Wisdom

Tonight at church, we started a new series about wisdom and I realized that my "being different" is me having wisdom. What I was frustrated with God about was Him giving me wisdom, making me prudent, and me following it. The last song we sang was "Touch of Heaven" by Hillsong. I couldn't sing it at Church because I had to repent and come into His holy presence. Into his gentle, inviting, loving, kind, patient, and holy, wise presence. 

You have all my attention, I will linger and listen

All I want is to live within your love, be undone by who you are, my desire is to know you deeper

Lord, I know my heart wants more of you...so I surrender all

Proverbs 8

Does not wisdom call out? (v. 1)

Listen, for I have trustworthy things to say; I open my lips to speak what is right. My mouth speaks what is true, for my lips detest wickedness. All the words of my mouth are just; none of them is crooked or perverse. To the discerning all of them are right; they are upright to those who have found knowledge. Choose my instruction instead of silver, knowledge rather than choice gold, for wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her. (v. 6-11)

Nothing I desire can compare to the wisdom of God. Nothing is better than walking with Jesus. Stay prudent, stay wise, stay discerning. Know God, know yourself, know your true friends, know God's word, and know trouble is always ahead. So you must stay the course. Wisdom is better than any riches, more precious than rubies. It's worth it and it's right. God is holy and I actively choose the path of righteousness, of wisdom, of holiness. 

Being Different

There’s a song that has a line that says “I want to be different” and I hate it. I actually DON’T want to be different. I don’t want to be unique. I don’t want to stand out. Yet, as a Christian, I’m called to be holy. And sometimes that’s great. More often though, I don’t like it. 

I’ve been irritated at God plenty of times and ask Him why can’t I do x, y, z? How come everyone else gets to? Why can’t I be more like these people? And I remember one time so patiently and clearly how he responded: Because you listen. Because you listen and you keep my commandments. 

But God! They’re having fun. They at least got to leave you for a little bit and then came back, why can’t I do that? Because you listen. 

But I don’t want to be compliant. It’s not compliance, it’s love. You love me. 

Yeah, but so do other people. My heart is always for people. Keep abiding in me, I’m your source of comfort and of light, and of love. 

I know. But other people get that from you AND the world. You cannot serve two masters. 

They don’t have two masters. But they have love and comfort and friendship and fun here. Why can’t I? Do you need it? No, but I don’t like being different. You’re called to be different. I know… Is it okay that I’m sad and sometimes mad and oftentimes feeling left out because I choose you above all else? Yeah…but remember your joy comes from me alone. And do you really believe you don’t have love and comfort and friendship and fun? I know sometimes it feels that way, but you know it’s not true. You know I don’t withhold good things. You know my peace and my love is perfect. You know you’re my beloved. You know that I’m always for you and I’m always with you. You know you’re loved by people. You know I’ve never let you go unloved. What about fun? Ash, it’s such a lie that you’re boring. It’s such a lie. It’s such a lie that the world is more fun and better. It’s such a lie that I’m withholding from you. It’s such a lie that you’re not fun or not good enough. You are my daughter whom I created, who I love, who obeys me, who listens to me, and whom I’m never ever ever letting go of. You’re my fun, joyous, kind, loving, beautiful, earnest, wonderful creation. You’re so loved. 

Washing Feet

I was thinking about Jesus washing his disciples feet. Those who he knew would deny him and betray him. Those who didn’t always show full faith. Those he knew would question him. Those who weren’t always great friends to him. Yet he loved them. He washed their feet. He ate with them. He cared for them. 

Stewing in my anger and hurt and frustration, these passages came to mind. That’s the Holy Spirit. My rescuer, my redeemer. 

What does it mean to wash their feet? How can I show love? Choosing love is the way of Christ and laying my desires at the foot of the cross. I’ll probably keep picking up the sword every now and then, but I want to do it less often and turn away from the desires. Lean into the hard. Lean into the way of Jesus. 

Foot in Mouth

I put my foot in my mouth again....many times...

I'm really struggling with keeping myself in check! Holy Spirit, why oh why oh why is this so hard? Why don't I hear you in those moments? Why don't you stop me? Why can't I act appropriately? Why do I get so fired up? How do I stay focused, and stay present? Why do I feel like I become more important than the person I'm perceiving to be attacking me? Why do I attack back? Why is it so hard to be gentle, meek, kind, and compassionate toward others, while also maintaining healthy self-respect?

Below are parts of two of my crisis/safety plans that I've made over the years; I've been wanting to update them, and I definitely need to do it sooner rather than later! 

These triggers are the same and these triggers are what happened. And these behaviors are also what has been happening. The emotions have been much different though. And though some of those interventions help; I need something still to slow the "ramp up" down. So I don't do those behaviors. Part of not only being an emotionally healthy human but arguably a great leader is to have excellent emotional intelligence. And while I don't want to go back to operating like a robot (with no emotion), I also know I need to continue to learn ways to control my emotions rather than my emotions controlling my behavior. I don't have to entertain unhelpful thoughts for as long as I do either. Those are skills for me to continue to learn.

As I look at Jesus and look at how he was gentle, meek, kind, and compassionate. I also look at the times when He did not let people "walk over him"--he didn't put up with disrespect, but he didn't do it rudely. Jesus had boundaries, yet always welcomed people and loved people wholeheartedly. There are some people, when I get more close up--I don't want to love them. I don't want to be any of those things. I want them to know that they are rude, insulting, bullying, incompetent, and disrespectful. I want that so bad (which already is a problem), that I become all of those things in return (which is worse). 

