Something I Feel Strongly About

Let's make a list of some possibilities. The funny, the serious, the profound.

I feel strongly about....

• Having matching socks. 
• I refuse to wear socks that don't match. I take the time after each load of laundry to lay them all out and match them. 
• Not defining a person by what they have.
• Autistic child versus a child who has autism. 
• Who Jesus is. 
• Refer to just about any other post...
• How great Disney is. 
• Um, it's awesome. And I hate the things that try to say Disney is corrupting childhood or Disney is bad or Disney is anything less than awesome. 
• Not wearing brown and black together. 
• Seriously, it doesn't match. 
• Using we/us language in a relationship. 
• Rather than me/I. It's about us, it's about a partnership. 
• Existence of rape culture.
• It exists, it's real, and it's awful. A study found that when people meet someone from online/Tinder, women's biggest fear is that they will be physically harmed. Men's biggest fear is that their date will be fat. What the hell?!?! Every single freaking time I would go out somewhere, someone would always make me give all the details until I...well, moved to Kansas, because then no one cared about me when I first got here. Truth. 
• Being clean. 
• I'm pretty messy, but I am not dirty. Some people think I am obsessed...I beg to differ. 
• Google being the best search engine ever. 
• Um, it is. I love Google. 
• Always paying your rent/mortgage first. 
• First. Like, before anything else. 
• The idea of grace. 
• It's beautiful and real and lovely. 
• Rules. 
• I am kind of a rule follower. I think rules exist for a purpose. 
• Jaywalking. 
• Don't do it. I'm so against jaywalking. Partially because of rules. But also because I am from a city where people die often from jaywalking. If there's a crosswalk within a reasonable distance, freaking use it. If there isn't a crosswalk, wait until there aren't any cars. No driver should ever be concerned about hitting someone who is walking. Ever. There should be more crosswalks, I agree. And sometimes it's not convenient, but use some empathy and think of you crossing the street from the driver's perspective. 
• Making lists.
• Obviously, I love them. 
• Agape love.
• That's been discussed here before. Unconditional. Even if. 
• How awesome The Lion King is.
• Holla. 
• The importance of reading.
• Being illiterate isn't cool. Reading transforms a person, increases empathy, introduces you to new ideas, new ways of life, new ways of thinking. Reading engages the mind, body, and spirit. Reading helps with just about everything in your life. 
• Senior Exit Project from high school.
• We had to do an SEP and I'm like the one nerd who loved it and thinks it's like the coolest idea ever...We had to pick a potential career, shadow someone in it for a certain number of hours, write a paper, do a mock interview, give a presentation, and some other things, I think. It gives you an idea of what you do/don't want to do and it gives you practice of doing important job like things...like refining your writing skills, interviewing, presenting...
• Taking finals.
• They are the worst and I hate them. Seriously, if I already earned whatever grade I have after 14 weeks of school, I've already (hopefully) proven it to you. Finals are stupid and just extra nonsense stress. I loved when teachers gave us an optional final, that makes sense to me. Or finals that can't hurt your grade....finals are just terrible and I am willing to advocate against them. 
• Importance of homework.
• On the flip side, I love the idea of homework. Busy work is stupid, but legitimate homework is worthwhile. Practicing and learning things is great. 
• America.
• I can direct you to other posts if you'd like. 
• The necessity of vulnerability. 
• Also, has been discussed before. 
• The importance of having a solid role model. 
• Have a mentor or mentors who push you, guide you, encourage you, love you, and hold you accountable. 
• The influence of the people you surround yourself with.
• Research is leaning towards the concept of we are the combination of the five people we spend the most time with. I have people write down two adjectives for each of the five persons and those ten words are likely how people see yo. 
• Using critical thinking skills. 
• So important. Don't just look at the surface level of anything, look deeper, question. Be critical! 
• Not asking dumb questions. 
• There is such thing as a dumb question. And if you ask me one, I will likely point it out. 
• Always smelling good. 
• I love when people tell me I smell good or my area (office/room/home) smells good. Smelling bad is just the worst, almost worse than finals! 
• Making showering a priority. 
• This partially goes with the cleaning thing, although that I was more referring to Clorox and stuff..It's like that meme that says, "Motivation doesn't last...neither does bathing, that's why we recommend it daily."
• Being a disciple of Christ. 
• I want to be Christ like. I want to exude who Christ is. 
• My relationship with Christ. 
• Whole purpose of this blog, really. It's real, it's raw, I struggle, I question, I doubt. This is my core, though. 
• Excelling. 
• I want and choose to excel in all I do. I don't want to just be. I want to be awesome. 

