Rest of the Week

Wednesday

Wednesday was my first day of Practicum. I'm in a middle school (and sort of elementary school), doing school social work. For second year clinical students, we have to do 24 hours of supervised Practicum per week for 30 weeks (720 hours total). I'll be doing group therapy with emotionally disturbed kids, those whose mental health impairs all ability to perform academically, and will do individual counseling with students who have SW on their IEP (that's my understanding anyway).

I was only there for 3 hours on Wednesday. And all I did was talk to my supervisor and go on a brief tour of the school. As soon as I got home, I went to bed. I woke up for 20 minutes, ate, and went back to sleep. I essentially slept from 5pm-6am. Then, I had to get up to go to class.

Thursday

Thursday is when I have all of my classes, 8am-6pm. Three classes, with about 90 minute break for lunch. Each class is about 2 hours and 40 minutes. I was super concerned about how I was going to do, because I hadn't gone that long since this thing happened. Ever. Especially having to concentrate and such. I was really slow and not engaging my first class. But hey, it was at 8am, so what's new. I got to rest a little bit at lunchtime, and then did better as the day went on. I wasn't great, I wasn't the regular "Ashley" in class. Luckily, one of my teachers, who is at the end of the day--I had him last year, all year long, so he definitely knows me. But my other two are new to me. And there are so many new people this year, so I'm all super bummed that the only "Ashley" these people know is the post concussion Ashley. 

But, after unloading and talking a little bit with that last teacher of the day, I was feeling better. That, and he let us out of class after only 1 1/2 hours, so it was super early. I was getting tired again, but my friends were being super, super nice and supportive. And I hadn't seen them in awhile, and one in particular, who lived near me. So we went out to dinner. At first, I was like..look, I'm not fun to be around, let's not. But she's super nice and said, "I've been having fun with you all day!" Towards the end of the meal, I got a lot better. She noticed a dramatic shift and said, "There's Ashley! She's coming back!" So that made me feel a little better. She still didn't trust my driving and my friends made a safety plan for me as far as driving and such and potential game plans that I could do and not over extend myself. 

As soon as I got home, which was around 6, the time I would have gotten home anyway, I went straight to bed. (I showered first, then went to bed). I slept, again, all the way through the night, until Friday morning. 

My speech was a little fumbly, especially as the day it went on, it got worse. 

So both Wednesday and Thursday night, I slept for like 12-13 hours. 

Friday

I had to be at school at 7:30am. I did great today. My speech was on par, I was coherent, I was present, I remembered things (like my new funky password!), I walked, I engaged. Today was awesome. Maybe it's because I got so much sleep the last few days. Maybe it's because the medicine is starting to get into full swing (the new one is supposed to help with concentration and mobility, basically, and it's decent dosage). 

At school, my first full day, was also great because of casual Friday. I always do better when I'm dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. Preferably, soccer shorts and a shirt, but whatever, I'll take what I can get. But for reals. There were 48032984 meetings we had to go and some were impromptu and some were scheduled and some of the scheduled ones we couldn't make because of the impromptu meetings. We were all over the place. It was great, I loved it. I didn't understand what was happening most of the time, but I loved it. 

I got home and chatted with my roommate. And then I was in much need of a nap. I dozed for like an hour, and then felt rejuvenated. The rooms and I tried to decide what we want to do...and decide to hit up bingo night because the website says it's free. We call to get the deets, but the dude wasn't super helpful.

So we go and we're all excited...and we caused shenanigans within the first 20 seconds. We escorted ourselves out within the first 5 minutes and decided to not go there ever again. We accidentally stole someone's ink thing to mark bingo, someone's seat, and we had an old lady scold us and an old man. Then, it was explained that it costs money to play bingo. And it costs more money for a marker. Why can't I just use pennies? Okay, maybe it's like $5. No, a card and marker costs $19. But, that particular lady, and other people around, had like 7 bingo cards. What the filth. Anyways, we left. 

And decided to see Monster's University. So good. So inspirational! And then watched a TV episode. 

So, I've gone all day, been awake since 6:30am, working and out and about since 7:30am with the exception of my hour nap, and it's almost midnight. And I did super well all day. I'm tired now and ready for bed, but still. I made it two whole days in a row. And I had one perfect day--I went one whole day without too many symptoms. 

Now I have the whole weekend to rest. And it's a 3 day weekend. Things are hopefully looking up. Long, not so great, very symptomatic week. But today was pretty good. 

