Oh my gosh, I haven't written anything hardly at all this year!! I've been reading my old posts over the last few months and have reflected on my growth (and sometimes, setbacks) and then I just noticed I never shared here what my 2022 word of the year was (is)!
Every year for the last several years, I do a word of the year instead of specific "new years resolutions". For 2022, it's ALIGNMENT.
Originally, the word was going to be “connection”. But alignment is a broader term and can encompass connection. When we align our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with the agency, with the program, and with our values, we can also ensure we are properly connected to others.
Alignment within myself, with my values, with work, and in all that I do. I had done a full PPT presentation for my department at the beginning of the year focusing on this word, as I had done with the other prior two years during my (essentially) three-year tenure as a Director where I previously worked at. I loved doing those presentations--the "State of the Unions" that focused on the word of the year!
Having the word "alignment" has helped me anchor and reflect throughout the year on what I do and how I interact with people. It helps me check myself and see where I've grown and where I need to keep growing. I've done a lot of self-reflection and made a lot of changes this last year.
Alignment defined:
Position of agreement or alliance
Arranging in correct or appropriate relative positions
Identification/matching behavior, thoughts, etc of another
Integration or harmonization of practices within a group
There is a song that I heard for the first time this past week--"Deep Dive" by SEU Worship and I am totally hooked.
You don't want a surface relationship
You want more than this
Take me on a deep dive, deep dive into Your heart
Show me every detail, unveil all that You are
Oh, I don't want a surface relationship
Show me what's breaking Your heart
Even if it messes me up
'Cause I don't want to know You in part
I wanna know You, really know You
Those are the particular lyrics that really stand out to me. The holy God wants us to really know Him. Going beyond a surface relationship is intimate. I wrote about that in 2016. That continues to be one of the most standout things about being a Christ follower--that Christianity is about a God who comes to meet His people, rather than people having to figure out how to please God. And that He doesn't want us to just check boxes, or just do things "just because", or to even just "be good people". God wants an intimate relationship with each of us. And He invites each and every one of us and allows us to choose. Only by going deeper, do we better connect.
The other part that really sticks out is the "show me what's breaking Your heart, even if it messes me up". I've been thinking about so many things that are facing the Church and the world and I keep coming back to having a heart for God and a heart for people. And that God is bigger than every single thing in this world and I have been finding great comfort in that. And there are things I used to hold tightly onto and I'm learning that as I keep getting to know God, I learn that there are things that break His heart and it kind of messes up my thoughts. Over and over and over and over and over again, in all things, with all people, I keep coming to the anchor of having a heart for God and for people. That means. Love God. Love people. All people. Always. Forever. That includes every marginalized community. That includes every nation, every tribe, every tongue. God is so much bigger than us. And I continue to recognize and belive how much His heart breaks for so many people. And we, as the Church, should be stepping up and showing up.
I continue to come to the conclusion that there is nobody, in any circumstance, that can't be saved. The Gospel is offered to anyone and everyone. Yes, even them. Even now. The more I connect to Christ, the more I see how much His heart is for people and He wants all of us to know the Goodness of Him.
The Gospel isn't meant to chain us down or to limit what we can do in the world. It's meant to allow us to have an intimate relationship with the Creator. And what that means in our "earthly" beliefs, or politics, or decisions, or actions, or behaviors, or thoughts might look a little different for different people. As long as. It's anchored in Christ.
Stay anchored in Christ and have a heart for people. As I continue to do those things, my beliefs shift. I realize that I don't know is an honest answer for a lot of things. I also realize that it's not that I don't have a rock-solid foundation of beliefs--I just have built it all on the foundation of who God is. So then, with all my other beliefs--I (interestingly) actually become much more open.
As long as it doesn't take me away from the heart of Jesus, I follow science, I follow research, I follow logic, and rational thoughts. And I shift, I grow, I learn. I listen, I engage, I read. I find safe people to talk through controversial topics with or to dialogue about confusing things or to talk about different perspectives. And I have found that the more I do that, the more I come back to: my heart is for Jesus and for people.
And there are a lot of topics that the Bible isn't always super clear on--some may debate that, but the point is, if it can be debated, it's probably not super clear. But what the Bible IS clear on is that as Christ followers we are to show the following:
Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. -Galatians 5:22
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. -1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Pick any topic, any issue, and what I know for sure is that I'm supposed to do is be as reflective of those fruits and of that definition of love as I can be. And, I certainly don't always get it right. But I want to be a person where people can feel safe to have questions and wrestlings and confusion. Because I also have questions and wrestlings and confusion. Where you are, I want to meet you there. And I want you so desperately to know the heart of Jesus and have your own relationship with Him.
