The Weight of Leadership

I stumbled upon this post that I wrote over six years ago about what I would want to do if I couldn't fail; if I were really dreaming. I wrote it before I graduated with my MSW. I wrote it before I had ever heard of the organization I have been working for. And I wrote it in the midst of my serious concussion.

I said I wanted to apply for a Ph.D. program, possibly in Organizational Psychology. I said I wanted to adjust systems to better serve people. I said I wanted to facilitate group therapy and do individual counseling.

I am currently ABD in a Ph.D. program that emphasizes Industrial/Organizational Psychology. I facilitated group therapy and have been an individual therapist. I have been a clinical supervisor in the case management program and am now the director and have much more of an opportunity to adjust systems to better serve people. 

I remember when I was in my MSW program and I was so torn between the two tracks we could choose from--clinical or administration. I chose clinical, but I always hoped I'd go more into administration. After doing direct service for a few years, I was able to move more into leadership. 

And I have found how much I love leadership. I absolutely love it and still get so scared of it at the same time. The weight of leadership gets so heavy sometimes. I often reflect on how important my role is as a leader--in such a different way than it was as a therapist. Being charged with guiding people; with supporting them and coaching them; holding others (and myself) accountable; setting appropriate boundaries and consistently modeling for people. With an understanding that people are watching me and listening to me; they see my actions and hear my words and they are being watched and heard much more closely than if I weren't a leader. In my new role, I'm charged with upholding the vision and mission for our department and with aligning it with our organization.

Being a true leader means taking the role of a leader seriously. It means laying yourself down for your team. It means choosing courage over comfort. It means having integrity in my words and actions. It means constant growth. It means failure. It means creating opportunities for growth for people. It means coaching people toward excellence, while not driving them toward unobtainable perfectionism.  It means setting a high bar and having high expectations and it means extending grace in conversations while not lowering the standard. It means creating a safe space for people and being trustworthy and honorable. It means being curious and seeking to build and create knowledge. It means wading through tumultuous waters and not leaving your team to fend for themselves. It means sacrificial, agape love. 

It means constantly wrestling with the question of what is a leader and growing with the answers. I feel the weight and I feel humbled. 

Family Bonding Time

I got to spend about five days with my extended family for my grandma’s 90th birthday, and it was one of the best weeks ever. I love my cousins more than I can say and am so proud of the people they are. Due to the distance (they live in the midwest and I live in the southwest), we don’t get to see each other much—I see them maybe every 5 years, maybe less. The last time I think we were all together was about 15 years ago or so, which may have added to the awesomeness of the week. 

My grandma turned 90 on January 3, 2019. The first party was on her birthday with the other women she quilts with. The second party was on January 5, where the “adults” took her out to a fancy restaurant and the cousins all stayed in for game night and Chinese food. The third party was on Saturday, which was a big family party—my parent’s cousins and aunt (grandma’s sister and nieces) came and I got to meet them for the first time and my parents got to reconnect with them. My grandma said it was the best three days of her life and really enjoyed it. Her smile and excitement was so good to see. 

Getting to see my aunts and uncles was so great, too. They all love each other so much, are lovingly sarcastic to one another, and were so dedicated to ensuring their mom (or mother in law) had a great time. 

My cousins though. I spent most of my time with my cousins. Two of them (twins) are going to be graduating high school this year and getting ready for college; one is 16 now and a junior; another has finished a mission trip and now a lawyer at a nonprofit; the other has two amazing little ones with her husband of six years. Every single one of them (kids included) are so flipping’ sweet, kind, generous, smart, dedicated, beautiful, humble, funny, and people I want to be like. I loved the parents my oldest cousin, Stephanie, and her husband, Rob, were. I loved the patience they displayed and the helpfulness they provided to each other, their kids, and the rest of us. Their kids were so good at communicating and became my little buddies. Steph had such genuine compassion for people. I loved the devotion and faith my second oldest cousin, Catie, had and her interest in people and knowing their stories. I loved the humor from Brenden and his facial expressions, the patience he demonstrated, and his thoughtfulness. I loved Lauren’s helpfulness, love for games, and her competitiveness that made games even more fun. And sweet Emily, I love the human being she is. Emily has such grace, humility, beauty, and was just so kind. I was immediately drawn to her heart and authenticity. 

