I Moved

I just moved 1,200 miles away from the state I grew up in. I drove for three days and had a grand ol' time. I didn't really get bored, I didn't really think about things. I just sang, laughed, got trucks to honk, and drove. It wasn't until the second or third day that I got to my destination, four or five days later from me starting my journey, when everything hit me. I realized that I had just moved. I moved to a a new state, with no job, almost no money, no friends, no concept of the people or the community...And I had a major breakdown.

But I had no one to cry to, to tell these things too, to hug. I didn't know what to do. I was afraid to call people back home because I was afraid they would just think I was complaining. Which, I was, but not to be negative, but I was hurting. I was, and still am, deeply hurting. I called my mom and she told me, "You just went through a traumatic, traumatic, life changing event. You have to allow yourself time to grieve. You've never been good with change, so it's going to take time. And that's okay."

She was right. I hadn't allowed myself to grieve. I hadn't allowed myself to really reflect on what I did. Grieving about my move doesn't mean I regret it or that it was a bad choice. It just means that I left some incredible things and incredible people behind. I left really wonderful relationships and one of the best jobs ever. I'm scared.

People keep telling me that things will get better, and I know they're right. But I want things to be better now. I want real friends right here, right now. I hate that I have to "rebuild" relationships. I hate that I have to essentially start my life all over.

This cool guy who I knew at NAU wrote this article for Relevant magazine that was encouraging: http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/how-move-new-city

Going Back

I'm going back. I miss Jesus. I miss having a relationship with Him. I miss knowing Him. I've done some major questioning and rethinking, but I think I want Jesus. I think I've decided that He is real and what He did was real. I think He really does love and has boundless grace.

Really, I think I started to get caught up in religion and that scared me and pushed me away. But when I look at Jesus, I'm drawn. I'm not some religious Christian who hates people who view things differently and I hated that people assumed that as soon as they heard "I am a Christian". So I tried to separate myself completely from it all. But Jesus radically loved people. Every person, with every tongue, from every nation. I want to be like that. I don't want to be a religious Christian fanatic and all the assumptions that go with that. I want to be logical about my beliefs and understand real issues and radically love.

Vulnerability TED

I love TED. I'm not talking about the movie, I'm talking about TED. Ideas worth spreading. I don't fully understand the ins and outs of it, even after spending lots of time on their website and watching a ton of their talks, but here are the basics--TED is a conference that is done all of over the world where brilliant people go and give a 20 minute lecture on a profound idea. Check it out--www.ted.com or, the way I really got hooked on it, was the iPhone app.

I have found my first hero via TED. I have plenty of real life heroes--I have great people in my life. But the first person who exists that I don't know and who I want to learn from in a more personal way. Her name is Brené Brown. She has two TED talks and they are both fantastic. Google her!

Anyways, if you have 20 minutes, watch this video:

http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/en/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

And if you have another 20 minutes, watch "The Power of Shame".

Dr. Brown has her Bachelors, Masters, and PhD in Social Work and researches shame and vulnerability.

Her findings, much to her dismay, is that being vulnerable is worth it.
People are worthy.
Tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.
Have compassion with yourself and others.
Connect as a result of authenticity.
Fully embrace vulnerability.
Be willing to say "I love you" first.
Be willing to do something with no guarantees, be willing to invest in a relationship.
Believe that you are enough. 

The Heart of the Question

Time for a real and vulnerable post...


I went to church this weekend. Based on the content of this blog, potentially my FaceBook, and really, most of my life, that may seem like something not really out of the ordinary. Except that, for the year 2012, it was. The last time I went to church was on Easter. The time before that, I think Christmas. Actually, I went once between those two holidays because I had to take someone. It's been more than eight months since I've consistently been to church.

Not until late April did I tell anyone that I was struggling. Almost five months, and no one knew. As of now, two people know of my lack of attendance. I didn't really make it a secret that my last semester of college was extremely difficult, but the more precise reasons as to why it was so difficult were secret. Besides the fact that I have nearly perfected the art of not answering questions I don't want to answer, I'm also good at hiding things.

My friend responded with the question of Ash, what's going on in your heart? I know you, and I know you don't just do something or don't do something for no reason. You always have a reason. There has to be something deeper, because I know you. As important as your actions are, they are just a result of what's going on with you. So tell me about your heart. 


She was absolutely right. She wanted to get to the heart of the issue. It wasn't really about my church attendance. Or the fact that I hadn't prayed or read in my Bible in almost just as many months as I hadn't gone to church. Yes, that mattered. But I had deeper issues--much deeper issues--than just the fact that getting up by 9am on a Sunday was difficult for me. It's going to be a very long time until I get some of them sorted out--it's already been nearly eight months and I am hardly at the point of mentioning it (not equivalent to talking) to people and it was just now that I was at the point of being in a church.

I was going to sort of go into some of the reasons, but I'm not up for that yet. But with this post, I hope it does show that I am working on my vulnerability. People keep putting me up on this pedestal of perfection and I shouldn't be there. I don't want to be there. I mess up, I struggle, I question, I doubt, I get confused, I hurt. Probably, a lot like you. 

I Decided to be a Master

After much debate, research, thoughts, confusion, applications, etc, I once again made either a brilliant decision or a really, really idiotic decision. I decided to be a master. Once I made that decision, I had to decide what specific program and at what school. Did I want to go more in the direction of student affairs or of counseling

I was accepted to The Ohio State University, University of Kansas, and University of Southern California.

