Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Burn Out

My teacher sent out a burn out quiz--basically seeing where you are on the burn out scale. It had 5 sections, the first being you're fine, second, you're on the road... third, be careful, fourth, you're at burnout, and fifth, you're going to like die, change something.

Okay, so the fifth was where I scored.

That was last week. Then, I got through the week. And I've had a few days "off". And now, I'm getting overwhelmed again. And I am not productive when I am overwhelmed. Instead, I ruminate over thoughts, I make lots of unhelpful lists, I start a lot of things and don't finish them, I get irritable, I retreat..

All I really want to do--what I crave and desire--is to just be by myself. Preferably for like two solid months, but that's not going to happen. I am such an introvert, especially when stressed.

But then again, my track record for getting through rough times has been 100% thus far, so that's pretty good.

Also, just a few more weeks.

Then. I'll be 23. With a master's degree. With a license. (Oh yeah, I took and passed my licensure exam this past weekend. I didn't really tell anyone.)

And I didn't take any short cuts.
I started college with 0 credits. And graduated in 4 years with 2 separate majors and 1 minor--no overlapping classes for any of them.
I started graduate school with 0 credits. And went through half of it with a severe brain injury.

And am now a qualified mental health professional. I have letters after my name.

But these aren't things I've ever really been proud of.. I have never really felt like it's a big deal, this is just how it is. This was easy for me. Not to say I didn't struggle--look at the beginning of the post. I definitely get burned out, I definitely struggle, I definitely have moments of auugafjaijfaoifjeoifeioruopqurpoqij  and just want to give up. And I'm not done, I still have a few more weeks until graduation (May 16!). But I've never actually, truly, legitimately doubted my ability to do any of those things. I just..do them.

When people tell me they're proud of me, I just kind of look at them, say thanks, because that's the polite thing to do, and then move on.

And that's what I've been thinking about a lot. Because I've recently realized I haven't really challenged myself. Maybe this is partially hindsight bias, and I look back and think "I knew I was going to accomplish this, pass that test, get into that school, etc" since those are all true. But when I don't truly know what the outcome will be and I actually care, I don't do it. I don't try. I can't even think of one instance right now where I've done that. That'll be my homework--think of things I've done to challenge myself in my life.

The great thing is that the things I am good at look good to the world, and they seem sort of hard, so it always looks like I'm pushing myself.
And again. They were hard. I'm not saying my journey and choices have been easy. I'm just saying I always knew I could do them.

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