I remember when I was in an interracial relationship and it was the first time I ever felt uncomfortable in the middle of the day. Not because of him, not because of us being together, not because of our relationship. But because it was the first time I indirectly experienced the discomfort that my black boyfriend felt. I didn't experience it in the same way; I didn't experience it any other way other than being a privileged white person. I don't say that in a demeaning way about those of us who are white, it's just something I've come to really learn--white people are privileged and that was my first actual exposure to truly experiencing white privilege. And it was so uncomfortable.
It's uncomfortable to recognize that so much of the world thinks you actually are better than the person's hand you're holding because you're white. It's uncomfortable to recognize that so much of the world make immediate assumptions about your relationship, you, and your partner. It's uncomfortable to get unwanted attention because there are only two of you at a table, and you two don't look the same. It's uncomfortable standing in line and having people give sneering gestures. It's uncomfortable to recognize that the world isn't always wonderful and great and kind. It's uncomfortable to be put face to face with your own privilege. A lot of things were uncomfortable that literally never occurred to me when he and I talked about formally dating. All I knew was that I liked him and he liked me.
When we would go out, heads turned. And not because we were a good looking couple (I mean, maybe that was part of it 😀), but you could start to hear the whispers, seeing the raised eyebrows, the puzzled faces (I have face blindness, and even I could tell). I don't even remember experiencing gossip in high school (then again, I'm typically completely oblivious to things), and I hadn't ever really experienced this idea of people disapproving of something I'm doing.
I had people ask me why I'm dating someone who is black (number 1 question, for sure). I had people be significantly more concerned with his skin color than the content of his character. I had people straight up tell me how much they disapproved and how I wasn't doing the right thing. I had people invite me to something and say he shouldn't come.
I was confused, but not about my feelings--I knew I wasn't in the wrong. I knew that I was dating a phenomenal guy who loved Jesus and cared about me. I was so confused about the dissonance I was experiencing that people are good, the world is good, and yet, people are kind of mean, rude, and judgy. Where did all of these people come from?!? Where did these beliefs come from?! Many of these questions came from people in my life, most of them who I would never think to describe as "racist". Some of them came from strangers. I was just so confused with the upfront confrontation of my worldview and what was actually happening.
I think some of it really did come from people not having a ton of exposure to interracial relationships, but I really couldn't get over the looks we got, the whisperings around us, the direct comments, and the overall discomfort.
I'm re-reading this and I'm thinking good gravy you have a lot of privilege...maybe tone it down. But that's the point. I have a ton of privilege and I'm going to use that to drive home the point that for the love of all that is holy, BLACK LIVES MATTER.
I am not better than him because I'm white. I was better than him at making jokes up. He was better than me when it came to running. We were better in normal relational ways, not because of our race. But neither of us were colorblind, neither of us dismissed the experiences the other had. The difference is that I hadn't ever experienced racial comments and he had. I hadn't ever experienced so many things that I had than when we were dating and I haven't ever since we broke up. I only experienced those things because I was dating someone who was black.
I already believed he mattered before these experiences. What I didn't understand is that white privilege is a real thing. What I didn't understand is that there is an actual difference in how people are treated depending on their skin color. I don't know what/how he experienced (in) the relationship, with the exceptions of having some discussions. I don't know about the experience of being someone of color. I don't think I needed to be in that relationship to learn those things, and I don't even think I'd say that I learned these while in the relationship. This experience helped me, but I didn't need it to grasp the fact that BLACK LIVES MATTER. It wasn't his responsibility to teach me that.
One of my biggest regrets in my life (I'm a person of many regrets, by the way) is that I was too uncomfortable to really have too many conversations with him about it. (By the way, that's another example of white privilege.) I was a newbie at so many things with him and I am HORRENDOUSLY AWFUL at vulnerability. We had some conversations, but with the information that I have now, and from what I've learned since about white privilege, I know I could have done so much more.
I remember how utterly sad I was when people who were important in my life weren't glad that I was dating him, who they would ecstatic about if he was white. I was so sad. I experienced so much discomfort, confusion, conflict, sadness, and cognitive dissonance. And I think a lot of people experienced the same when they saw us together. When you see an interracial couple, you're immediately confronted with your own beliefs and thoughts. And everyone processed it differently.
I did see many people (slowly) come around to the idea that maybe he did matter, even though he was black. I saw some people come around to it (slowly) solely because they cared about me and at the time, that was enough for them to start to reshape their thinking.
Friends, black lives matter. And it's a really uncomfortable journey to process through confusing feelings, cognitive dissonances, hurts, belief systems. But it's so worth it. It's so worth the discomfort to come to the beautiful and holy conclusion that black lives matter. I got to see some people start on that journey. Talk to people in grace and truth and humility. It takes a lot of uncomfortable conversations and a lot of vulnerability and hard feelings to feel. Wade through it, find safe people to process through, and with some dialectical thinking, start thinking about the idea that black lives matter.
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