the relationship. This experience helped me, but I didn't need it to grasp the fact that BLACK LIVES MATTER. It wasn't his responsibility to teach me that.

One of my biggest regrets in my life (I'm a person of many regrets, by the way) is that I was too uncomfortable to really have too many conversations with him about it. (By the way, that's another example of white privilege.) I was a newbie at so many things with him and I am HORRENDOUSLY AWFUL at vulnerability. We had some conversations, but with the information that I have now, and from what I've learned since about white privilege, I know I could have done so much more.

I remember how utterly sad I was when people who were important in my life weren't glad that I was dating him, who they would ecstatic about if he was white. I was so sad.  I experienced so much discomfort, confusion, conflict, sadness, and cognitive dissonance. And I think a lot of people experienced the same when they saw us together. When you see an interracial couple, you're immediately confronted with your own beliefs and thoughts. And everyone processed it differently. 

I did see many people (slowly) come around to the idea that maybe he did matter, even though he was black. I saw some people come around to it (slowly) solely because they cared about me and at the time, that was enough for them to start to reshape their thinking. 

Friends, black lives matter. And it's a really uncomfortable journey to process through confusing feelings, cognitive dissonances, hurts, belief systems. But it's so worth it. It's so worth the discomfort to come to the beautiful and holy conclusion that black lives matter. I got to see some people start on that journey. Talk to people in grace and truth and humility. It takes a lot of uncomfortable conversations and a lot of vulnerability and hard feelings to feel. Wade through it, find safe people to process through, and with some dialectical thinking, start thinking about the idea that black lives matter. 

Too Scared to Feel Scared

I'm too scared to feel scared. And this is why you remind me of who you are. That no matter what, there is peace with you. Vulnerability is the birthplace of joy. And you have to experience it for realness--for real connection and belonging. But I don't think I'm ready.

No one's ever ready. You just have to do it. Jump. Leap. Have faith. And even if a person doesn't respond how you wanted, know that I am so proud of you. I'm enough for you, Ashley. You keep trying to find your worth in people and achievements even though you know you won't get it there. Logic isn't your issue. You have the logic. Right now, you don't need more apologetics, more "cases", more evidence. You have all of that. What you still lack is the part of the unbelief. The part that can't be entirely explained. The part that just requires faith, vulnerability. The part that requires you to feel scared. Even though you believe in me (and your friends), even though you know me to be who I say I am, even though you know and believe, trust is still so hard. I had to give you some kind of struggle :). 

I will never let you fall or leave you. Trust. Have faith, dear one. You have enough logic. Your mind is sharp. Let yourself feel vulnerable emotions. Feelings are okay. Feel scared. Feel jealous. Feel upset. Feel hurt. Feel inadequate. Feel worried. Feel them. And you'll see that I'm there too. You'll see that I'm always there. You'll see that those feelings are okay and then we can leave them--just because I want you to feel them doesn't mean I want you stuck in them. So don't stay, but experience them. And know that I'm experiencing them too. 

How is that we serve a God that meets us where we are? How is that we have a God that tells me these things? God is full of grace, mercy, accountability, kindness, and so much more. He wants us to feel and doesn't dismiss heartache and feeling scared, feeling jealous, feeling inadequate, and feeling a whole host of other emotions that we don't want to. He invites us into it and meets us there.

Restoration

I have been struggling with some things and started really journaling about it. I acknowledged where I was at. And it led to the question of who I wanted to be and more importantly, it led to open dialogue with God. Below is an excerpt from my journal, a written document of prayer. It's what is leading towards restoration that I didn't even realize I needed. I also just heard this song for the first time ("Holy One" by Rush of Fools):

I want to be a woman of grace and truth. A woman who shows accountability, empathy, and compassion to herself and others. I want to be a supportive friend and leader. I want to be a woman of strength, dignity, integrity, and courage. I want to be a woman that inspires greatness. I want to be holy--set apart--and wholly in Christ. I want to be dedicated to what I do--effective, efficient, precise, knowledgeable. I want to conduct myself in a manner worthy of the gospel. I want to remember that I'm not the goal--Jesus is. I want to align myself with the Lord, to bow to Him.

I am His daughter and He loves me through it all. Through it all, He loves me. Ashley, Jesus loves you, and is there for you. He desires you, He died for you. He is your purpose. He is your rest, He is your light. 

Ashley, my beautiful daughter. You're chasing the world again. That's why you're tired. My loved one, abide in me. Let me be your strength, your core. It's not about what you can do but what I can do in you. I love you, always. I know you love me. Trust in me. I won't ever let you go. 

What if you do let me go? What if I get too caught up? What if I doubt too much? What if I ask too many questions?

Oh, Ashley. Sweet one. You know all of these answers. Romans 8:38-39: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

You are Lord. I am. You are God. I am. You are worthy. I am. You are what I want to pursue. I am. You are good. I am. You are my purpose. I am. You are the I AM. I am. You love me, always. I do. You gently call me out and extend mercy. I do. What I want is who you are. Galatians 5:22: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."

Ephesians 3:17b-19: "And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. And to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

Ashley, I know you love me. I know your heart. I know you more than you know yourself. And I love you so much more than you can ever know. You are my child and I'm never letting you go. Your name is written in my book. You are so worthy, so cherished. You are never alone, you are never forgotten. Nothing you can do can unravel the love I have for you. Even if, even when. Fill it in however you need and the answer remains. I am the Lord your God and I love you. Neverending grace, neverending truth. The God Almighty, the Great I AM chooses you over and over and over and over again. Always and forever, you are mine. 

Forever and ever, I am yours. I struggle, I doubt, I fight, I give up, I give in. And you still lift me up, hold me, love me, choose me. You will never forsake me. You will never leave me. You will never let me go. You are the I AM. 

I am still going to struggle. I know. Why do I have so many questions? Because I made you smart. Why do you love me so? Because I do. You and the entire world, all of creation, I love. Don't ever give up on people. And when you do, come to me. That includes when you give up on yourself. Find your strength in me. I'll always restore you. I won't leave you dry. Place your confidence in me. I love you so much, my child. Forever and ever; always and infinity. I am yours and you are mine. 

I am loved. Father, I am loved by you. My fear is gone, I am set free. 'Cause I am your child and that's all that matters. 

Still Learning

I still have so much to learn. The more I learn, the more I learn how much more there is to learn. One word that I keep thinking about is this word of privilege. I have so much privilege. I'm constantly amazed at how much privilege I have and more and more feel the responsibility to use my privilege. Having privilege means I get to choose whether I want to do anything about my privilege. I don't always know how to, but I know I want to. It's in the small things, it's in the big things, it's in the day to day things (side note: I now have Chumbawumba stuck in my head).

I'm grateful for social media to be used to share amazing and wonderful things that happen throughout the world. I'm also grateful for social media to be used to share horrific and tragic events. It was largely through social media that I started reflecting about having white privilege. I was introduced to it in school and really got to dig deeper through journaling and friendships and real conversations. But social media is what was woven throughout. And social media is what helps shine a spotlight on injustices.

There are so many injustices in the world and one of them is that so often black lives are deemed as less worthy. My friends, black lives? They matter.