Blessed With A Burden

When I work with the "at risk" students...the ones who have been given up on in the past, the ones who have had over 70 office referrals (no lie), the ones who aren't given the new books, the ones who haven't ever been outside of a 20 mile radius from their home, the ones who don't have a lot of positive peer role models, the ones who are "wild" and "break rules/laws" all the time, the ones destined for jail/juvie, the ones that can't be trusted, the ones who are failing.

I feel like I'm doing something. I love these students. When I'm with them, when I work on earning their respect, when I start to see things from their point of view, when I get to prepare for my time with them, when I get to listen to them, when I get to teach them, I get overjoyed. Over the moon.

Over spring break I got to go to Alabama and see five schools in the Montgomery public school district that were heart breaking. There were more security guards than custodial staff. The last time they bought new books was over 10 years ago. A lot of the teachers had already given up on them. No one knew how to "deal with them". There were metal detectors to get into the school, there were random lock downs just because, there were broken windows, there was little hope. Real schools, in America, public schools. 96% Black/African American. 98% on free/reduced lunch. Just trying to shuffle them through.

I've been thinking a lot about my life, my decisions for the future, what I want to do..you know, the usual thoughts when graduation is looming.

And I still don't have a definitive answer. But I know two things that I didn't know.
1. I don't have to pick a career and stay in the exact same area my entire life. My degree provides me with flexibility. That doesn't mean I'm indecisive or stupid.

2. I used to want something else. My perspective has shifted, my heart has shifted, my desires have changed. I didn't want to be near the line. I wanted to be in the arena, in the circle of social work/counseling/mental health. But I wanted to work with the...ones who weren't "at risk". And that may very well still be true. But I really like working with those who don't have much of anything, as well as the ones who feel like they don't have anything. Slowly, I wanted to start to toe the line and bridge the gap between middle class and working class. And then I ended up building it for myself and crossing it.

Maybe I'll hate it. Maybe it'll just a little bit of time that I'm doing this, and that's fine. My family is probably going to wonder why. My parents will probably say, "We knew it all along". Some people might think I'm wasting my talents. Others may think it just proves I don't have talent.

Because status is heightened when you make money. And if you don't make money,  you're not important. That's what I've learned growing up in middle class America. And social workers don't make a whole lot of money. Especially the ones who work with "at risk" anything.

I kind of hate social work because it's ruining my life plans. You know, the ones of having the high status job, with the hunky husband, adorable kids, raking in the dough, and being good at everything, and inspiring people.

On a related note, this is one of my favorite songs. And Demi Lovato is great. I'd endorse her. 

I guess if I can only have one right now. It'd be inspiring people. That's my decision, I realized this week. 

Burn Out

My teacher sent out a burn out quiz--basically seeing where you are on the burn out scale. It had 5 sections, the first being you're fine, second, you're on the road... third, be careful, fourth, you're at burnout, and fifth, you're going to like die, change something.

Okay, so the fifth was where I scored.

That was last week. Then, I got through the week. And I've had a few days "off". And now, I'm getting overwhelmed again. And I am not productive when I am overwhelmed. Instead, I ruminate over thoughts, I make lots of unhelpful lists, I start a lot of things and don't finish them, I get irritable, I retreat..

All I really want to do--what I crave and desire--is to just be by myself. Preferably for like two solid months, but that's not going to happen. I am such an introvert, especially when stressed.

But then again, my track record for getting through rough times has been 100% thus far, so that's pretty good.

Also, just a few more weeks.

Then. I'll be 23. With a master's degree. With a license. (Oh yeah, I took and passed my licensure exam this past weekend. I didn't really tell anyone.)

And I didn't take any short cuts.
I started college with 0 credits. And graduated in 4 years with 2 separate majors and 1 minor--no overlapping classes for any of them.
I started graduate school with 0 credits. And went through half of it with a severe brain injury.

And am now a qualified mental health professional. I have letters after my name.

But these aren't things I've ever really been proud of.. I have never really felt like it's a big deal, this is just how it is. This was easy for me. Not to say I didn't struggle--look at the beginning of the post. I definitely get burned out, I definitely struggle, I definitely have moments of auugafjaijfaoifjeoifeioruopqurpoqij  and just want to give up. And I'm not done, I still have a few more weeks until graduation (May 16!). But I've never actually, truly, legitimately doubted my ability to do any of those things. I just..do them.