Week Long Updates

This may sound strange, but I completely forgot about this blog. I completely forgot about a lot of things, actually. Maybe not so strange, since,  you know, I do have mTBI (apparently, the preferred name for what happened--mild traumatic brain injury).

Monday

So, Monday, I went to the concussion clinic. First, I got super lost and went to two places before I ended up in the right area and parked on the complete opposite end of the place. I had forgotten my directions and all the instructions. I ended up wicked late to the appointment, instead of wicked early, as planned.

The special doc did some balance testing...she asked if I could do it without blinking my eyes so much. I told her I didn't realize I was. She asked me to do other things. And then I got dizzy and had to sit. But not super dizzy, so I asked if I passed. She said...no, not really.

Then, I had to do a special computer IMPACT test that is specifically designed to test one's memory, concentration, recall, recognition, spatial ability, vocabulary ability, reaction time, and some other things. It also has a way to test my reliability with the test. Before I took it, I had to rate all of my symptoms, based on severity. Directly after the test, I had to rate them again. Anyways, I did that and when the scores were printed, I asked the administrator if I passed. She said..um, well, there were..some low scores..but you know what, the doctor will discuss it with you.

My head pounded, dizziness started, and super light sensitive (which hadn't been an issue) and my emotions were..a little higher.. after the test. I sat for 40 minutes waiting for the doctor, where I closed my eyes and blocked all the light out and probably cried a little bit and tried to rest.

The special doctor comes in and we talk a little bit. She tells me overall, I didn't do too bad. My words/vocabulary was really good without the distractors, but with distractors, a little low. My design memory wasn't great (spatial) and symbol match and total memory (recall, not recognition) was awful (but really, does that surprise anyone? I've never had a good memory..) My color matching was completely accurate, but a bit slow and the three letters test I was really slow. (You can google the test, it goes over the entire thing, so you can actually know what I'm talking about, and I have my exact results if you want them.)

Then it has all my composite scores listed. And then calculates my cognitive efficiency index. Mine is 0.32. That measures between accuracy and reaction time. The range is approximately 0 to .70, with a mean of .34. So I was just slightly below the mean.

So, not awful, but not wonderful.

The doctor kind of said...not so sure about school. I told her the same thing I told my PCP. If it's not going to kill me, I'm doing it. So she said okay on a few conditions:

1. I don't work, at least for the first few weeks.
2. I get a medical parking permit from school (I have to park close to campus buildings for the next 5 weeks, because I can't/not supposed to walk that much.)
3. I follow up with her in 2 weeks
4. I do as little as possible, just school, and that is absolutely it.
5. I understand that I won't do as well in school.
6. I start taking another medicine, in addition to the one my PCP prescribed.
7. I potentially go see a speech pathologist.

So here's what's actually happening.
1. I'm not giving my new job her note. I already lost one job because of this, not going to lose another.
2. I do have a medical permit now. I feel weird with it. It's not a handicap or disability, it's a different kind.
3. The appointment interferes with my practicum........
4. Well...not happening...
5. I've almost come to terms with that, but um, not really.
6. It actually has also helped.
7. They were supposed to call me and still haven't.

So that was my Monday appointment, in detail. The doctors want me to stop my life, and I get it, and I understand, but I can't do it. It's not feasible. We need to come up with a legitimate, feasible, and doable game plan. The doctor said I'll definitely have 100% recovery, but the more I do, the longer it will prolong my symptoms. Again, I get it. But I can't not do things. I can't not work. I can't not do well. I can't not engage with people. I can't not keep going to all these appointments.

She said, it's likely that with my current potential schedule, my symptoms will last all semester, because I'm doing too much. 

So I'm trying. I really am. I'll post the rest of the week in another one, because this got wicked long. 

Oye to the Poodles Already

Quick 35 second clip of one of my all time favorite shows, Gilmore Girls.

Today, my speech super regressed. And I started drinking a lot of water again and going to the bathroom a lot. I didn't connect the dots, but as I've mentioned, I have a super awesome and smart doctor.

I had to get my TB test read today, so when I was in the doctor's office, my speech was how it was like the second week. Slow, skipping words, slurred, you know..
So they could finally actually hear what I was talking about, because every time I've been there, I've been "pretty normal". So the nurse was all worried and then the doc called me and said if I continue to not do well, particularly if I urinate like double (like I was), then I have to go to the ER this weekend.