So, these are things I care about. Usually I won't engage in serious discussion, but most of these you'll realize how much I care about them within the first week of knowing me. This is like my top list of things I'm passionate about, will discuss, and have a strong opinion on. 

It would take me a loooong time to write about all of them, and really, I have written and/or mentioned most of these. If there's any of these in particular you want to hear about, lemme know. Actually, I will go ahead and go back and briefly write a blurb, about each one. Although, since I have this at the end, that probably means you already read the blurbs, so now you just get to see my whole thought process=)

Five Ways to Win My Heart

I kind of like "win my heart", as if it's up for battle. To win, one must work hard for it, be determined, be skilled, be passionate, be persistent, be in pursuit.
And like with all "winnings", one must constantly defend the honor of the title. Once you win, you have to keep winning. It's not a "won and done" deal.

Two questions need to be addressed:

Is my heart worth winning?

Can I better serve, can I better love, can I better mentor, can I better teach, can I better grow...Essentially, can I do life better with this partnership? 

1. If someone answers "yes", that my heart is worth winning, and can share why, that's one way to win my heart. 
2. Show me that we're better together than not.
3. Be wholly in love with Jesus. 
4. Know my friends and the people in my life. And vice versa, allow me to know yours.
5. Hold me accountable. Even when it's hard. Don't let me bully you.

Journal Challenge

I'm going to start this journal challenge. Not sure if I'll be able to keep consistent with one a day, so some days may be none, some may be more than one, etc. I'm constantly wanting to work on my emotional awareness, my vulnerability, my inter/intrapersonal effectiveness, etc. I don't want to ever stop challenging myself, pushing myself, or stop growing. 

Cooking

I hate cooking. Not only do  I hate it, but I also have no interest in doing it. It's not fun for me and it's definitely not relaxing. It's stressful and time consuming. This is how much I don't like it--I don't even care about home cooked meals. Even if someone else is cooking for me. I'd so much rather go out. I remember when I was first in college and people would say they missed two things:
1. Home cooked meals.
2. Their bed.

Well, I had had my bed since I was 9, so it was pretty small and uncomfortable, and I had so few home cooked meals, all I missed were Eegees. Needless to say, I didn't understand nor did I agree with what the other freshmen were saying.

It wasn't really a big deal, I could play off my hatred/apathy (can those co-exist?) for cooking while I was working for the Department of Residence Life, since i lived in a room that the was the size of a prison cell and there was one tiny kitchen to share with several hundred other people. But once grad school started, I moved into a house, and I was suddenly expected to be the domestic woman who could cook at least a three course meal..society gave me the kindness of not putting the expectation of having a five course meal completed until I was 24..oh wait..

So I've actually started to think about what it is about cooking. Because not only do I just not enjoy it, I have like this...strong refusal to do it. I've come up with a few things, actually. And it's been helpful...because it's not about the event (cooking), it's about the issues..

1. Shame

People's responses have almost always been shameful. Unintended, I'm sure. Out of kindness, most likely. But what they were, were shaming.
When you ask me "jokingly" what I cooked, all I feel is shame, not humor.
When you make snide remarks, all I feel is shame.
When you bring up cooking in every conversation, all I feel is shame.
When you ask, "When will you ever cook for me?", shame.
When you say, "Ashley will cook! Oh wait...", shame.

When it's just once or twice, it's not that big of a deal. But when it's over and over again, it just gets wadded up in a big ball of shame. And that, compiled with the other issues, makes it really hard.

I need to get out of this shame and feel kindness before I am ever willing to cook with or for you.

2. Perfection

I'm a bit of a perfectionist..not like how the average person is a perfectionist, but to that weird extreme that's unnatural and unhealthy. One of my favorite compliments is when people tell me how much I am like Leslie Knope (re: Parks and Rec..if you haven't seen it, nevermind). Part of being able to "perfect being a perfectionist" is by doing things you're good at, and then being really good at them.

And if you actually want to do something, you do it, and do it well. You figure it out. Always. So if I actually really decide I'm in on this whole cooking thing, I gotta go all in and I gotta be willing to commit the time.

3. Not enough

Not enough of enough. I'm not good enough to cook. I don't have enough time to cook. I don't have enough money. I don't have enough understanding of a recipe. I don't have enough of the cooking essential. Etc.

Mainly, the first one (not good enough, see the first 3 points) and the second (not enough time). Seriously--that's not a lie or an exaggeration. Currently, I have a full time job with about a 45 minute commute each way. I also have a part time job on evenings and weekends. I am also taking a class, 3 hours a week, for 14 weeks. Story of my life, really. This is how it has always been for me, go, go, go.