When people tell me they're proud of me, I just kind of look at them, say thanks, because that's the polite thing to do, and then move on.

And that's what I've been thinking about a lot. Because I've recently realized I haven't really challenged myself. Maybe this is partially hindsight bias, and I look back and think "I knew I was going to accomplish this, pass that test, get into that school, etc" since those are all true. But when I don't truly know what the outcome will be and I actually care, I don't do it. I don't try. I can't even think of one instance right now where I've done that. That'll be my homework--think of things I've done to challenge myself in my life.

The great thing is that the things I am good at look good to the world, and they seem sort of hard, so it always looks like I'm pushing myself.
And again. They were hard. I'm not saying my journey and choices have been easy. I'm just saying I always knew I could do them.

Never Say Never

First of all, I love the song "Never Say Never" by Justin Bieber and Jaden Smith. No matter what I think about Justin Bieber, I have always and will always love Will Smith, so by association, Jaden Smith. But also, I just love this song, no matter who the artist is.

Anyways, that doesn't really have anything to do with here. But I was thinking about the word "obviously" and so often when we use it, we use it to point out, well, what we think is the obvious.
But rarely is something actually obvious.

Obviously, it's not obvious.
Which reminded me of "never say never"...hence the song (I also try to do all that I can to incorporate music into my life, for fun, not because it's like a secret passion or talent). Anyways, I want to coin the phrase "Obviously, it's not obvious" or something cool like the effect of "never say never".

A Message

I sent the following to my roommates (I'm changing/tweaking some for safety sake)..And I'm putting it here because I think part of it is important for people to read. And this is where part of my community is.

I have something else I want to write about as far as the actual situation from the other night, like of what actually happened in my room when it was just me and the girl, I was pretty quiet on when we had our roommate discussion. And while I shared most of my internal dialogue and thoughts with one of my roommates when she and I talked about it 1:1, I didn't say all of it, but I think..I think I do want to tell you all. Because it's so easy to see this situation in hindsight and it's easier to forget about some of the things that I'm going to bring up because I was pretty calm and not very reactive or defensive. And I think because of my reaction to the situation, it's easy to not make as big of a deal out of it..

But I really want you all to know this part and really think about this, try to get rid of hindsight for it and imagine this scene:
You're sleeping in your bed at your home. It's dark outside so no real light at all in the room, very dark, 5 in the morning. Your bed is on one side of the room, door and lightswitch on another. You hear your door open. You hear pee. You don't know if it's the dog (although sounded like too much pee from a little dog), one of your roommates, someone you know, someone safe, someone dangerous, male, female, young, old, someone who just wandered in the house, if they're in the bathroom and it just sounds loud, if it's raining, if it's a dream, etc.

Anyways, I didn't know what to do, because I was in the vulnerable position of lying down in a bed, away from the door. I slowly put on my glasses and saw an outlined figure of a person who appeared to be female but not like anyone I knew. I heard pants moving, and I didn't know if they were going up or down.

So that's the situation that I woke up to. Seriously, try to imagine that. And while I had several thoughts going through my head, I tried to be extremely rational about it. But other thoughts also came into my head, because I also had to keep my safety in mind.

And fearing that you're about to be violated in your safe place is one of the worst fears ever. And that happened with me.

Through RA trainings, through crisis intervention trainings, through experiencing crisis situations, I was pretty prepared and I knew what to do for the most part and amy pretty good at knowing how to keep myself safe.

But that fear and thought should not have happened to me. And my safe place, and safety and security are completely violated. Because in hindsight, it seems silly and not a big deal. But at the time, it was very real. And for me, recognizing that reality that it could happen, that someone could come into my room and do something to me is something I now have to deal with.

And as the night went on and through conversation, she touched a lot of my stuff. A lot. And if a person was drunk enough to pee in a bedroom, not know their name, or who they were, and they were touching my things...it's very possible that they could have done something to me because they were so out of control and out of touch of their actions.

So as my roommates and people who I need to have care about me, I had to tell you that.

Also, from the safety perspective. I think I really should have called 911 still even after I knew she knew someone in the house, because if she's too drunk to know where she lives or know her name, she likely needed medical attention. And I'm so glad she woke up and it sounds like was coherent and alive and well, but when we were trying to think of other options other than our house--I think the hospital needs to be the option.

