Being Different

There’s a song that has a line that says “I want to be different” and I hate it. I actually DON’T want to be different. I don’t want to be unique. I don’t want to stand out. Yet, as a Christian, I’m called to be holy. And sometimes that’s great. More often though, I don’t like it. 

I’ve been irritated at God plenty of times and ask Him why can’t I do x, y, z? How come everyone else gets to? Why can’t I be more like these people? And I remember one time so patiently and clearly how he responded: Because you listen. Because you listen and you keep my commandments. 

But God! They’re having fun. They at least got to leave you for a little bit and then came back, why can’t I do that? Because you listen. 

But I don’t want to be compliant. It’s not compliance, it’s love. You love me. 

Yeah, but so do other people. My heart is always for people. Keep abiding in me, I’m your source of comfort and of light, and of love. 

I know. But other people get that from you AND the world. You cannot serve two masters. 

They don’t have two masters. But they have love and comfort and friendship and fun here. Why can’t I? Do you need it? No, but I don’t like being different. You’re called to be different. I know… Is it okay that I’m sad and sometimes mad and oftentimes feeling left out because I choose you above all else? Yeah…but remember your joy comes from me alone. And do you really believe you don’t have love and comfort and friendship and fun? I know sometimes it feels that way, but you know it’s not true. You know I don’t withhold good things. You know my peace and my love is perfect. You know you’re my beloved. You know that I’m always for you and I’m always with you. You know you’re loved by people. You know I’ve never let you go unloved. What about fun? Ash, it’s such a lie that you’re boring. It’s such a lie. It’s such a lie that the world is more fun and better. It’s such a lie that I’m withholding from you. It’s such a lie that you’re not fun or not good enough. You are my daughter whom I created, who I love, who obeys me, who listens to me, and whom I’m never ever ever letting go of. You’re my fun, joyous, kind, loving, beautiful, earnest, wonderful creation. You’re so loved.