I do appreciate that I have the self-awareness and self-reflection skills to know that I'm wrong when I do that and beyond that--feel a lot less shame when I reflect than I used to (yay for growth). I also appreciate that I have friends who willingly call me out and still love me through this process. I most appreciate that God is good. God is patient. God is kind. God is loving. God doesn't ever, ever, ever shame me or put me down. And that's a beautiful thing to have such a Beautiful God. These moments draw me closer to Him and I always feel safe with Him. 

Dark Place

 “I’m not good.”

“I’m not doing great.”

“I’m okay…”

“I haven’t been good.” 

Those are my most used phrases over the last while and I’ve realized it’s my code. My code for. I’m really, really, really, really not okay. I’m getting into a dark place. I’m in an unhealthy place. And I’ve been at or at the verge of a potentially unsafe and dangerous place. 

These responses are different than a “I’m okay!” It’s the sad, hesitant one. It’s the constant highlighting of how I’m not doing rather than how I am doing. Because I can’t bring myself to focus on how I am doing. The one that’s asking “please ask me more, so I can know you care. But also know I’ll probably deflect and hide even more.” 

Being in a dark place is scary and it’s lonely. It’s worse when you really believe that you are alone and even worse when you intentionally keep people at bay and don’t really invite a space for questions. I think the reason why many of us don’t invite or create a space for questions when we are in a dark place is 1-we truly don’t have the energy and 2-it’s terrifying. I’m so not in a place to be rejected so I take even less risk than usual. It’s a time when I need the other person to take the risk. 

That’s why the research says to ask people directly if they are thinking about suicide. It’s a risk, but it’s a necessary one. 

From my journal:

“I started getting loneliness thoughts in my head and I was able to combat them by saying ‘that’s not true’ aloud.”

“Lies started coming into my head-lies hard to combat, easy to believe. I started crying and started silently whispering ‘I am loved, I am loved, I am loved’ over and over and over again. I am loved.”

“I’m really struggling…God, I don’t like this.”

“Ashley, people will care if you die. It won’t stop pain, it’ll add so, so, so much more. You are unspeakably loved. I cried. Cried for myself, cried out to God. What happened to me?”

Peace of the Lion

 God, my God. I need you. Here. Now. Near. Now. 

"All I know is that You are here now. Still my heart, let your voice be all I hear now. Spirit breathe. And I know You're with me in this place. Here now, all I know is that You are here now." -Here Now, Hillsong

Ashley, my beautiful, wonderfully made, beloved child. I am here. I am here. I AM. I am the Lion, the lamb, the way, the truth, the life. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, my adopted daughter, the one whom I love. I love you always, always, always, always. Forever and ever. Nothing will ever take my love away from you. Nothing. You are chosen. You are loved. You are mine. You are mine. 

DANG! The power of God is here and I am feeling safer and so much more loved. Holy Spirit, come. Stay. You are my strength, my shield. Prayer time, man. It's awesome with an awesome God. 

"I love you Lord, oh,  your mercy never fails me. All my days, I've been held in your hands. With every breath that I am able, I will sing of the goodness of God." -Goodness of God, CeCe Winans

Worshipping the Lord God Almighty. 

"Your love never fails, never gives up on me. Never runs out on me. Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did you leave us alone. You are faithful, God." -Never Once, Matt Redman

Here Now--Hillsong

Goodness of God--Cece Winans

Never Once--Matt Rodman

Leaning Into Friendship

Someone told me recently that I'm living an answered prayer. They reminded me of where I was a year ago compared to where I am now. 

I started crying today for a myriad of reasons, but one of the main ones was gratitude. How grateful I am to have the friends I have. How grateful I am to have a God who loves me and a God who loves them. How grateful I am to finally start to feel rest and peace in the grace of friendships. 

I don't know if these friendships will last forever--I certainly hope they do, but I'm starting to learn that's not always what happens. Instead of shying away from a deep friendship at the possibility that it won't last, I'm learning to lean into it. To lean into their love, their grace, their truth, their kindness, their space they are making just for me. To believe that they love me, even if, even when. And to create space for them and to draw them into truth, grace, love, patience, kindness, and goodness. 

Friendship has always been such a sacred space. I can befriend nearly anyone, but to be friends with someone is different. And to be more in the depths of true friendship is a wild and beautiful thing and rare thing. It's scary, sometimes. It's peaceful, many times. It's lovely. It's frightening. It's fun. It's many things. And above all, it's worth it. There's a tenderness and a vulnerability with that. There is courage and compassion.

God keeps reminding me He didn't make me to live life alone. That His goodness is in people. And His goodness is in the friendships I'm cultivating. 

Having the depths of friendships I'm starting to have--I never thought I'd get there. I didn't think I was capable of being this kind of friend and I didn't think I was worthy of having these kinds of friends ever again. To laugh blissfully with, to enjoy the sunshine with, to do car karaoke with (god bless them for putting up with my voice because I do love to sing), to say "Hey, I'm in the neighborhood, can I come over" (or, not even ask, just tell them I'm there),  to stay up all hours of the night, to Marco Polo when we can't see each other. And to cry with, to pray for and with, to hold in the midst of confusion and heartbreak, to sit in the silence with, to yell and scream about the injustices of the world with, to wrestle and doubt and question our faith and goodness with. 

These are the safe, God-ordained friendships that I'm leaning into right now. No matter where we are with our faith, to have faith that right now, we're loved.