Crisis Intervention

I was telling my roommate about one of the most bizarre things that has ever happened in my life (and probably yours)...like one of the stories where if I told you, you wouldn't believe me/one of those stories that you just can't make up.

And she said, "You can really see your RA training right there. That plus all of your other crisis intervention trainings made it actually best case scenario that it happened to you and not anyone else."

Although the calmness did backfire because my other roommate said, "I had no idea what was going on. But I heard you talking to someone but you sounded so calm and normal, just a little loud." (It happened at my house.)

And my other roommate said, "I finally got up because it was getting loud, but you didn't have any distress in your voice so I didn't actually think anything was wrong."


I texted some of my closest friends, because I just couldn't understand what had happened.
Of the four this is exactly what happened:

Me (time, 5am): I just woke up from a sound sleep. Wanna know why? Because I heard peeing. Loud peeing. Then I hear keys rattling. I see an outline of a tall figure. I turn on the light. I see a random human who just peed in my bedroom."

Friend 1: You're joking!
Friend 2: No f*ing way.
Friend 3: WTF?
Friend 4: (calls me). Um...what!? (Which she repeats for about 3 minutes.) Just...what!?

My response: No joke. Real life. I'm also not exaggerating.

So anyways, yes I did crisis intervention with a random person (turned out to be a friend of a friend of a friend) who I had never met, never seen, never heard of, who was extremelyyyyy drunk in my bedroom at 5 in the morning.

Can you just imagine this with me?
You're sleeping in your bed at your home. Your bed is on one side of the room, door and lightswitch on another. You hear pee. You don't know if it's the dog (although sounded like too much pee from a little dog), one of your roommates, someone you know, someone safe, someone dangerous, male, female, etc. And honestly, if a person was drunk enough to pee in a bedroom, not know their name, or who they were, and they were touching my things...it's very possible that they could have done something to me because they were so out of control and out of touch of their actions.

Because that's the scene. And I had to make it so the situation was the person by my bed and me by the door (safety!!!), lights on, and get enough information out of a drunk person as possible.

I did it so successfully that none of the roommates came to the rescue, because they thought I was just fine.

Basically, here's what happened, as far as the conversation goes:

Me: Do you know (name of roommates)?
Person: No..(female voice)
Me: Do you know anyone in this house?
Person: No..
Me: Do you know who you are?
Person: Yes, (tells me her name).
Me: Okay, let's go ahead and turn the lights on.
Person: No, keep them off.
Me: I think it'll be better if we turn them on.
Person: I just need to go to the bathroom
Me: Okay, perfect. Let's get you to the bathroom. (turn on flashlight on my phone, confirm female, young, drunk, pee from them)
(Person starts walking to the left, so I also walk to the left to ensure distance between us, and that can get me to the door)
Me: Let's go to the bathroom. It's right here.
Person: No, I'll just stay here.
Me: I think we should go to the bathroom.
(Now at the doorway, so I can turn on the light)
Me: Let's go to the bathroom.
(Person starts touching all my stuff)
Me: Hey, do you still need to go to the bathroom?
Person: No, I'm from adrenaline and I want a job.
Me: Okay, but first we need to go to the bathroom.
Person: So no job?
Me: Not right now. Bathroom right now. And I'm going to call 911 while we go to the bathroom.
Person: Call the police? Okay.
Me: Cool, and let's go to the bathroom.

Then I hear my name from downstairs from a familiar voice (FV).
Me: Do you know this person?
FV: Oh my gosh, yes, I'll be right there.
--and then they drag them out.

And then I clean up the pee. And then it is suggested I use this bleach stuff. I didn't think it was a good idea, but this person is better at cleaning than I am. I trusted their judgment. It was 5:30 in the morning. They said it should be fine. It wasn't. Now I have a bleach stain on my carpet. And we're trying to figure out who should pay for it.
Me? (It's in my room)
The roommate who suggested to use bleach?
The roommate who brought the person over to the house?

Crisis situations don't really scare me, largely because of my RA training, mixed with crisis intervention trainings, being trained in mental health first aid, and I have been faced with similar situations when I was an RA, though none quite so...invasive. But also, when you're an RA in a residence hall, you sort of can expect this. When you're at your home in your room, not so much.