To make the long and grueling process and story very short, here's the decision:
I'll be attending the University of Kansas, School of Social Welfare in the Fall, pursuing my MSW.

KU, home of the Jayhawks (basketball fans, anyone?), is "a great place to be a champion" and their reasoning behind their School of Social Welfare is "because people deserve lives with dignity". Their program has four themes:

1. Focus on people's strengths
2. Celebration of human diversity
3. Promotion of social and economic justice
4. Developing a critical perspective

My undergraduate degree was primarily financed through scholarships. Well, all scholarships. Those scholarships, given to me because I did something well or providing some necessary service, were really the driving force to me deciding to minor and not take an "easy" semester. I felt like the state of Arizona had faith in me to do well--they trusted me academically.

My graduate degree will primarily be financed through loans. In fact, all loans. I had to take out $30,000 in loans to pay for one year of grad school and I'll have to take that same amount out for my second year as well. At first I took that to mean that the federal government and the school had no faith in me. They weren't trusting me and didn't believe in me. And then I thought about it differently. And I may be the only person to think of loans this way, but whatever. They have a lot of faith in me to repay that money (ends up being about $45,000 with interest--multiply by two--I'll be about $90,000 in debt in student loans.) They're trusting me financially. 

After doing a student loan calculator, it reported that I would be paying nearly $400 every month for 10 years just in student loans and in order to do that, I would need to get a job with a salary of $45,000/yr to have a "decent" living and the least amount I could make would be $33,000/yr--though if I did that I would live "very uncomfortably". I'm getting my degree in social work...

If I didn't go to graduate school, I could be one of the few without any debt. And all the money I'm making, I would get to keep. I could get a new car, buy a house, begin real jobs now, and not be in any debt. Instead, I chose to go to school. 

I'm choosing Kansas over California (my dream location). I'm choosing to rent a house instead of living in a house for free (helping me stay financially secure, ever so slightly, and I actually could get a new car). I'm choosing to be in debt almost in 6 figures instead of living debt free. I'm choosing to move away from the time zone I've lived in for over 17 years, away from all that I've known. 

After all this, it sounds like I made a really, really idiotic decision. And then I look at the purpose and themes of the school and hope that it ends up being a brilliant one.

Justice, Forgiveness, Mercifulness

Justice: Behavior according to what is right/fair
Forgiveness: Stop feeling angry/resentful to someone due to a wrong doing
Mercifulness: Compassion towards someone when you have the right to punish/harm


All three of these words sound great--they all sound like words that we like, right? But when you really look at them, you'll see that it's difficult for them to exist together. It's so hard for me to balance those words together. There are a lot of things I have trouble grasping about God, but the thing that's at the top of my list of incomprehensible things is the idea that God is fully just and fully merciful and fully forgiving.

I get made fun of (lovingly, I hope) due to my high guilt complex. But my sense of justice ranks even beyond my guilt complex. I have such a strong sense of justice and injustices destroy me when I see them happen.

I hate that people are struggling. I hate that people who are absolutely incredible are having cruddy things happen to them. I hate that people are suffering, especially those who are suffering due to poor decisions made on other people's parts. I hate that bad things happen in the world. I hate that there are diseases, natural disasters, mental disorders, physical disorders. I hate that there is death.

I see all of those issues and I get upset. I weep and mourn.

I seek justice--I want wrongs righted.
I hold onto the peace that Jesus promises, I hold onto the character of God that I believe in--that He is fully just.

I also know that forgiveness must happen. I know that if true justice was sought, I wouldn't be redeemed. I don't deserve the love that Jesus offers, and I am so thankful for His forgiveness. I believe that He is fully forgiving.

I also know that mercy does not negate justice. I know that being merciful means fully loving. I believe that He is fully merciful.

I believe that God is fully just, fully forgiving, and fully merciful. I believe that there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears. While I may not be able to grasp this idea of justice, forgiveness, and mercifulness, Jesus does. And I trust that He wants justice more than I do and that He loves people and the world more than I do.

Ahhhh

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!


In less than three months, I will have walked the stage and participated in my undergraduate graduation ceremony. In less than three months, I will have completed all of my coursework necessary to obtain a minor in Political Science and a a Bachelor of Science in Psychology and a Bachelor of Science in Sociology. In less than three months, I will have graduated from Northern Arizona University.

Graduating high school was so much easier. I knew what I was going to do. I knew it wouldn't be difficult for me to get into a university. Good grief, two of my high school counselors told me I could probably get into any university I wanted--I was even encouraged to apply to Harvard--and they told me I wouldn't have any trouble getting a full ride scholarship. I had solid teachers who knew me and supported me. I was excited to graduate high school.

I'm not so excited about graduating college. Really, graduating from college is not fun. (Or cheap. Geeze la weeze it's expensive to graduate!) This has definitely been a trying year and an incredibly difficult semester..and I'm only a month in. Figuring out life is much more difficult than one would think..and most people already think it's pretty darn difficult. Besides that, I have really enjoyed my undergraduate career. I have had an awesome job the past three years, developed incredible relationships, have deepened in my understanding of diversity, and have enjoyed my courses (I mean, not all of them and not the work=P).

Also, my family still lives in the city where my high school is. My friends from high school, I can still see, they are still part of my life. But when I graduate college, I won't have family or strong ties to Flagstaff. And once the people graduate who will still be here next year...they probably won't be here. The relationships I have developed with people here, while many of them are much deeper and more developed than those back home, they are going to take a lot more work to keep. And realizing that, kind of sucks and is slightly heartbreaking.

I'm (temporarily) done ranting about my panic=)