When Emily lost a bunch of money when playing Life, she said “oh well” and moved on. This didn’t just happen once, it happened like four times. She handled disappointment in any game like a champ, and my uncle said she's like that in "real life" too. When playing Catan, she and Lauren (usually) made sure everyone got the resources they needed and didn’t try to sneak anything or just let someone miss their turn. The trustworthiness was so beautiful for me to watch. When anyone was going to get themselves a drink, they always asked if they could get something for someone else. Brendon put an extra Mountain Dew in a closer fridge for me, without my knowledge until I said I was going to get a drink. Steph helped people without being asked and was able to anticipate people's needs and meet them. She was so loving toward everyone and made every person she talked to feel special. Catie had such genuine interest and spent focused time with people. I didn't get many pictures because none of us really had our phones out. They are all people I want to be more like and want to be a good role model for. 

In a lot of ways, it was just games, it was just good people spending time together, it wasn't that big of a deal. It was a lot of small things that were woven together that displayed this beautiful picture of grace and kindness. And that's what made it so much greater and that much bigger of a deal. I'm trained to look at family dynamics and assess them quickly, I'm trained to observe people and their interactions with others. A healthy family dynamic is something I don't get to see quite as often in my line of work, but the vast differences is astounding. 

I could just feel myself being a better person around all of them. I adore each of them and loved spending time with them. I loved getting to know a little bit about them and their lives and what they do in their day to day, but I mostly loved starting to get to know the genuine people that they are. We had game nights nearly every night, and I saw the power of games and quality time with people and how impactful it can be on relationships. Even when being slightly competitive, the relationship always won. Kindness and rules always won. Helping each other always won. 

I want to know them better and stay connected with them. I want to channel them in when I get overly impatient. I want to display the grace and kindness they had. I love my cousins and am so glad I got to spend time with them. 

2019: Focus

Word of the year: Focus

2015: Relentless
2016: Intentional 
2017: Grow
2018: Enough
2019: Focus

This year, I want to focus on...focusing. 2019 probably won't be "my year". It won't be "my year" in the sense of I'm not striving to make big life changes. That may happen, but it won't be the primary focus. I've got a lot to do this year, a lot I need to focus on. This year, I'll be focusing on getting through the year. Sometimes, it's okay to have those years. A time not necessarily to thrive, but a time to buckle down and just focus on some things and that's what 2019 is likely shaping up to be. This year, I want to focus. 

Focus on grace.
Focus on connecting with people.
Focusing on finishing classes and getting dissertation started.
Focus on relationships.
Focus on resting in Jesus.

There is certainly a lot I want to focus on and each month, week, day, hour, whatever time period I need, will be spent focusing on something. I just want to focus.

I had started to lose my focus and was just kind of flailing about for awhile there and realized how much I lost my focus, lost any anchor. 

Friendship

I want to be a good friend to people. It just takes so much work. I really do try, I just feel like I fail at it a lot. I'm going to start gathering data on being a good friend vs. not and better identify how to do it. Maybe if I quantify it, it'll be easier. If I have rules to follow. I really want to be a good friend, for people to enjoy being my friend, have fun spending time with me, feel truly heard and listened to, and to also feel guided morally and know I'll have a firm grasp of right/wrong. I want to handle difficult situation with grace, for people to want to tell me hard things and trust I'll still love them through the messiness, yet gently confront when needed. Being good at what I do is really important to me and that includes friendship. 

