Fast Car

I have surely heard this song before in my life, but I just recently heard it on the radio this past weekend. All I could think of was how beautiful it was. The melody, the lyrics, it was soothing in a way. 

I think I have finally figured out why Mondays are so hard for me (other than the obvious reason that Mondays just suck for everyone). How I am in the mornings, is how I am all day on Mondays. Kinda grumpy and don't talk to anyone.

I don't do transitions well, I need time to prep..
And when I have a weekend of living my lifestyle and then going to work and seeing a totally different way of living, it takes me the whole day to transition and understand. I debated writing that, because I sound like a jerk and a snob, but there it is.

And then Tuesday-Friday, I am focused and attentive and understanding. But Mondays, it's rough. My brain doesn't switch that quickly.

Now, I'm not making that much money. I compared my salary to the federal poverty line...I'm not too far from it, myself. But I'm not part of this cycle, and I recognize that and I understand that even though my salary isn't much more than theirs (which is a whole other discussion, because I have my master's, 3-4 degrees more than the average client of mine does), I have a huge, huge safety net and surrounded by those who can and will always help me. I actually have zero fear of ever being homeless, because of this safety net.

Sometimes, I need things described to me in different ways, multiple times, on a consistent basis. I work with those who are living at/below the poverty line. Essentially, not just people struggling, but the "poorest of the poor".

I met with someone the other day. They are over 50 years old and they said, "I just got my first apartment. I'm working on building my credit. I didn't have bad credit, I just didn't have any, because I had never heard of it before. I always paid in cash and that's how everyone in my life paid for things."

Four people out of the...almost 100? people I have worked with have ever even heard of a budget/spending plan and of those four, two of them had actually created one before.

I could go on, but that isn't even the focus of this writing.

It's this song. Ever since I heard it, I've been hooked. It helps me understand. Because it is easy to blame and shame those who don't have much. It's easy for me to do that, and I'm a social worker. I forget that the people in front of me are real. I forget that this is their life. I forget that they probably didn't dream of being a doctor or a lawyer or an astronaut. I forget that almost every single one of them is part of the generational cycle of poverty. I forget that they often don't feel like "someone". And when I forget, I start to blame and get apathetic.

So when Tuesdays roll around, and I listen to this song, I'm more motivated to make each person who I encounter "feel like someone". I always want to give hope. I always want them to walk out of my office feeling better than when they came in. 

One year

The night of July 23/morning of July 24 (around 4:30am) one year ago is when I incurred my concussion. The last month or so, I've been trying to calm my body down. It's like it knows what happened and that it's the "anniversary". I haven't been sleeping as great, getting a little more "on edge", and just feeling like...tense about it.The night just like..invades my thoughts. I've been trying to figure out how to prepare, because the date has just been ingrained into my head.

Tonight, I'm having major flashbacks. I keep replaying last year in my head over and over and over again. This isn't the first time I've had these, but they are more "real" this time. It's just like recurring, all the time.

It doesn't help that tonight started the same way. Last year, I got home exhausted on July 23 and crashed as soon as I got home, around 7pm. And then woke up a few hours later. And then went back to bed and then woke up again at 4:30am, sweaty and disoriented, barely made it to the kitchen, where I passed out unconscious and knocked my head and got a severe mTBI.

Tonight, July 23, I got home and fell asleep by 7:30pm. It's almost 10 and I just woke up. It's like the exact same thing and it's scaring me. I'm in the same house, in the same bed, same room. No one is home. Just like last year. I probably should have asked to stay with someone or someone to stay with me tonight. Because I'm terrified, right now. I don't want to be here, right now. And I'm crying. And I'm sweating.

I've set up a bunch of water in my room and I'll get more, just in case. And I turned the air down. And I've texted a few people just saying hey, it's been a year i'm having some flashbacks, basically. I'm hoping all of those things will help. And I'm writing about it, here. It's helping. (Ha, one of my best friends just texted me ":( maybe try writing about it?") They know me well.

Spark KU

I was having lunch with a friend of mine on Friday and she told me about an event later that evening called Spark KU. As soon as she told me I was like this sounds awesome, I want to go.

This event had applied to be an independent TED talk--yeah. It got denied, so called it Spark. And that's essentially what it was--it was like a mini TED conference and it was awesome.

There were 7 speakers and the KU a capella group (Genuine Imitation). I took copious notes and just want to type them up here so I have them elsewhere than my messy notebook.

