Yesterday the song "Christ is Enough" came into my head during prayer and I went to get my headphones, journal, and Bible. I spent hours just praying and being with Christ.
I'm pulled into the depth of how much God loves us. How much He loves me and all of humanity. Desperately, fervently. Oh, how He loves us. Thank you, Lord. For loving, loving, loving, loving so earnestly. The cross before me, the world behind me. No turning back. Reading the book of Colossians, one of my favorites. So dearly loved and I am so grateful. I was struggling and God pulled me into Him and I always feel so much more steady when I'm abiding in Christ. His truth anchors me. Anchors me in grace, love, truth, holiness. I'm so convinced that God is good, that God is worthy, that God is just, merciful, and full of abounding forgiveness and grace. Thank god for that. The true joy found in Jesus is more than anything or anyone can offer. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Christ has risen from the grave.
Earlier this month, after work, I spent an hour in my car in the parking lot, most of it crying. Like full-on sobbing, tears streaming down my face. Like my face, shirt, pants, and car seat were soaked. I also had Matthew West's "Truth Be Told" on repeat. Nothing had actually happened, it was actually a pretty good day; I think I was just feeling so burnt out and overwhelmed and stressed. I only told one person, and I said: I think that I just feel like I have to take on the weight of the world. I know I don't, and I've come far from where I was in that belief, but every now and then, it totally gets a hold of me. Like I just need to be reminded that nobody needs me to be perfect and that my worth isn't defined or dependent on my performance. That even when I feel like I'm failing, it doesn't actually mean I am. I almost didn't tell anyone and then was like Hold up, Ashley. Just share. You've been working at that. That person told me it sounded like I had done a good job at reminding myself and I was like "Oh gosh, you're right!" I also reached out to someone else and was essentially like Hey, can you just send me some encouraging words over the next few days. I just knew what I needed and I was glad I was able to ask them. Tremendous growth.
Also during my time of full-on sobbing, there was a moment when I tried to stop myself and "use my coping skills". And then I realized that I didn't need to use my coping skills. I wasn't do anything wrong or bad. That crying was okay and a good thing and that I realized that at that moment what I needed to do was to feel my feelings. I needed to let myself feel, not just cope through it and not just move on. So then I started crying again, probably even louder and wetter than the first time.
Lie number one you're supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you're doing
Just smile and tell them, "Never better"
Lie number two everybody's life is perfect except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds and your secrets safe with you behind closed doors
Truth be told, the truth is never told
I say "I'm fine, yeah I'm fine, I'm fine, oh I'm fine, but I'm not"
I'm broken
The days following that breakdown (it was on a Tuesday), I was doing really well, and then something was said (on a Friday), and I totally started to melt again. My automatic thoughts of "not good enough' and "I can't do it" came in. I was able to quickly recognize them and in the situation that I needed to be in, I didn't use any sarcasm, and was able to show up and participate. And I was also like, "Oh, crap. These are definitely my triggers. I seriously need to redo my crisis plan." What a social worky thing to say!
Anyways, this was the week before I took a weeklong vacation, and the person I texted was the one I spent most of the vacation with. During vacation, I didn't give work a thought. And I realized (remembered?) that I'm just as worthy outside of work as I am at work. That my work doesn't define me, and I'm still whole. That I don't even need this job to be considered worthy. Again and again I have to be reminded that I am worthy, I am loved, I am free, I am whole. Regardless of my title, my status, my responsibilites. And I'm so grateful. I am so thankful for my own growth and so grateful to believe in and serve a God who loves me so desperately and draws me close. I am whole and enough and free.
I've also learned the song "Tell Me" By Carrollton and I'm obsessed.