Conviction and compassion; truth and grace. It's the both/and world, not either/or. And for someone who historically thinks in right/wrong, black/white, either/or. It's been a journey. And. I don't always get it right--I really can't emphasize that enough! But I'm committed to lessening the frequency and duration of getting it wrong.
A few weeks ago, I got to curl up on a couch with a Pumpkin Spice Latte and talk with another leader who is wholly in love with Jesus. We were able to talk about the importance of genuineness, and authenticity, and how to navigate the tensions with "conviction and compassion". We talked about staying curious and maturing and growing in our relationship with Christ. We talked about striving to be healthy rather than perfect and what those differences are. We talked about the nuances that exist in the world and navigating the nuance and the gray with love and grace, while also staying anchored in the truth of the gospel. We talked about the importance of being in the "both/and" rather than the "either/or". We talked about the weight of leadership.
As a Church, we need to be recognizing and navigating the nuances of the world. And responding with conviction and compassion; staying anchored in Christ and having a heart for people. I'm so convinced that Jesus died for everyone and invites everyone into a relationship with Him. And that word "everyone" is just as inclusive as it sounds. What that specific relationship then looks like, may look different for different people. As long as what's made super clear (such as the fruits of the Spirit and what love looks like) and the belief that Jesus died and rose again isn't being distorted; I think the table is big enough for all who accept Jesus as their Savior. No matter who you are, what else you may believe, or how else you identify.
As I take deeper dives into the Word and get more intimate with God--my heart becomes more and more for Jesus and for people. And I keep seeing how much bigger God is than I am.
The other day I was thinking about my life and I realized that I still wouldn't be surprised if I ended up in a village in Africa. (*That's how this blog got started--spending time in villages with Africa.) As much as I want to be in corporate life, and I think I could add a lot of good to it, I think I'm most content getting to know people and investing in people's lives. And Africa is such a diverse, interesting, humbling continent. I'm not necessarily explicitly looking to go there. Just that I wouldn't be surprised. And that sounds so much better than a multi-million dollar home--I know, I can't actually believe that I'm saying that, but I realized it was true. My best days are when I'm investing in people and connecting to other people--really getting to know them. When I'm closer to God. When I'm in alignment with the Holy Spirit and display the fruits of the Spirit--those are my best days. And even if this is all for not, even if Jesus isn't real, though I'm convinced He is, it's a great way to live. And for that, I'm so thankful. What I know is that Jesus loves and desires and yearns for people. Therefore, so do I.
*Sometimes, I get embarrassed about my mission trip to Africa and I had to really dig deep as to why and realized that it's primarily because of the stigma of overseas mission trips. And that sometimes it's hard to actually share how much I really do believe in Jesus and what He did on the cross.
For me, going to Africa was truly life changing. That's where I actually learned that God is bigger than the God of America. That's where I actually learned that to love God is to love people. That's where I learned that God speaks every language and how small I am (in a humbling way) for only knowing one language. That's where I learned that the entire Bible is actually relevant, not just the New Testament. And I darn well better get to know it. That's where I actually learned that people are God's heart. It's where I learned that it's not about my education, my credentials, my salary (or what I wanted to have as a salary, since I was still in college at the time). It's where I learned that life is about people. Connecting to people. Getting to know them. Investing in them. It's where I learned that it's important to know the people you are talking to; learn about them; talk to them and use an interpreter if you have to. Those in the villages that we visited LOVED having us there. And the group I was with didn't just come and go--the organization was connected to locals. They've now focused their mission into one country (Uganda; I had gone to South Africa). If I go back to Africa, or any "overseas" (outside of North America) mission trip or live somewhere else longterm, it's to learn, to invest, to connect. And it's not to force my beliefs on others, because I'm so convinced that free will and people's own decisions to choose for themselves is part of the heart of Jesus. Nothing about healthy relationships should be forced.
I'm so convinced that while I love America, there is so much more to the world. My time in Africa taught me that God loves people so much more than I could ever fathom. Going there made me realize my privilege and my training as a social worker has taught me how to better use my privelege. I never felt like we were "better than them" (which is I think largely where the stigma comes from?); rather I felt so humbled and grateful that they were willing to teach us, to connect with us, to learn from us. I learned so much from those that we met. I learned so much about the country. I learned so much about God.
