Monday, September 10, 2018

Friendship

I want to be a good friend to people. It just takes so much work. I really do try, I just feel like I fail at it a lot. I'm going to start gathering data on being a good friend vs. not and better identify how to do it. Maybe if I quantify it, it'll be easier. If I have rules to follow. I really want to be a good friend, for people to enjoy being my friend, have fun spending time with me, feel truly heard and listened to, and to also feel guided morally and know I'll have a firm grasp of right/wrong. I want to handle difficult situation with grace, for people to want to tell me hard things and trust I'll still love them through the messiness, yet gently confront when needed. Being good at what I do is really important to me and that includes friendship. 

[Excerpt from my journal, 8/2/18]

Monday, September 3, 2018

Grace and Truth

Grace and truth. Two such beautiful words and words that if we're not careful, can overshadow the other. Somebody who I fully trust to call me out, gently did so the other day. She artfully delivered truth with grace, telling me that I sometimes overemphasize truth and leave out the grace. And she's totally right. I get so focused on justice, rules, what is right and what is wrong, that I react really strongly to when I think something is wrong and leave out the grace.

I wrote in my journal awhile back that sometimes kindness is easy, but I'm tired of letting kindness win. I need justice to win, I need to know that there is a right/wrong. I don't want to be kind when I can be right. I want people to do what is right and to know how strongly I feel about that. So much so that I do the wrong thing.

I want to be someone who people can trust to be a moral compass, to make the right decisions, to be just, to be ethical, to follow the rules, and do the right thing. Sometimes I fear that if I'm too kind, too merciful, people will think I don't take a situation seriously, or that I care more about being nice than I do what's right, so I error on the side of truth. Grace without truth leads to people doing whatever they want. Truth without grace leads to too many rules and rebellion. It's not really a balance of grace and truth that I need, as much as it is an integration. Lead, love, and have relationships with grace, while never compromising truth.

One of my favorite things about genuine conversations is that they always push me to worship. They guide me to His feet, letting me settle and rest, and wrestle, and cry, and sing, and figure things out as they align with my God.


Tuesday, May 29, 2018

Grace. Forgiveness. Patience.

Grace. Forgiveness. Patience. 
Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves to give those to us.

Some days are hard. You don't have to be so hard on yourself. 
Don't paralyze yourself. Keep going. Even when you feel alone, you 
know you're not. You know people care about you. 
Work even when you don't want to. Organize. Don't lose sight of your goals. 
Even when you do, surround yourself with people who can remind you. 
Go back to who you are. Strong. Ethical. Linear. Driven. Realist. Optimist. Independent. Christian.
Someone who sees the good in people and situation, yet can still see clear right and wrong.
Set goals again. It's okay if you're not always okay. It's okay if things change. Don't be afraid
to set goals again. And to share them. I bet people will still think highly of you. Still think you're 
important. Trust people a little bit more. Sometimes you're not going to be the best, sometimes you're going to lose, sometimes you're going to forget to follow through. Those things don't have to define you. You are still your core, your foundation-you. And you are enough. 

Friday, May 4, 2018

Drive the Bus

Throughout the program, many instructors have told us to "drive the bus". I got my first taste of what that meant recently, when I was given very different direction and feedback from people. Getting unclear directions and being expected to follow them is a little aggravating/annoying/irritating/confusing. Ultimately, what it comes down to is....I drive the bus. Not the instructors. Not my classmates. Not anyone else but me. And I have to know where I'm going, why I'm going there, where I'm not going, and why I'm not going there. So then, when I'm told to go a different way than where I think I'm going, I can think it through and make the best decision at that time. When I'm in a healthy place, it drives me to research more, learn more, explore more, understand more, to be willing and able to be gently challenged and be able to defend. When I'm in an unhealthy place, it drives into aggravation/annoyance/irritation/confusion and I just stop working and moving forward. I just stop in the middle of the street, I don't even pull over. This may or may not have happened....(it definitely did).

This will very likely be the most frustrating part of this process and what I'll need the most support with. If I'm stopped in the middle of the highway, I'll need someone to come up and help me turn the ignition on, go to a gas station, refuel, and reset. If I'm cruising along, I'll need someone to sing along with me, roll their eyes at whoever gives unclear or unhelpful feedback, and dig more to better defend.

