Mad With Integrity

The other day I was really frustrated with someone. I texted my best friend "I. Do. Not. Like. [NAME]." My best friend called me later and was like, "Soo...what happened? You're not generally a mean person and don't just sit around thinking how much you don't like someone, so I'm assuming something in particular happened." 

And before I go into this story, 1-I am so grateful to have someone I can text that to and trust they won't think I'm a horrible person or that I'm mean or being overly dramatic. 2-I am so grateful that they can help me focus on the current situation at hand. 3-I am so grateful that I don't typically get consumed by my feelings in a way that I'd be someone that would just sit and think about how much I don't like someone. 

Anyways, so I tell them the situation and while I don't remember the specifics of the conversation, I know I didn't leave the conversation feeling more riled up. I remember feeling justified, validated, grateful, and humbled. 

So besides the fact that I have a great best friend that has learned to converse with me in a way that is helpful, I was thinking about my frustration toward this particular person and started reflecting. While I am convinced that I'm right,  I am also convinced that they deserve to be treated with dignity. That I can feel angry, hurt, mad, frustrated with them (it's an ongoing feeling with this person), it's also possible to feel all of those with integrity. It's not always quite as fulfilling at the moment, but it's more worthwhile. 

So while I may still text or tell my safe people my frustrations/anger/hurt/discontent and maybe explicitly directed at a particular person or situation, I want to keep learning how to feel those things while still honoring them. Ultimately, it's because of my relationship with Christ that rolls over and anchors me. He anchors me to stay rooted in grace, patience, love, peace, goodness. 

It doesn't mean I can't be mad or upset or hurt or angry. Feelings are so important. And I want to have those feelings while maintaining my integrity. I may fall apart or come unglued with my safe people, but I don't want to take part in gossip, rumors, or hurtfulness. And sometimes it's hard when someone is nonsensical and it can be justified to partake in those things. But it's not the right thing to do. Maintain your integrity. And when you lose it, give yourself some grace.