My Fort

I just made a fort! A freaking fort! I don't "make" things very often and when I do, I rarely pull it off (for instance, I tried to make an omelet this morning...it did not turn out well). But I made a fort! It's not the best fort, and really, it looks kinda weird and kind of seems to throw off the "feng shui" of the room, but whatever. It's still a fort.

This is the second fort I've ever made. My first fort ever was made with a wonderful friend. I told her I hadn't ever made a fort. Normally, people say, "Really?! Wow. You should get on that." And then we drop the subject. She did kind of say that, but she also made an attempt to get me to build one. She and I made a fort together and it was a freaking awesome fort. Because of the placement of that fort, it had like two extra little hide outs within it and it had plenty of room.

This fort isn't really like that. It's in a corner and isn't very big and looks more like a "restricted area", but whatever.

The plan is to get some pillows and blankets, maybe some lights, and make it a cozy little area. It's going to be my own super safe and confined place. The place I can go for refuge, or for extra positivity. I'm starting to put things on the lower part of the wall, so they are at eye level when I sit down that are encouraging or uplifting. It's the place where I'll go when I'm upset or hurting, a place to rejuvenate.

I always try to make my room that way too, but there's still something about making even part of my room strictly this way.

Hurray for forts!

Cool Friends

Today was one of those days where I needed someone to talk to. I wanted/needed to share about my day. I wanted to hash out some of the things from today with someone. My feelings, thoughts, the happenings. And while I hate saying this and I hate when it's said to/about me, but all of the people who I would love to be real with are too busy. I don't dare tell them that, and I know they would try to listen, best they could, because I actually do have awesome friends. But I know exactly what they're doing and have on their plate.

So, here we are.

I walked in the office at 8:45. Today, I had to tell someone I was disappointed in them and they need to get their act together really soon. Then, I had to hear about how a daughter feels like her mom blames her for everything wrong. After that, I had to fill out a Food Stamps application for someone who wasn't able to do it themselves. I then had 9 voice mails, 4 of them from the same person (all within 24 hours), all five people telling me that they are homeless. I had ten minutes for lunch, and then had a walk in client. That person recently got kicked out of their house. I had another drop in client, introduced to me by the counselor. They were engaged and had nothing but each other. I called the person back who had left four voice mails. They were living out of their car and decided they didn't like me and even though wanted help, didn't want it from me. I called another person and gave them every resource I had on shelters. Then I remembered I had play therapy group in 2 minutes and then hung out with six boys for an hour and a half. I left the office at 5:45. It was pouring rain and wicked foggy, so I didn't get home until 6:45.

I also had a spreadsheet to work on, but I didn't have the right information because they weren't my clients. It was just sent to me because I know how to get work done. But the person's whose work it was, was wicked upset that it was given to me.

One of the clients heard an employee talk smack about them. The employee was speaking in another language and assumed the client couldn't understand them.

It wasn't a bad day. It was actually good. It was fulfilling, busy, and productive. I know I helped a lot of people today. I know people walked in hopeless and walked out with a little more hope. I know I did a good job today and I enjoyed it. I don't need to vent, I just need to be real and reflect with someone. I just have friends who are also doing awesome things and as such, are sometimes a little difficult to talk to in terms of timing.

Maybe I just need friends that aren't very cool, for days like this...=) 

TAN

I've come to realize that my beliefs are what drove me, engaged me, had me wholly love people, inspired me. Essentially, they defined me. Losing those meant losing my core, my foundation. My entire being had been rocked. 

I had my reasons for leaving those beliefs. But what took me by the most surprise was what kept me from returning to them. They weren't the same reasons for why I turned my back. I figured out the answers (almost) to my reasons for my disbelief in everything a few months ago. I thought that would then lead me back to my beliefs, considering that's where the answers pointed to. Unfortunately, what happened was there was then a whole new set of issues that arose, issues I wasn't even aware of until I thought I had figured out everything about my disbelief. It was hard enough having to deal with disbelief in everything I knew. It has been ten times harder battling the new struggles that arose. 