Dan Deeble--Pastor at Heartland Community Church

• Started with a story of his 6 year old daughter asked a lot of questions about church/God
• To doubt, to ask questions, to grapple is so important
• A great learner begins with doubts
• "If a man will begin with certainties he will end in doubts; but if he is content to begin with doubts, he will end in certainties" -Francis Bacon
• Good doubt v. bad doubt
• Good doubt
• Is humble
• Asks questions
• Is vulnerable
• Is intellectually curious
• Allows for mystery
• Where the spark begins
• Bad doubt
• Is prideful
• Is closed off
• Makes statements
• Is calloused
• Demands certainty
• Is superior
• Is cynical
• "It's okay to be exactly where you are, but not okay to stay there"
• To remove doubt
• Make a doubt list
• Find someone to share your doubts with
• Doubt your doubt
• Practice your doubt

Riddhiman Das--PhD candidate in Biometrics

• Born in 1990 in India
• Wrote his own programming code, started 3 companies, worked at Google, and Facebook
• Technologist of the year
• UMKC--computer science, math, entrepreneurship
• "I had many things taken away from me, I still made it...so can you."

Amy Long--Greek Life, Associate Director

• Moved from Iowa-->Oregon-->KS
• Invest in yourself and experiences
• Build relationships, be vulnerable
• What are the little opportunities I can say yes to in order to grow, shape myself, etc. so that when the big ones come I can say yes to that
• Stretch myself
• What opportunities should I take a risk on?
• "If someone offers you an amazing opportunity and you're not sure you can do it, say yes--then learn how to do it later." -Richard Brason
• When someone is willing to take a chance on me, believes in me, I need to be willing to say yes

Dan Low--MFA, current KU Student #THENEWMYTHOLOGY

• Human beings are a special kind of being because we question how to be
• Want to fulfill potential, transform into how we can be
• Social media--digital entity that relies solely on user

Cody Charles--Academic Enrichment Program for OMA, Associate Director 

• Started with "How did I make it?"--grew up poor, southern Baptist, in a shack
• Mom left him when he was 7, was bullied, shamed, wanted to disappear
• "Angels", people who influenced him
• "You can go to college" --Teacher
• "I saw that and it's not okay" --Spoke when he couldn't
• "You belong here", Introduced to staff, helped him become part of a community. --RA

Curtis Marsh--KU Info

• Everyone is a juggler
• Used prop of juggling (switching hands)
• People ask about 300 questions/day to KU Info
• Don't judge people for their questions
• Seek an answer for any and all questions (even the ones that seem ridiculous)
• Take on perspective
• Get people to do what you want them to do because they believe in you and where you are going
• Lead by creative buy in
• Perspective and balance
• Where are you coming from? How did you get here? Where are you going?

Dr. Shane Lopez--Lead Researcher at Gallup

• 70% of Americans hate their jobs (Newspaper heading)
• Reality: hate=not engaged
• Health is worse if you hate your job
• Researched people who loved their jobs
• It is my responsibility to find a job that is a good job for me
• When we make things, we love things more
• Time spent, people engaged, feeling like you matter
• Test drive the future
• Trust your gut
• Play to your strengths
• Craft your job
• Shop for the right boss
• Individualizes to me
• Wants to inspire me
• Sets high standards and doesn't compromise on them

Handed to Me

So I have kind of had everything handed to me, everything I thought I wanted, everything I have been looking for, I kind of had it all.

I had a job offer at an awesome agency.
The boy and I decided to try to start a relationship.
I have gotten hooked into a great church.
I have fantastic friendships here.

But. I have realized it still wasn't what I really wanted.
I decided to turn down the offer.
I told the boy that if he wants to be in a relationship with me, he will need a lot of patience because I'm not easy to get to know.
I technically only have two more Sundays at the church.

The big thing is the job right now. I don't know if turning it down was the right thing or not. I don't know if that was stupid of me or good of me.

But I felt like it was a bigger decision than just the job.
I didn't know if it was more important to prove to myself that I'm not that prideful.
Of if it was more important to prove to myself that I'm worth more.

It really would have been a great first place to work. The agency is great. The people are great. The job itself is not. The pay is definitely not. It was tough to decide.

I also feel like I've been so caught up in how I should be feeling about all of this, that I haven't really allowed myself to feel how I'm actually feeling.

