Saturday, March 1, 2014

A Message

I sent the following to my roommates (I'm changing/tweaking some for safety sake)..And I'm putting it here because I think part of it is important for people to read. And this is where part of my community is.

I have something else I want to write about as far as the actual situation from the other night, like of what actually happened in my room when it was just me and the girl, I was pretty quiet on when we had our roommate discussion. And while I shared most of my internal dialogue and thoughts with one of my roommates when she and I talked about it 1:1, I didn't say all of it, but I think..I think I do want to tell you all. Because it's so easy to see this situation in hindsight and it's easier to forget about some of the things that I'm going to bring up because I was pretty calm and not very reactive or defensive. And I think because of my reaction to the situation, it's easy to not make as big of a deal out of it..

But I really want you all to know this part and really think about this, try to get rid of hindsight for it and imagine this scene:
You're sleeping in your bed at your home. It's dark outside so no real light at all in the room, very dark, 5 in the morning. Your bed is on one side of the room, door and lightswitch on another. You hear your door open. You hear pee. You don't know if it's the dog (although sounded like too much pee from a little dog), one of your roommates, someone you know, someone safe, someone dangerous, male, female, young, old, someone who just wandered in the house, if they're in the bathroom and it just sounds loud, if it's raining, if it's a dream, etc.

Anyways, I didn't know what to do, because I was in the vulnerable position of lying down in a bed, away from the door. I slowly put on my glasses and saw an outlined figure of a person who appeared to be female but not like anyone I knew. I heard pants moving, and I didn't know if they were going up or down.

So that's the situation that I woke up to. Seriously, try to imagine that. And while I had several thoughts going through my head, I tried to be extremely rational about it. But other thoughts also came into my head, because I also had to keep my safety in mind.

And fearing that you're about to be violated in your safe place is one of the worst fears ever. And that happened with me.

Through RA trainings, through crisis intervention trainings, through experiencing crisis situations, I was pretty prepared and I knew what to do for the most part and amy pretty good at knowing how to keep myself safe.

But that fear and thought should not have happened to me. And my safe place, and safety and security are completely violated. Because in hindsight, it seems silly and not a big deal. But at the time, it was very real. And for me, recognizing that reality that it could happen, that someone could come into my room and do something to me is something I now have to deal with.

And as the night went on and through conversation, she touched a lot of my stuff. A lot. And if a person was drunk enough to pee in a bedroom, not know their name, or who they were, and they were touching my's very possible that they could have done something to me because they were so out of control and out of touch of their actions.

So as my roommates and people who I need to have care about me, I had to tell you that.

Also, from the safety perspective. I think I really should have called 911 still even after I knew she knew someone in the house, because if she's too drunk to know where she lives or know her name, she likely needed medical attention. And I'm so glad she woke up and it sounds like was coherent and alive and well, but when we were trying to think of other options other than our house--I think the hospital needs to be the option.

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