Tuesday, November 11, 2014

A Problem That You Have Had

Is it a cop out to say it's been a problem for me to write a post for this? Yeah...I'm thinking so.

A current problem is that I get embarrassed super easily. I do anything I can to not draw attention to myself if I'm somewhere unless that's the goal. Take right now for instance, I'm at a coffee shop. I have my laptop, my journal, my Bible, my headphones, and some coffee. If I get briefly distracted for a few seconds, I look at my phone, I open a new tab, and someone walks behind me, that's enough to send me over the edge. Not like someone is coming up to me, but just, walking past me, walking anywhere in the vicinity of they can see what I'm doing. Talk about needing privacy, I'm ridiculous. (Sidenote, is it ironic that I'm putting this on a public website? It's different though.) It's not even like I'm procrastinating on anything...I have nothing to procrastinate on!

I also hate taking pictures with my phone. I pretty much refuse to take any selfies. Even texting, I hate doing that in front of people. I will never answer the phone in public (or really anywhere, read almost anything about introverts).

I think a large part is because I always (always, all the time, by everyone, even if you only see me for 4.3 seconds walking by), I always want people to know me as the diligent, hard worker, who is focused. It might be more than that.

And that leads me to my other/similar problem of not allowing myself have fun. I think that's why when I'm in Pinterest, Facebook, BuzzFeed, any social media site in public I feel ridiculous/embarrassed (none of those tabs are open PS.) It goes into the category where I judge myself but not anyone else. I have been looking at where I've been spending my money a lot these past few months. The amount going towards "fun things" are fast food restaurant places to grab a super quick bite to eat, sometimes with people. Other than "fun food", nothing in the past 5 weeks. 100% of my paycheck either went to savings, car payment, rent, utilities, and gas. I've become obsessed with saving, but not in the good way. And I tell myself I have fun by paying for Netflix (oh yeah, that goes in the list) and getting more than one meal a day.

This coffee shop trip? I've been planning for over three weeks. I have 1 1/2 hours that I get to be here. And I bought one coffee.

I didn't even realize I had a problem. But um...I think I have a problem. 

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