Monday, August 6, 2012

The Heart of the Question

Time for a real and vulnerable post...

I went to church this weekend. Based on the content of this blog, potentially my FaceBook, and really, most of my life, that may seem like something not really out of the ordinary. Except that, for the year 2012, it was. The last time I went to church was on Easter. The time before that, I think Christmas. Actually, I went once between those two holidays because I had to take someone. It's been more than eight months since I've consistently been to church.

Not until late April did I tell anyone that I was struggling. Almost five months, and no one knew. As of now, two people know of my lack of attendance. I didn't really make it a secret that my last semester of college was extremely difficult, but the more precise reasons as to why it was so difficult were secret. Besides the fact that I have nearly perfected the art of not answering questions I don't want to answer, I'm also good at hiding things.

My friend responded with the question of Ash, what's going on in your heart? I know you, and I know you don't just do something or don't do something for no reason. You always have a reason. There has to be something deeper, because I know you. As important as your actions are, they are just a result of what's going on with you. So tell me about your heart. 

She was absolutely right. She wanted to get to the heart of the issue. It wasn't really about my church attendance. Or the fact that I hadn't prayed or read in my Bible in almost just as many months as I hadn't gone to church. Yes, that mattered. But I had deeper issues--much deeper issues--than just the fact that getting up by 9am on a Sunday was difficult for me. It's going to be a very long time until I get some of them sorted out--it's already been nearly eight months and I am hardly at the point of mentioning it (not equivalent to talking) to people and it was just now that I was at the point of being in a church.

I was going to sort of go into some of the reasons, but I'm not up for that yet. But with this post, I hope it does show that I am working on my vulnerability. People keep putting me up on this pedestal of perfection and I shouldn't be there. I don't want to be there. I mess up, I struggle, I question, I doubt, I get confused, I hurt. Probably, a lot like you. 

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