I believe that black lives matter because how much I believe God loves people. We were the only white people in the villages that we visited and I remember being confused about how excited they were that white people were visiting them and when we had real conversations, we had to lift the veil that we were special because we were white--we weren't. We were in their home (literally, we went into people's homes). They were special. What we were was grateful. They were so full of joy, pride, humility, gratitude, brilliance, kindness, triumph, heartbreak, questions, connections. I loved learning and connecting and it's been over ten years since I've been there and I remember how amazed I was at learning how great and big our God is. And with the combination of my experience and knowledge since then, and all that's happened in America since then, again and again I say, people are God's heart. I've started thinking about politics different, about my stance on things differently, about what I believe and why differently--for so many things I go to the root of "does this reflect what I believe about God?" And I've changed my mind about some things, I've become firmer in other things, and I continuously re-evaluate other things.
To clarify. I still love America. I still only speak English. I'm not ashamed of being white, but I recognize that I have privilege with my skin color. I don't actually like to travel and don't necessarily have a desire to travel to hundreds of countries. But I so love the world and am so grateful there are people who have that desire or people who can speak multiple languages.
So don't be too surprised or upset if I end up deciding to live in a village in Africa or somewhere else outside of America 😁
More and more I've been thinking about how much I want people to consider the possibility that the resurrection story is real. Strip away the way that God and Christianity are portrayed or what you may currently think of it. At the core, the belief that there is a God who loves us and desires a relationship with us.
What if it were true that there is a good God who is just, merciful, holy, full of grace, and loving? And what if it were true that Jesus willingly died on the cross and rose again and willingly took our shame, fear, and doubts? What if the resurrection story were real?
There's A LOT to unpack regarding logic, faith, beliefs, etc and we can totally dive into that. But for now, just start with this--
Are you willing to:
1. Consider the possibility that it COULD be real (not necessarily accept that it is).
2. If it were real, what might that mean?
As for me, I have made a decision that it is real and that it not only matters, it's the most important thing in the universe. For me, I want to continue to realize how radical His love is and how much it really does matter that He died and rose again. Sometimes, it can feel like "just a story". Other times, I believe it to be true, but not recognize how much it matters. But, oh God, does it matter. It matters that there is a God who loves us. It matters that there is a God who is just, merciful, holy, full of grace, loving, and seeking us. It matters that He pursues us and that He willingly took our shame, fear, and doubts and it matters that He gives us the freedom to choose. It matters that there is a God who is the I AM. Even with doubts, those can be dealt with and wrestled with and discussed. But first, consider the possibility that this could be true--then what might that mean?
Yesterday the song "Christ is Enough" came into my head during prayer and I went to get my headphones, journal, and Bible. I spent hours just praying and being with Christ.
I'm pulled into the depth of how much God loves us. How much He loves me and all of humanity. Desperately, fervently. Oh, how He loves us. Thank you, Lord. For loving, loving, loving, loving so earnestly. The cross before me, the world behind me. No turning back. Reading the book of Colossians, one of my favorites. So dearly loved and I am so grateful. I was struggling and God pulled me into Him and I always feel so much more steady when I'm abiding in Christ. His truth anchors me. Anchors me in grace, love, truth, holiness. I'm so convinced that God is good, that God is worthy, that God is just, merciful, and full of abounding forgiveness and grace. Thank god for that. The true joy found in Jesus is more than anything or anyone can offer. Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah. Christ has risen from the grave.
Earlier this month, after work, I spent an hour in my car in the parking lot, most of it crying. Like full-on sobbing, tears streaming down my face. Like my face, shirt, pants, and car seat were soaked. I also had Matthew West's "Truth Be Told" on repeat. Nothing had actually happened, it was actually a pretty good day; I think I was just feeling so burnt out and overwhelmed and stressed. I only told one person, and I said: I think that I just feel like I have to take on the weight of the world. I know I don't, and I've come far from where I was in that belief, but every now and then, it totally gets a hold of me. Like I just need to be reminded that nobody needs me to be perfect and that my worth isn't defined or dependent on my performance. That even when I feel like I'm failing, it doesn't actually mean I am. I almost didn't tell anyone and then was like Hold up, Ashley. Just share. You've been working at that. That person told me it sounded like I had done a good job at reminding myself and I was like "Oh gosh, you're right!" I also reached out to someone else and was essentially like Hey, can you just send me some encouraging words over the next few days. I just knew what I needed and I was glad I was able to ask them. Tremendous growth.