She said, "Hopefully, we can make it through this weekend". She's thinking it may be connected and I might actually have DI, and so when I get "dehydrated" (in quotes because I drink soooo much water), it may affect my speech. I said, "But you tested me, and I didn't have it" and she said, "It wasn't the actual test" and she explained the actual test, which sounds super, super awful (water deprivation test) and that it's my electrolytes I have to get tested and such.

I have no intention of going back to the ER and have less than zero desire to, especially after my last incident there.

Anyways, so now, I'm just going to start drinking a ton of gatorade again to replenish the electrolytes, stay in the AC, keep track of water and bathroom and speech and gatorade intake again, and rest.

The nurse (who is also super awesome) gave me the emergency doctor number. The pharmacist gave me their emergency number, just in case. And then the doctor said I may have to go to the ER. This is getting ridiculous. Three different health professionals, all giving me special numbers.

My roommates both left for the weekend, so I'm all by myself this weekend..I will try to be very careful and track everything.

So anyways, I just took like a 45 minute nap, been drinking gatorade, and now feeling better.

Also, good news: I double checked with the nurse and doctor, and the medicine I'm on is just temporary, just to help me through this recovery process. So I feel much more calm, knowing that it's a short term medicine, even though it's normally for long term things. And that it's on the lowest possible dosage (10mg/1x day--and the normal dosage for adults is 25mg 3-4x/day) also makes me feel a lot better.

Struggling

Some people are texting me, messaging me, asking me how I'm doing. And when I'm real and say, not so good. No one knows what to say.

I'm struggling.
I just want to be better. I want to be normal again. I want to be Ashley again. I want to engage with people again. I want to love life again. I want to read all the time again. I want to excel in what I do again. I want to make jokes again. I want to laugh again. I want to be fun again. I want to be outside again. I want to be easy going again. I want to be how I was on July 23. The day before all of this.

I realized that medicine scares me. I used to be such a huge proponent of medicine, but now that I have some, I'm scared. I'm sure it'll be good and helpful, hope so anyway. But what it actually is for scares the hell out of me.

What the doctor actually said, that I didn't write, scares the hell out of me. What it is actually going on is the most frightening thing I think I've ever encountered and I don't know what to do.

All I did was hit my head. No brain bleeding, no brain swelling, no permanent brain injury. So why are my symptoms so horrible. Why are they not going away. Why am I not recovering at the rate I should be. 

More Doctor Appointments

First, I looked up the word "disgruntled" and I realized that's exactly what I am.
Second, I was in my irritated stage when I wrote about the exit interview.

Anyways. Today, I went to my follow up doctor appointment.

Before doctor appointment, my friend came over and brought ice cream, lunch, and coloring books. That made me feel 4830x better.

Anyways.
Basically, doctor was super impressed with my organizational skills, not so impressed with my recovery.

I have constant fatigue, sometimes insomnia, sometimes I sleep all the time, constant headaches, irritability, withdrawn and not wanting to socialize, and have difficulty concentrating.

She thought maybe I should do cognitive therapy. She called the neurologist and they talked and decided to do two things.

1. I have to go to a concussion clinic next week. There, they're going to do all kinds of tests, educate me more about concussions, check my reaction time, balance, impact/computer test, etc. From there, they'll come up with a potential plan of action, if need be.

2. I now have a prescribed medicine. It's supposed to help with some of my symptoms.

I asked the doctor about school.
She said:
1. It definitely won't cause permanent damage.
2. I probably won't excel anywhere near the rate I was (until I'm fully recovered).
3. It will be extremely difficult, may delay recovery, and concussion will strongly affect school.
4. There is nothing the teachers can do as far as any accommodations to help me.
5. She's unsure if I'll actually be able to do it, given that at work, they would send me home after 3 hours.

Exit Interview

I had my exit interview today from the CMHC, which is just weird according to my mom and aunt since I was involuntarily terminated.
For those who don't know, my aunt is HR manager of a mega church (18,000 members, approximately 9,000 attendees any given service) and my mom is Senior Director of HR at a major health network (5,000 employees), so I go to them for HR advice and questions, they're pretty good at their jobs.

I turned in my phone, charger, keys, and fob. The HR manager hands me the paper to do the exit interview--doesn't go over it with me, doesn't ask me the questions, doesn't dialogue with me about it.
I fill it out, I'm pretty honest, and then when I'm done, HR just says, "Okay, thanks". So I made them dialogue with me.