It was like every time I tried to think about it, confront it, talk about it, I got worn out. So, I didn't. 

I hate that I've lost my drive and my ability to really love. And I know that it's my faith in Christ and relationship with Him that did those things. And I know I can't do this alone. I know I need to share and trust. 

There have been three songs that I've been hooked on. 

"Worn" -Tenth Avenue North

"The Struggle" -Tenth Avenue North

"Grace" -Tenth Avenue North

Too Real

October is always a rough month, and this October was no exception. But this past week was what was really bad. I had major freak out moments, but didn't tell anyone. I finally texted my dear friend who has known me since we were 8 and 9 years old. All I essentially said was that I was having a a major freak out moment. But she knew me well enough, to know that it's rare that I have freak out moments that are so big I can't logically combat them myself. And she also knows that if they are the point of me sharing it, it's a big deal and I wasn't being dramatic (well, maybe I was). Needless to say, she sprung into action, best she could being 1200 miles away.

The other night I had to get out of bed and write on my mirror three things:

• Respect yourself
• Love yourself
• Be kind to yourself

Because, guess what I haven't been doing? Respecting myself, loving myself, or being kind to myself.

I'm struggling with where to go with this, because I've tried to be somewhat vulnerable in every post. But as far as this post goes, it leads to being too real. 

Being a Real Grown Up

I've learned something--adults don't have it all together. That is a profound thing for me. For awhile, that actually made me really uneasy. I didn't like that people didn't have a clear direction or still struggled with things. I didn't feel more at ease because "real adults", people in my life who I respected and revered and were legitimate adults, didn't know everything. It has taken me a long time to be "okay" with that, actually.

For most people, it does put them at ease that there are other people, particularly people who are older/wiser/etc, who are also struggling. I'm probably part of a small minority (maybe even by my lonesome) who was not comforted by that. I think I was so uneasy, because that really scared me. The idea that I would always struggle, that I would always want to give in to the "id", that I probably won't have it all together when I'm done with school really scared me.

Secretly, I was hoping that as soon as I graduated college/finished, as soon as I found an actual career, as soon as I either had a family or had my own legitimate life, suddenly life would be good. Not that my life is not good right now, it is. But, in the sense that I wouldn't be worried about things--life would be figured out...I would have it all together.

So hearing that people didn't have it all together scared me and made me uneasy. But, if you noticed that language in most of this, it was past tense. Because, I'm a little more okay with it now and actually do find it slightly comforting that adults don't have it all together.

Being a real grown up doesn't mean you have it all together. Arguably, being a real grown up means being willing to say you don't have it all together.

Challenge #2A

If you missed the original overview of the struggle--check it out here.

My second challenge to my faith was that there were so many great people who do great things who don't know Jesus. That really put a wedge in my faith in Jesus. I had so many awesome people in my life who did awesome things, who loved people and who wanted to do good things for the world. Beyond that, almost a separate issue, was that I saw non-Christians being even kinder and more loving than Christians. I was challenged by that and really, I was confused by that. I see so many good people in the world doing good things. I was surrounded by non-Christians who were sincerely kind and wonderful. People who didn't know Jesus, but loved people.

Growing up, I had always heard that your life radically changes when you meet Jesus. I was confused because I saw people changing without Jesus. On one hand, that's really awesome that people are doing great things. On the other, it led to the question of...What is the actual purpose/reason of Jesus? People who don't have a personal relationship with Jesus still radically love, still fully forgive.

And, it kind of seemed like those who didn't know Jesus were almost "more noble" because when they did kind things or cared about people, they didn't have any ulterior motives like they wanted that person saved or whatever terminology you want to use. They just did a nice thing because it was a nice thing. One of the hottest phrases in Christianity or "Christian-ese" is "planting a seed". Christians do a nice thing because it's a nice thing, but to also "plant a seed". Always another motive, and that bothered me.