The biggest thing I have learned in social work is that no feeling is bad. It's okay to feel however you feel, there is no wrong way.

Sometimes though, I'm too practical to just let myself feel. And that's the mode I'm definitely in right now. 

Things Got Complicated

So not two weeks ago did I have my potential plan all laid out. But these last two weeks have been a whirlwind of events that are shifting everything and things have gotten complicated really quickly.

I had an interview today. I wasn't looking for it, I didn't apply for it (well I did), it just kind of happened.

Basically, I was told to apply for this job (in KS) and I kind of waved it off. Then I was asked again and then a third time, so I finally applied, got called for an interview and had the interview today.

Because many people read this and I don't know anymore who still does or doesn't, I can't put too much here. Like my pro/con list if I were offered. I may not even be offered it. But there are some major pros and really major cons.

But I need to hash it out with someone.

Here's the other complication. There's a boy who is kind of persuading me to stay in this area.
And that's a new thing. That very, very, very few people know about. Two people, to be exact.

So if you talk to my family, it'd be great if you let me be the one to tell them about anything and not you..I've never really not told my family things since like middle school, it's been a long time since I've gotten this...anxious about telling them things. And it's not for bad reasons that I'm keeping it. It's just...

They have been banking on me being back in AZ for a long time. My dad writes me letters every week telling me he's counting down the days. My mom leaves voicemails. And I love them. And I miss them and I really miss AZ. And I know I will be breaking their hearts if I even am considering staying here. And my brother, I love him, but he's got too much going on with his own life for me to try to ask him for advice.

So I'm kind of postponing it until I have a better idea. But maybe they would prefer it if I talked to them now about it? I don't know. I told my mom this would happen--that if they kept only talking about AZ and me being there, it would likely affect my ability to discuss things with them..

Way too many decisions. I liked it better when I had the freedom to do anything I wanted and could go anywhere. Didn't feel tied down. Here's a fun song that I always think of with "tie me down".

I just want to grow and not get stuck.
and
I want to figure things out with this boy.

Life Plans

Since I don't like talking about life plans, the future, what I'll be doing next, or anything related at all, it makes nearing graduation superrrr difficult since that is all anyone wants to talk about.

I'll go ahead and put here what's to come, though.

My last day of Practicum is April 25.
My last day of class is May 8.
My hooding ceremony is May 16.
My "walk down the hill" (KU tradition) is May 18.
My little brother's graduation 1200 miles away is May 19.

So here's the basic plan.
My mom is flying out sometime the week of my graduation. Then she'll fly home May 17. My best friend is either flying or driving out sometime that week also. She and I will make the 1200 mile drive to make it to my brother's graduation.

Before I drive to AZ, I'll either be selling or donating my car.
I'm going to pack up all of my things/sell/donate all of my things....which isn't much, really.
Even though I have my house here until July 31 (that's when the lease ends) and I have to pay for it, as of now, I'm not going back to KS. So May 18 is my last day in KS.

So hopefully that clears some things up.

The next big question is my job.
So here's the deal. I will be licensed in KS (LMSW) here shortly. I just have to graduate. And even though there are times I don't think I will, I realize I currently have 100% in all of my courses, so it's pretty safe to say I'll be good.
I can transfer the license to AZ and have dual licensure.
Many people are trying to apply for jobs now and want one lined up right away and some are already starting their careers.

I am not. Here's why:
1. I have to have my time to reflect and think. If I just jump in, I'll never do it.
2. This is the first time in my life where I have the most freedom I have ever had in my entire life. I can literally go anywhere and do almost anything. Yes I have family and friends, but I'm not tied down to any of them. And they know that. I'm only going to AZ for my brother's graduation. And I have to stay because one of my really good friend's is getting married and she would probably actually kill me if I didn't go to her wedding. I could go back to KS, but why make the trip/pay the money if I don't have a super legitimate reason? There have been arguments made, but none are convincing enough.

Back to the whole true freedom thing. My best friend keeps reminding me that I have a professional degree. Every single time I get worried about jobs, she is like, "Ashley. Stop. You have your graduate degree. That holds more weight than you realize, I think." And then she advises me to just slow down. Take some time. Chill out. Enjoy my time with my family. Reconnect with people in AZ. Since I've been in grad school, I've only been home..twice, the longest time a little less than 2 weeks. And while I was in college, I went home on the major breaks, and that was it.

