PhinisheD

That's my goal in the next few years....to be finished with my PhD. I have been thinking about how I haven't written here in a long while, a little bit on purpose, and that perhaps I should start again, chronicling the PhD journey.

Thus far, I've been in the program for about a year. I just finished my first residency, an intensive week consisting of 1:1 feedback from instructors. It was a really neat environment, getting to hyper focus on my 10 strategic points of my topic, and being surrounded by like minded people.

Since then, I've been thinking a lot about the uphill battle I have to completing this doctorate. Throughout this past first year, there are moments when I feel totally ready to conquer, and many other moments were I feel just beat down and exhausted. Not until recently have I started having those serious questions of "what the heck did I get myself into?" and even more so, "WHY in the heck did I get myself into this?"

For anyone considering getting a doctorate, just know that it's not for the faint of heart. The work to transition into an independent scholar is some serious internal work, aside from the sheer depth of the courses, and then of course, the dreaded dissertation. Which brings me back to my recent serious questionings, where I've suddenly seriously doubted I could actually do it.

On the third day of the residency, my instructor told me to get started on my Prospectus. It took me hours to just realize what exactly that might mean. Later, when we met for our 1:1, she asked me about it and I just stared at her and she's like, "You look nervous"... And for the first time that week, I was. Prior to this, I felt fine, because I felt prepared and like I knew what I was doing. I pretty much had my gap (I hoped), I pretty much had my 10 points, she said I did....and I didn't believe her. So earlier in the day, I told her straight up, "I know you said I have this, but I don't believe you". We reviewed it and I had questions and she told me to look those up and so I did....and then later, she gave me the green light to start on this Prospectus. This was terrifying because: 1-I wasn't prepared. If you know me at all, you know I like to be well prepared. 2-I didn't "know how". I wasn't taught about this yet, I hadn't learned yet, I had only kind of heard of it. 3-This is like a year away that I really focus on this, I thought. 4-This means that I'm doing well and now there is a bigger chance of failure. 

And as I was typing this, I thought "bingo".  Vulnerability. I suddenly felt massively vulnerable in front of her. A vulnerability that I hadn't felt during the days before. I hate vulnerability and want to avoid it. So, I do. I went back to my 10 points. The next day, I basically said again...that I didn't trust her when she said I was good. She literally just stopped me right then and said it was good, something about confidence, and to turn that in.

She was beautiful, amazing, kind hearted, brilliant, held us to a high standard, direct, clear, thoughtful, insightful, and all the things you want in an instructor for your first doctoral residency. She asked thought provoking questions and then expected you to think about it and have an answer for it and she consistently seemed to act with integrity, which were two of my favorite parts about her.

When she noted my nervous look on my face, and asked me about it, I knew then that she was going to be someone who I wanted to make proud. And then, she told me she was proud of me. And I again, shared my doubt...And then, thought number four came rushing in again: This means that I'm doing well and now there is a bigger chance of failure. I can't let her down. What if I let her down? I can't let myself down. What if I let myself down? I can do this. What if I can't do this? I can graduate sooner rather than later. What if I can't finish at all? Why does she seem like such a great human being? I want to be a great human being.

It's amazing how quickly those thoughts come rushing in and how much they can impact us. It meant so much to me when she told me she was proud of me. She's the kind of person that seems like she is proud of a lot of people, yet every single person feels like it's special. I really appreciated the statement, even though it also has somewhat terrified me that now I can really start to let people down.

They had us rate our stress levels and write a reason why our level was what it was. Scale of 0-10, and I just consistently put a 4. Before this moment described above happened, I was chugging along. And then she tells me she's proud of me and I can move forward on to the next step. 9. I wrote a 4. But 9. But in a good way. Like you for real think I can do this? Can I for real trust you? The answer to both of those might actually be yes. It's been about five days since the end of residency and I'm still not really sure where I'm at on all of this.

I have a lot more to process (which she totally recognized, how is she so good?!) and I have a lot more to do. I can't really do much until I process....so processing part 1 starts here.