I have been struggling with some things and started really journaling about it. I acknowledged where I was at. And it led to the question of who I wanted to be and more importantly, it led to open dialogue with God. Below is an excerpt from my journal, a written document of prayer. It's what is leading towards restoration that I didn't even realize I needed. I also just heard this song for the first time ("Holy One" by Rush of Fools):
I am His daughter and He loves me through it all. Through it all, He loves me. Ashley, Jesus loves you, and is there for you. He desires you, He died for you. He is your purpose. He is your rest, He is your light.
Ashley, my beautiful daughter. You're chasing the world again. That's why you're tired. My loved one, abide in me. Let me be your strength, your core. It's not about what you can do but what I can do in you. I love you, always. I know you love me. Trust in me. I won't ever let you go.
What if you do let me go? What if I get too caught up? What if I doubt too much? What if I ask too many questions?
Oh, Ashley. Sweet one. You know all of these answers. Romans 8:38-39: "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
You are Lord. I am. You are God. I am. You are worthy. I am. You are what I want to pursue. I am. You are good. I am. You are my purpose. I am. You are the I AM. I am. You love me, always. I do. You gently call me out and extend mercy. I do. What I want is who you are. Galatians 5:22: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."
Ephesians 3:17b-19: "And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ. And to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."
Ashley, I know you love me. I know your heart. I know you more than you know yourself. And I love you so much more than you can ever know. You are my child and I'm never letting you go. Your name is written in my book. You are so worthy, so cherished. You are never alone, you are never forgotten. Nothing you can do can unravel the love I have for you. Even if, even when. Fill it in however you need and the answer remains. I am the Lord your God and I love you. Neverending grace, neverending truth. The God Almighty, the Great I AM chooses you over and over and over and over again. Always and forever, you are mine.
Forever and ever, I am yours. I struggle, I doubt, I fight, I give up, I give in. And you still lift me up, hold me, love me, choose me. You will never forsake me. You will never leave me. You will never let me go. You are the I AM.
I am still going to struggle. I know. Why do I have so many questions? Because I made you smart. Why do you love me so? Because I do. You and the entire world, all of creation, I love. Don't ever give up on people. And when you do, come to me. That includes when you give up on yourself. Find your strength in me. I'll always restore you. I won't leave you dry. Place your confidence in me. I love you so much, my child. Forever and ever; always and infinity. I am yours and you are mine.
I am loved. Father, I am loved by you. My fear is gone, I am set free. 'Cause I am your child and that's all that matters.
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