Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Your Opinion About Your Body and How Comfortable You Are With It

This one is getting deep! I could write the gist of things...but I'll be real, because that's what I'm learning to do. Most of this, I don't think I've ever really verbalized..or written out..

There is the rare day that I can look in the mirror and think I can look attractive. Every so often, I think my abs are in good shape. My face looks good, my hair looks good. But those days are few and far between. Like maybe 7 times a year kind of thing.

Usually, I will avoid mirrors at all costs. Not because of any kind of superstition, but because I don't like the way I look. Or if a picture is being taken, I won't look at it on the camera. You will rarely see me look in a mirror as I pass by it. Even when washing my hands, I try to keep my head down. I'm trying to get better at it, forcing myself to look in a mirror if it's there (like washing hands). And if I look at a picture after it's been taken, that means I'm making progress.

Most people say it's because I don't care about the way I look and I let people think that. It's not true though. I do care. I care a lot. And when someone says I don't care, I take that to mean (confirm) that I actually don't look good.

I rarely wear make-up, not because of the fact that I'm good with my skin or whatever, but for the very same reason as to why most people do wear make up. I've been thinking about doing a make-up challenge (ironically enough, I just read something about this today), and haven't yet. I'm slowly getting there...

It's the same reason as to why I wear soccer shorts more often than cute, stylish shorts.

I also go through times where...eating is hard. And I rationalize it. I did tell someone about that, because they were struggling with the same thing. We knew what we were doing wasn't good, but it made sense to us. It was something we could control. There was the control piece, there was the time piece (I had more time to do other things if I didn't spend it eating), there was the financial piece (eating is expensive)...those were bigger things than the calorie/weight thing..
Now, before you start thinking "oh my gosh, Ashley has an eating disorder" I can tell you, no, I don't. It sounds like it, the way I worded it, but I don't/didn't. I don't meet the criteria...however, I do recognize the..not goodness of not eating. So now, when it comes up and I battle between to eat or to not, I usually choose to eat.

This is kind of what I touched on a little bit with the pop music thing--I love it, but sometimes I can't listen to it because it just makes me feel bad about my body.

I still constantly struggle with comparison, with judgment, with shame. It's been a long process and a hard process to be good with my body. Even saying the phrase "my body" rattles me...

I love the song "Try".

I figured I should probably add some pictures, to show I'm trying!

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