My best friend visited a couple of weeks ago, and we planned to cook. She is one of the few (one of two people, really--the other being my mom) that I would be willing to cook with. On the second to last night, she's like, "Holy cow, I knew you were busy, but I didn't realize actually how busy you were until now. We haven't even had time to talk about cooking, much less plan a meal, go shopping, prep it...we have hardly had time to eat, there's been so much we have been doing!"

Right. I know, that's my point. I used to think not having enough time was an excuse, you make time, you find time. But seriously, I hardly have time to go to the bathroom, much less take the time to prep a meal and eat it. Combine that with I hate it and don't know how to, you can start to get the picture..

4. Independence 

Now, you can totally argue that by cooking more, you are more independent. And I agree with that, for whoever makes that point. But it's not my point, that's not "for me". See, I've grown up with two working parents. Both parents worked full time, my whole life. My parents were super busy. Most of our meals were eating out.

But, when I say eating out, I'm not talking fast food. (Unless we were on the way to soccer practice--ironic, I know). Mom would usually meet us at On the Border, or Appleebees, or Texas Roadhouse, or Olive Garden after work. We ate at restaurants. A lot of restaurants. Yes, usually chain ones. The point was though, my parents made enough money so that we could. So my view is this: I would rather spend an extra hour at work and get paid and then use that money to buy a meal. You like to cook, then cook. I like to work, so I work. I work, I get paid, I can spend the money on delicious food and all I have to do is order. I feel more independent that way, because I equate my independence with working, not with domestication. I don't disagree or think someone is wrong for like domestic things, it's just not me. That's my point. 

Fast Car

I have surely heard this song before in my life, but I just recently heard it on the radio this past weekend. All I could think of was how beautiful it was. The melody, the lyrics, it was soothing in a way. 

I think I have finally figured out why Mondays are so hard for me (other than the obvious reason that Mondays just suck for everyone). How I am in the mornings, is how I am all day on Mondays. Kinda grumpy and don't talk to anyone.

I don't do transitions well, I need time to prep..
And when I have a weekend of living my lifestyle and then going to work and seeing a totally different way of living, it takes me the whole day to transition and understand. I debated writing that, because I sound like a jerk and a snob, but there it is.

And then Tuesday-Friday, I am focused and attentive and understanding. But Mondays, it's rough. My brain doesn't switch that quickly.

Now, I'm not making that much money. I compared my salary to the federal poverty line...I'm not too far from it, myself. But I'm not part of this cycle, and I recognize that and I understand that even though my salary isn't much more than theirs (which is a whole other discussion, because I have my master's, 3-4 degrees more than the average client of mine does), I have a huge, huge safety net and surrounded by those who can and will always help me. I actually have zero fear of ever being homeless, because of this safety net.

Sometimes, I need things described to me in different ways, multiple times, on a consistent basis. I work with those who are living at/below the poverty line. Essentially, not just people struggling, but the "poorest of the poor".

I met with someone the other day. They are over 50 years old and they said, "I just got my first apartment. I'm working on building my credit. I didn't have bad credit, I just didn't have any, because I had never heard of it before. I always paid in cash and that's how everyone in my life paid for things."

Four people out of the...almost 100? people I have worked with have ever even heard of a budget/spending plan and of those four, two of them had actually created one before.

I could go on, but that isn't even the focus of this writing.

It's this song. Ever since I heard it, I've been hooked. It helps me understand. Because it is easy to blame and shame those who don't have much. It's easy for me to do that, and I'm a social worker. I forget that the people in front of me are real. I forget that this is their life. I forget that they probably didn't dream of being a doctor or a lawyer or an astronaut. I forget that almost every single one of them is part of the generational cycle of poverty. I forget that they often don't feel like "someone". And when I forget, I start to blame and get apathetic.

So when Tuesdays roll around, and I listen to this song, I'm more motivated to make each person who I encounter "feel like someone". I always want to give hope. I always want them to walk out of my office feeling better than when they came in. 

One year

The night of July 23/morning of July 24 (around 4:30am) one year ago is when I incurred my concussion. The last month or so, I've been trying to calm my body down. It's like it knows what happened and that it's the "anniversary". I haven't been sleeping as great, getting a little more "on edge", and just feeling like...tense about it.The night just like..invades my thoughts. I've been trying to figure out how to prepare, because the date has just been ingrained into my head.

Tonight, I'm having major flashbacks. I keep replaying last year in my head over and over and over again. This isn't the first time I've had these, but they are more "real" this time. It's just like recurring, all the time.