Helpful advice from a GCU ppt slide (original emphasis):

  • Expect to hear differences in opinions for the development of your dissertation.
  • You decided what supports your dissertation focus best!
  • You need to be able to defend your position and support it from the literature.
  • Dialogue leads to trustworthiness: Assuring integrity in your approach, keeping open communications, sharing your passion, and using the literature as your evidence are essential to establishing trustworthiness and credibility with your committee. 


Tuesday, April 24, 2018

PhinisheD

That's my goal in the next few years....to be finished with my PhD. I have been thinking about how I haven't written here in a long while, a little bit on purpose, and that perhaps I should start again, chronicling the PhD journey.

Thus far, I've been in the program for about a year. I just finished my first residency, an intensive week consisting of 1:1 feedback from instructors. It was a really neat environment, getting to hyper focus on my 10 strategic points of my topic, and being surrounded by like minded people.

Since then, I've been thinking a lot about the uphill battle I have to completing this doctorate. Throughout this past first year, there are moments when I feel totally ready to conquer, and many other moments were I feel just beat down and exhausted. Not until recently have I started having those serious questions of "what the heck did I get myself into?" and even more so, "WHY in the heck did I get myself into this?"

For anyone considering getting a doctorate, just know that it's not for the faint of heart. The work to transition into an independent scholar is some serious internal work, aside from the sheer depth of the courses, and then of course, the dreaded dissertation. Which brings me back to my recent serious questionings, where I've suddenly seriously doubted I could actually do it.

On the third day of the residency, my instructor told me to get started on my Prospectus. It took me hours to just realize what exactly that might mean. Later, when we met for our 1:1, she asked me about it and I just stared at her and she's like, "You look nervous"... And for the first time that week, I was. Prior to this, I felt fine, because I felt prepared and like I knew what I was doing. I pretty much had my gap (I hoped), I pretty much had my 10 points, she said I did....and I didn't believe her. So earlier in the day, I told her straight up, "I know you said I have this, but I don't believe you". We reviewed it and I had questions and she told me to look those up and so I did....and then later, she gave me the green light to start on this Prospectus. This was terrifying because: 1-I wasn't prepared. If you know me at all, you know I like to be well prepared. 2-I didn't "know how". I wasn't taught about this yet, I hadn't learned yet, I had only kind of heard of it. 3-This is like a year away that I really focus on this, I thought. 4-This means that I'm doing well and now there is a bigger chance of failure. 

And as I was typing this, I thought "bingo".  Vulnerability. I suddenly felt massively vulnerable in front of her. A vulnerability that I hadn't felt during the days before. I hate vulnerability and want to avoid it. So, I do. I went back to my 10 points. The next day, I basically said again...that I didn't trust her when she said I was good. She literally just stopped me right then and said it was good, something about confidence, and to turn that in.

She was beautiful, amazing, kind hearted, brilliant, held us to a high standard, direct, clear, thoughtful, insightful, and all the things you want in an instructor for your first doctoral residency. She asked thought provoking questions and then expected you to think about it and have an answer for it and she consistently seemed to act with integrity, which were two of my favorite parts about her.

When she noted my nervous look on my face, and asked me about it, I knew then that she was going to be someone who I wanted to make proud. And then, she told me she was proud of me. And I again, shared my doubt...And then, thought number four came rushing in again: This means that I'm doing well and now there is a bigger chance of failure. I can't let her down. What if I let her down? I can't let myself down. What if I let myself down? I can do this. What if I can't do this? I can graduate sooner rather than later. What if I can't finish at all? Why does she seem like such a great human being? I want to be a great human being.

It's amazing how quickly those thoughts come rushing in and how much they can impact us. It meant so much to me when she told me she was proud of me. She's the kind of person that seems like she is proud of a lot of people, yet every single person feels like it's special. I really appreciated the statement, even though it also has somewhat terrified me that now I can really start to let people down.

They had us rate our stress levels and write a reason why our level was what it was. Scale of 0-10, and I just consistently put a 4. Before this moment described above happened, I was chugging along. And then she tells me she's proud of me and I can move forward on to the next step. 9. I wrote a 4. But 9. But in a good way. Like you for real think I can do this? Can I for real trust you? The answer to both of those might actually be yes. It's been about five days since the end of residency and I'm still not really sure where I'm at on all of this.

I have a lot more to process (which she totally recognized, how is she so good?!) and I have a lot more to do. I can't really do much until I process....so processing part 1 starts here.