It sounds odd, but I was challenged by the fact that there were so many good people in the world. I wondered what the actual purpose/reason of Jesus was.

Challenge #1A

First, check out the original post--The Heart of the Question

Going into my senior year of college, I wasn't prepared to meet the people that I did. By that time, I had thought I had already developed "enough" friendships that would last and wasn't really planning on really connecting with people that year. Sounds awful, I know. And it was awful. It was an awful plan, too. A plan that clearly backfired because I met some of the most phenomenal, life changing, challenging, and important friends that year.

My senior year of college, I was challenged a lot. I was challenged in ways I hadn't been challenged before. One person who challenged me a lot was a girl I met my last year at NAU. She didn't challenge me in a bad way, but she most certainly challenged my thoughts, my motives, my words, and my actions both knowingly and unknowingly. She and I have almost nothing in common. I think our list of commonalities is a total of like four things. We don't look anything alike, we don't have the same interests, we don't necessarily value the same things, we don't believe in the same things, we don't study the same things, we aren't from the same place. Despite all of that though, we got along really, really well. And somehow, we developed a solid friendship, one where we trusted each other and talked about real things. Out of all of the people in my life my senior year, I think I valued her opinion the most. I valued what she thought, about me and about the world. I trusted her with myself.

We had a lot of conversations, especially about the concept of God. She was the first person ever in my life to really present a logical case to me that not only is possible that He may not exist--but that if He doesn't exist, that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Every other person and every other argument I had ever heard said "God may not exist, and that would suck".

When I was deciding whether to commit my life to Christ or not, I remember basically thinking that that would mean that I am in. All in, completely, 100%. I was accepting Christ and all that He stood for as Truth. And that, if there were 100 things and 99 were true and 1 was false, that would shatter everything. I'm too logical and I'm not about to pick and choose what parts I think are true and what parts are not. It was like a true/false question. It can be almost all right, but if any part of the statement was wrong, the entire thing was false. I knew that if I were ever challenged, I would not be able to just ignore the challenge. I knew I would have to investigate and discern what was what. Throughout most of my life, I was able to do that fairly easily. I was able to listen to people and explain things in a way that made sense. Not until this girl came along was I challenged in a way that I didn't think was possible.

I don't think she thought I was taking her seriously the afternoon we talked and she brought up this idea. But I was. I have been wrestling with this idea for the past few months. When I was 16, I struggled and questioned God's character. I didn't understand suffering or evil. All I knew was that it happened and it sucked. But I had never seriously questioned God's existence. I grew up in church world. And my roots are in the Baptist church (where you don't question anything. Not to knock the Baptists, but really, it was discouraged to question God.) My friend couldn't believe that I hadn't ever questioned His existence. Me, the girl who is "logical to the point of recklessness" and whose logic gets her into trouble countless times, never questioned the fundamental aspect of her beliefs. I wondered, but I didn't question.

So back to the challenge--What if God doesn't exist? What if that's not a bad thing?

Admittedly, I don't think I would have really thought as much about it if that question came from anyone else but her. But they came from someone who I valued and trusted and admired. And besides, she gave me a good argument. No matter what the topic is, no matter how strongly I am for or against something--if I am presented with a logical argument and reasonable ideas as to why I may be wrong or why something/someone else is right, I will consider it. And if I find the other person's findings more reasonable or more logical, I will begin to alter myself to align with logic.

So these questions scared the bejeezus out of me. The thought that God may not exist never really scared me, but the addition of, "..what if it's not bad that there isn't a God" DID scare me. She and I kind of came to one conclusion--that if there isn't a God then Christianity and all that it is doesn't matter at all, but if there is a God, then it's the most important thing in the world. (I don't remember exactly, but I think it was something like that.)

This has quickly gotten very long, so I'll try to wrap it up...

I think I'm almost able to respond to these questions. Not fully, and not quite yet. But almost.

What do you think? Does God exist? Are there gods that exist? Is it a good/bad thing if He does? Doesn't?