I'm pretty good at being calm when I need to be, and in general know what to say and how to calm a person and gain control of a situation. And luckily I was able to do it last night. But looking back, some of those what if questions can definitely be haunting. And it does feel kind of violating. My space was violated and in a sense, so was my security.

But now. Somehow it's become my fault and my responsibility to fix the mess (literally and figuratively) and now I'm just getting mad. 

America is Beautiful

I love America, right? Right.

I also love people. So I need to sort out my thoughts to this whole coke commercial thing.

So I didn't get to see it on TV and the only thing I have heard about it is from people in response to the backlash. So personally, I have not seen any backlash to it (other than when people screenshot things, I guess.) All I've heard is people say how dumb people are for causing the backlash.

I think, perhaps a better response in this case would be to do 1 of 2 things.
1. Ignore the backlash. Not always a good option, in this case, it may be.
2. Simply respond with love. When you talk about the coke commercial, talk about how great it is (if that's your opinion) instead of how stupid people are for their response to it.

Because I haven't actually heard anyone say that the coke commercial is beautiful (actually I have heard 1 person). With the exception of the one, I haven't heard anyone say:
-Wow, America is beautiful.
-Wow, America is wonderful.
-Wow, this commercial really highlights the incredible diversity in the country.
-Holy geeze, this commercial is one of the greatest pieces of advertisements I have ever seen.
-Now this is what is representative of my values.
-I love this!
-*Tears*
-Coke wins.

I had to go and find the coke commercial on my own to know what people were talking about it. Because no one posted it. (Again, within the last few minutes 1 person finally did.) If you love this commercial and/or the product, help promote it. Post it. Share it. Talk the good things about the product/commercial. Not any of the bad repercussions. Not worth it.

To me, this commercial is worth it. I love it. Because above, those are my thoughts and immediate responses.

Also, edit update---CNN just posted a poll of "what do you think about the coke commercial, does it offend you or not? And every comment I read (I only went through about 100 of them) said no. So seriously, talk about the good things in this case. I'm over that debate and I just want to talk about how awesome I think this commercial is. (Although, I am willing to agree and point out that our national anthem is the Star Spangled Banner, not America the Beautiful, but you know what, a patriotic song is a patriotic song, they both talk about the beauty and glory of America.)

I need help adding to my list, just like I did with my adulting one!! Help me out.

Reasons why I love America:
1. Everyone has a voice.
2. I can vote.
3. You can vote.
4. I can wear what I want.
5. It's huge.
6. I can go to school.


Behind the scenes:

Also, the coke commercial reminds me of this. Another thing I love. 

Chris Tomlin, World Edition. 

Blue Like Jazz

I checked out books from the library. I think I'm going to bring these lists in with me next time and get these books:

http://sarahbessey.com/in-which-i-share-10-books-that-changed-my-faith/

http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinlarosa/books-that-will-change-the-way-you-see-the-world?bfpi

I saw the book Blue Like Jazz and remembered it being on the list. Because it's a library book, I can't write in it. So I just typed out quotes I liked for me to reference later. It's hard to describe this book, it's unlike any book I've ever read. 

"Somehow I had come to believe that because a person is in need, they are candidates for sympathy, not just charity. It was not that I wanted to buy her groceries, the government was already doing that. I wanted to by her dignity. And yet, by judging her, I was the one taking her dignity away....I love to give to charity, but I don't want to be charity. This is why I have so much trouble with grace."

"If we hear, in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her. This is not the voice of God. God woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love."

"Stop ten people on the street and ask them what they think of when they hear the word Christianity, and they will give you ten different answers. How could I defend a term that means ten different things to ten different people? I told the radio show host that I would rather talk about Jesus and how I came to believe Jesus exists and that he likes me."

"I listened to hard because it felt like, while she was telling me stories, she was massaging my soul, letting me know I was not alone, that I will never have to be alone, that there are friends and family and churches and coffee shops. I was not going to be cast into space."

"I think a person who is lonely should dig into a community, give himself to a community, humble  himself before his friends, initiate community, teach people to care for each other, love each other....Jesus wants us interacting, eating together, laughing together, praying together."

"The real issue in the Christian community was that it was conditional. You were loved, but if you had questions, questions about whether the Bible was true or whether America was a good country or whether last week's sermon was good, you were not so loved."