I explained that while I understood from an employer perspective, I no longer meet their minimum requirements and don't necessarily argue the fact I'm being terminated (I'm a little pissed, don't get me wrong, but I do understand it). However, I didn't think it was handled well. No one asked me how I was, no one checked in, I wasn't given a time frame, I wasn't told that if I wasn't fully released within a specific time frame I would be terminated, I wasn't told which specific reason I needed to be released on (she told me it was the driving), all I was told was that I had to be fully released in order to return and when I turned in my note saying I wasn't fully released, the first words were that I'm being terminated.

This is the part that actually almost sent me over the edge. 
The HR manager, who was very kind, said, "That's very surprising to hear that, because I met with the director and supervisor, asking about progress, checking in, following up, and all we got in response was a doctor note." She had put on "that face" and had "that tone"--you know the one. I have it all the time when I know someone is lying (especially when I was an RA) my mom has it all the time when she knew I was lying when I was little or her "HR face". That one.

But I wasn't lying. And I got really mad. I think I did actually manage to keep my cool, but I also explained, no, actually. I would go straight from the doctor to work to turn in my notes. I am responsible. The very first week, July 26, when it first happened, when I couldn't communicate, my uncle called my supervisor for me. Otherwise, I never heard anything. The only other time I heard anything was when I was partially released, and I got a VM saying I could only come back if I was fully released. Again, no time frame, not saying I would be terminated if I weren't released soon, not asking how I was. I said I called back, we played phone tag, and she left me another VM saying same thing.

The next week, I turned in my note, I caught my supervisor. And first thing she said was that I was being terminated.

I said I have the messages, my phone records, if you want to see how many times I was called. I offered to play the VM, even. I only have two phone calls, two VM, not until the third week, just saying I need to be fully released.

So now it's just a he said/she said and I'll probably just be seen as a "disgruntled employee" and they're the shining supervisor who apparently checked in, communicated with me, explained everything, and all I did was give them a doctor note and didn't respond. I'm so mad.

I'm not a disgruntled anything. I'm not disgruntled. That's not a word people use to describe me. More recently, maybe irritable, but I'm still Ashley, for the most part. I'm not mean. I don't fight people, I don't tear people down, I don't act irresponsibly,  I don't lie, I don't demean people, I don't 'fight fire with fire'.

But they don't know me. They don't know that. All they saw was what was reported, not in writing I presume, from my supervisor. And what was reported was different than what I experienced.

I am almost okay with the whole being fired thing, because I didn't do anything wrong. I understand the reason for the termination, and that's something I have to deal with. But I am definitely not okay with being made to look like I'm in the wrong or like I lied or anything like that. Because I'm not and I didn't. 

Also, my speech is regressing today. I started to be unable to use contractions, start to get a little slow and deliberate, and it was like back to the second week. But sometimes it is better. Maybe it's just when I'm stressed/mad it goes back?

On the good side, while school said if I can't actually fully meet the requirements, I should withdraw or do PT, they were very kind and very helpful. My new practicum instructor said she is more than willing to work with me and my new job said they were too. They were all very kind in their responses. 

"Do Not Tell Me 'It Can't Be Done'"

Pearl Harbor is one of my favorite movies. Arguably, this is one of the most moving scenes. School has suggested I don't do FT--I either withdraw for this semester or do PT. I will be asking my doctor what will happen if I do FT school, even if I'm  not actually ready.

It's a lot easier for people to say pushing school off isn't a big deal when it's not them. I didn't just give up everything and move halfway across the country because I only kind of care about school. School has always and will always be my priority. More than work, more than my health, and more often than I care to admit, more than my relationships. Is it wrong? Probably. But school comes first.

My friend asked "Is it worse to delay your degree or to delay your recovery?"
My degree.
She was a little mad.

I've basically been resting/sleeping from 5pm Friday until now. (So the past 48 hours..)
I'm about to go back to sleep.
Still have massive headaches.
Still super irritable. And now really frustrated.
Less anxious, as I was in the first two weeks.
Still can't concentrate.
I either sleep all the time or can't sleep at all.
But I'm always tired.

I have to meet with HR on Monday. My doctor on Wednesday.

If the doctor says it will be difficult to do school FT, I'll do it. If the doctor says I may cause permanent damage if I over stimulate the brain too quickly, I may consider my options. If the doctor says it'll just delay my recovery, but I'll still eventually be fine and it'll just be really difficult, I'll do it FT.

I only have one more freaking year of school. That's all. I just want to finish.