I have more money saved than the average student. I'm not like rolling in the dough by any means, but I've worked hard during college and I'm a good saver and steward with my money. So that eases some of my strain and reduces the immediate pressure of getting a job right away.

Also, I started working when I was 16. With the exception of my freshman year of college, I have never not worked. And even then, I only didn't work during those two academic semesters. But I have worked every winter/summer and spring break in some capacity. So I'm exhausted. And it has taken my best friend several conversations to finally convince me that it is okay to breathe and take a few weeks off. Although, I obviously still feel like I need to justify myself, otherwise I wouldn't have written this paragraph...I clearly still have some growing I need to do..

A Response to the Response to the Response

Have you seen this? http://fox4kc.com/2014/04/09/teacher-responds-brilliantly-to-students-profane-letter/ (Click anywhere, it's all a link). It's the "Teacher responds brilliantly to student's profane letter"

I kept seeing the blurb pop up all over FB for a long time, so I finally looked at it. And it made me mad.

I didn't even read it. I probably should..Okay, I just read it. Still a little mad, but less at the teacher now and more at the response it's generating.

I wouldn't be so upset if this didn't happen to me, but because of my experience, I'm not so wild about the media response.

I currently  do school social work--I work with elementary and middle school students who have SW on their IEP (meaning I work with special education students).

I had one particular student in middle school who wrote an e-mail to the assistant principal. The email was about a particular class, specifically about the teacher of that class. It was full of grammatical and spelling errors, it had run on sentences, there were random capital letters and words that were capitalized, it was rude towards the teacher. It was way worse than this letter the student wrote to the english teacher.

The AP forwarded it to the SPED teacher, who gave it to me. At first I responded in the way that people are responding to this letter. In a word, judgmental and blaming the student.

I thought more about it, and realized that was the totally wrong response, but I wasn't sure what the right response was. I just knew that wasn't it. I talked it over with my field instructor and she said, good for her. Good for that student.

After mulling over that, I realized yes!! Yes, good for that student. I told the SPED teacher--This is awesome. One of the student's goals was to self-advocate. One of the goals is to share their thoughts. One of their goals is speak up when they don't like something or disagree with it. One of the goals was to take action.

And that student did all of those things. Were they done in the most appropriate way? Maybe not, but as of now, that's all this student knows. It meant I had more work to do with them, but we had done a lot. So in my eyes--in the social work eyes--and I explained it to the SPED teacher and they agreed--that student did awesome and met their goals. We were making profound progress with that student.

I talked to the student. And told them how proud I was of them. The SPED teacher and I didn't blame them or shame them. I so appreciated the SPED teacher because she trusted my judgment on the situation. I talked to the teacher of the whom the e-mail was written about and that teacher also agreed with me--that we should be proud of that student for meeting their goals and she also trusted my judgment and abilities.

We had a meeting with the teacher of whom the e-mail was about, the assistant principal, the SPED teacher, me, and the student. I coached the student and prepped them prior to the meeting. The student asked us if we could talk for them and I said no. You can do this. You've shown you can. I believe in you. I am right there with you, I'm your advocate, I can help explain things, but you're doing the talking. This is your fight. I'm not fighting it for you, but I am standing alongside you.

And that student did. And then afterwards I did a little bit of CBT with them and processed the meeting. And you know what? The teacher that the e-mail the student wrote about and the student get along well now. They better understand each other. I am willing to bet that this English teacher and student who wrote the letter don't get along--hate each other, most likely. This student, who actually included nice things about the teacher, probably no longer feels that way. I can almost guarantee it, in fact. And if they do get along, it is ONLY because they worked through the shaming, blaming, and guilt that fueled from it. I truly believe that.

I don't know the student's story who wrote that letter to the English teacher. I don't know if they have issues or goals or have a learning disability or anything. And I'm not trying to make excuses for that student, or for my student for that matter.

But I don't think shaming--and that's what this is, this is shaming that student who wrote that letter to the English teacher--I don't think shaming is a brilliant or appropriate response. I think doing what the teacher did whom my student wrote about it was the right thing. That teacher listened and engaged in conversation. Never once did she blame the student or make the student feel guilty. Never once did the teacher yell at the student or embarrass them.

So when I see this all over the media, I get mad.
The actual teacher's response, is more or less...whatever..I'm kind of indifferent to it, honestly. But the response to the teacher's response is what's getting to me.