[Excerpt from my journal, 8/2/18]

Grace and Truth

Grace and truth. Two such beautiful words and words that if we're not careful, can overshadow the other. Somebody who I fully trust to call me out, gently did so the other day. She artfully delivered truth with grace, telling me that I sometimes overemphasize truth and leave out the grace. And she's totally right. I get so focused on justice, rules, what is right and what is wrong, that I react really strongly to when I think something is wrong and leave out the grace.

I wrote in my journal awhile back that sometimes kindness is easy, but I'm tired of letting kindness win. I need justice to win, I need to know that there is a right/wrong. I don't want to be kind when I can be right. I want people to do what is right and to know how strongly I feel about that. So much so that I do the wrong thing.

I want to be someone who people can trust to be a moral compass, to make the right decisions, to be just, to be ethical, to follow the rules, and do the right thing. Sometimes I fear that if I'm too kind, too merciful, people will think I don't take a situation seriously, or that I care more about being nice than I do what's right, so I error on the side of truth. Grace without truth leads to people doing whatever they want. Truth without grace leads to too many rules and rebellion. It's not really a balance of grace and truth that I need, as much as it is an integration. Lead, love, and have relationships with grace, while never compromising truth.

One of my favorite things about genuine conversations is that they always push me to worship. They guide me to His feet, letting me settle and rest, and wrestle, and cry, and sing, and figure things out as they align with my God.

Grace. Forgiveness. Patience.

Grace. Forgiveness. Patience. 

Sometimes, we need to remind ourselves to give those to us.

Some days are hard. You don't have to be so hard on yourself. 
Don't paralyze yourself. Keep going. Even when you feel alone, you 
know you're not. You know people care about you. 
Work even when you don't want to. Organize. Don't lose sight of your goals. 
Even when you do, surround yourself with people who can remind you. 
Go back to who you are. Strong. Ethical. Linear. Driven. Realist. Optimist. Independent. Christian.
Someone who sees the good in people and situation, yet can still see clear right and wrong.
Set goals again. It's okay if you're not always okay. It's okay if things change. Don't be afraid
to set goals again. And to share them. I bet people will still think highly of you. Still think you're 
important. Trust people a little bit more. Sometimes you're not going to be the best, sometimes you're going to lose, sometimes you're going to forget to follow through. Those things don't have to define you. You are still your core, your foundation-you. And you are enough. 

Drive the Bus

Throughout the program, many instructors have told us to "drive the bus". I got my first taste of what that meant recently, when I was given very different direction and feedback from people. Getting unclear directions and being expected to follow them is a little aggravating/annoying/irritating/confusing. Ultimately, what it comes down to is....I drive the bus. Not the instructors. Not my classmates. Not anyone else but me. And I have to know where I'm going, why I'm going there, where I'm not going, and why I'm not going there. So then, when I'm told to go a different way than where I think I'm going, I can think it through and make the best decision at that time. When I'm in a healthy place, it drives me to research more, learn more, explore more, understand more, to be willing and able to be gently challenged and be able to defend. When I'm in an unhealthy place, it drives into aggravation/annoyance/irritation/confusion and I just stop working and moving forward. I just stop in the middle of the street, I don't even pull over. This may or may not have happened....(it definitely did).

This will very likely be the most frustrating part of this process and what I'll need the most support with. If I'm stopped in the middle of the highway, I'll need someone to come up and help me turn the ignition on, go to a gas station, refuel, and reset. If I'm cruising along, I'll need someone to sing along with me, roll their eyes at whoever gives unclear or unhelpful feedback, and dig more to better defend.

Helpful advice from a GCU ppt slide (original emphasis):

• Expect to hear differences in opinions for the development of your dissertation.
• You decided what supports your dissertation focus best!
• You need to be able to defend your position and support it from the literature.
• Dialogue leads to trustworthiness: Assuring integrity in your approach, keeping open communications, sharing your passion, and using the literature as your evidence are essential to establishing trustworthiness and credibility with your committee.