Also during my time of full-on sobbing, there was a moment when I tried to stop myself and "use my coping skills". And then I realized that I didn't need to use my coping skills. I wasn't do anything wrong or bad. That crying was okay and a good thing and that I realized that at that moment what I needed to do was to feel my feelings. I needed to let myself feel, not just cope through it and not just move on. So then I started crying again, probably even louder and wetter than the first time.
Lie number one you're supposed to have it all together
And when they ask how you're doing
Just smile and tell them, "Never better"
Lie number two everybody's life is perfect except yours
So keep your messes and your wounds and your secrets safe with you behind closed doors
Truth be told, the truth is never told
I say "I'm fine, yeah I'm fine, I'm fine, oh I'm fine, but I'm not"
I'm broken
The days following that breakdown (it was on a Tuesday), I was doing really well, and then something was said (on a Friday), and I totally started to melt again. My automatic thoughts of "not good enough' and "I can't do it" came in. I was able to quickly recognize them and in the situation that I needed to be in, I didn't use any sarcasm, and was able to show up and participate. And I was also like, "Oh, crap. These are definitely my triggers. I seriously need to redo my crisis plan." What a social worky thing to say!
Anyways, this was the week before I took a weeklong vacation, and the person I texted was the one I spent most of the vacation with. During vacation, I didn't give work a thought. And I realized (remembered?) that I'm just as worthy outside of work as I am at work. That my work doesn't define me, and I'm still whole. That I don't even need this job to be considered worthy. Again and again I have to be reminded that I am worthy, I am loved, I am free, I am whole. Regardless of my title, my status, my responsibilites. And I'm so grateful. I am so thankful for my own growth and so grateful to believe in and serve a God who loves me so desperately and draws me close. I am whole and enough and free.
I've also learned the song "Tell Me" By Carrollton and I'm obsessed.
Leading leaders is hard. Maybe scary is the right word. Heavy? Important? I'm not sure what the right word is, but the sentiment seems to be implied in those words--it's a big responsibility. When I first started in my role and formally leading official leaders by title, I was like...Oh, snap. This is real. This is real life. These are real career goals that I have an impact on. Real people with real education and real experience and they are looking to me and I'm supposed to lead them?
And then I zoomed out a little bit and started seeing everything that my team does and how it reflects leadership and that was another hefty dose of oh my geeze. I've come to recognize how much I love leadership and how much I love being part of people's growth. All three of my best friends semi-recently got promoted into more leadership roles and they all reached out to me and I was truly honored. I also realized that I hang out with leaders...now, being recognized by title, but all of my friends are true leaders. All of us thought we loved direct work in our respective industries...and we did, but then we found leadership and saw how much more of a difference we can make.
I took a screenshot from one of them that was just so nice that said: "All my fb friends are lovely but none of them display your level of insight when it comes to leadership". Is that not one of the nicest texts someone could send?!
Anyways, where all of this is coming from is not from the formal leadership titles. It's about developing leadership abilities in those who don't have (or don't want) a formal leadership title. To recognize that you don't need a title to be a leader. On my team, there are a few people that stand out as leaders and I've been trying to figure out how to really help develop them (preferably without losing them...) and how to grow that potential. I've started identifying some ways and kind of playing around with some ideas. And then tonight, I got an email from someone. The subject line was "Career growth question". In the email, they included that they are interested in learning and growing more and wanted to start to develop more career goals. I told them how proud I was of them and their growth and asked a couple of questions, which they answered thoughtfully, and then said "I honestly owe it all to you". I was about near tears. I've been mulling it more and more in my head that this is the responsibility of a leader--it's to develop other leaders. Whether formally or informally, for people to grow and develop and become leaders in some fashion.
When I called a couple of people and threw around some of my ideas and told them why I was reaching out to them--I could tell that it made a huge difference to them and they told me that it meant a lot to them. And the more I think about it, the more pressure I feel, and the more I need to reign it back in because it's heavy recognizing that so many people are looking at you and looking to you. Looking to you to guide them, to grow them, to have answers, to say it's okay to not have answers, to see how you respond and react. We often say that leadership is not for the faint of heart and that's no joke. I take the investment in people and leading leaders seriously.
A while ago, I sent this to one of my friends--switch out parenting to leadership and there you go!
