Friday, May 2, 2014

Handed to Me

So I have kind of had everything handed to me, everything I thought I wanted, everything I have been looking for, I kind of had it all.

I had a job offer at an awesome agency.
The boy and I decided to try to start a relationship.
I have gotten hooked into a great church.
I have fantastic friendships here.

But. I have realized it still wasn't what I really wanted.
I decided to turn down the offer.
I told the boy that if he wants to be in a relationship with me, he will need a lot of patience because I'm not easy to get to know.
I technically only have two more Sundays at the church.

The big thing is the job right now. I don't know if turning it down was the right thing or not. I don't know if that was stupid of me or good of me.

But I felt like it was a bigger decision than just the job.
I didn't know if it was more important to prove to myself that I'm not that prideful.
Of if it was more important to prove to myself that I'm worth more.

It really would have been a great first place to work. The agency is great. The people are great. The job itself is not. The pay is definitely not. It was tough to decide.

I also feel like I've been so caught up in how I should be feeling about all of this, that I haven't really allowed myself to feel how I'm actually feeling.

The biggest thing I have learned in social work is that no feeling is bad. It's okay to feel however you feel, there is no wrong way.

Sometimes though, I'm too practical to just let myself feel. And that's the mode I'm definitely in right now. 

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