It doesn't help that tonight started the same way. Last year, I got home exhausted on July 23 and crashed as soon as I got home, around 7pm. And then woke up a few hours later. And then went back to bed and then woke up again at 4:30am, sweaty and disoriented, barely made it to the kitchen, where I passed out unconscious and knocked my head and got a severe mTBI.

Tonight, July 23, I got home and fell asleep by 7:30pm. It's almost 10 and I just woke up. It's like the exact same thing and it's scaring me. I'm in the same house, in the same bed, same room. No one is home. Just like last year. I probably should have asked to stay with someone or someone to stay with me tonight. Because I'm terrified, right now. I don't want to be here, right now. And I'm crying. And I'm sweating.

I've set up a bunch of water in my room and I'll get more, just in case. And I turned the air down. And I've texted a few people just saying hey, it's been a year i'm having some flashbacks, basically. I'm hoping all of those things will help. And I'm writing about it, here. It's helping. (Ha, one of my best friends just texted me ":( maybe try writing about it?") They know me well.

Spark KU

I was having lunch with a friend of mine on Friday and she told me about an event later that evening called Spark KU. As soon as she told me I was like this sounds awesome, I want to go.

This event had applied to be an independent TED talk--yeah. It got denied, so called it Spark. And that's essentially what it was--it was like a mini TED conference and it was awesome.

There were 7 speakers and the KU a capella group (Genuine Imitation). I took copious notes and just want to type them up here so I have them elsewhere than my messy notebook.

Dan Deeble--Pastor at Heartland Community Church

• Started with a story of his 6 year old daughter asked a lot of questions about church/God
• To doubt, to ask questions, to grapple is so important
• A great learner begins with doubts
• "If a man will begin with certainties he will end in doubts; but if he is content to begin with doubts, he will end in certainties" -Francis Bacon
• Good doubt v. bad doubt
• Good doubt
• Is humble
• Asks questions
• Is vulnerable
• Is intellectually curious
• Allows for mystery
• Where the spark begins
• Bad doubt
• Is prideful
• Is closed off
• Makes statements
• Is calloused
• Demands certainty
• Is superior
• Is cynical
• "It's okay to be exactly where you are, but not okay to stay there"
• To remove doubt
• Make a doubt list
• Find someone to share your doubts with
• Doubt your doubt
• Practice your doubt

Riddhiman Das--PhD candidate in Biometrics

• Born in 1990 in India
• Wrote his own programming code, started 3 companies, worked at Google, and Facebook
• Technologist of the year
• UMKC--computer science, math, entrepreneurship
• "I had many things taken away from me, I still made it...so can you."

Amy Long--Greek Life, Associate Director

• Moved from Iowa-->Oregon-->KS
• Invest in yourself and experiences
• Build relationships, be vulnerable
• What are the little opportunities I can say yes to in order to grow, shape myself, etc. so that when the big ones come I can say yes to that
• Stretch myself
• What opportunities should I take a risk on?
• "If someone offers you an amazing opportunity and you're not sure you can do it, say yes--then learn how to do it later." -Richard Brason
• When someone is willing to take a chance on me, believes in me, I need to be willing to say yes

Dan Low--MFA, current KU Student #THENEWMYTHOLOGY

• Human beings are a special kind of being because we question how to be
• Want to fulfill potential, transform into how we can be
• Social media--digital entity that relies solely on user

Cody Charles--Academic Enrichment Program for OMA, Associate Director 

• Started with "How did I make it?"--grew up poor, southern Baptist, in a shack
• Mom left him when he was 7, was bullied, shamed, wanted to disappear
• "Angels", people who influenced him
• "You can go to college" --Teacher
• "I saw that and it's not okay" --Spoke when he couldn't
• "You belong here", Introduced to staff, helped him become part of a community. --RA

Curtis Marsh--KU Info

• Everyone is a juggler
• Used prop of juggling (switching hands)
• People ask about 300 questions/day to KU Info
• Don't judge people for their questions
• Seek an answer for any and all questions (even the ones that seem ridiculous)
• Take on perspective
• Get people to do what you want them to do because they believe in you and where you are going
• Lead by creative buy in
• Perspective and balance
• Where are you coming from? How did you get here? Where are you going?

Dr. Shane Lopez--Lead Researcher at Gallup

• 70% of Americans hate their jobs (Newspaper heading)
• Reality: hate=not engaged
• Health is worse if you hate your job
• Researched people who loved their jobs
• It is my responsibility to find a job that is a good job for me
• When we make things, we love things more
• Time spent, people engaged, feeling like you matter
• Test drive the future
• Trust your gut
• Play to your strengths
• Craft your job
• Shop for the right boss
• Individualizes to me
• Wants to inspire me
• Sets high standards and doesn't compromise on them