I Decided to be a Master

After much debate, research, thoughts, confusion, applications, etc, I once again made either a brilliant decision or a really, really idiotic decision. I decided to be a master. Once I made that decision, I had to decide what specific program and at what school. Did I want to go more in the direction of student affairs or of counseling

I was accepted to The Ohio State University, University of Kansas, and University of Southern California.

To make the long and grueling process and story very short, here's the decision:
I'll be attending the University of Kansas, School of Social Welfare in the Fall, pursuing my MSW.

KU, home of the Jayhawks (basketball fans, anyone?), is "a great place to be a champion" and their reasoning behind their School of Social Welfare is "because people deserve lives with dignity". Their program has four themes:

1. Focus on people's strengths
2. Celebration of human diversity
3. Promotion of social and economic justice
4. Developing a critical perspective

My undergraduate degree was primarily financed through scholarships. Well, all scholarships. Those scholarships, given to me because I did something well or providing some necessary service, were really the driving force to me deciding to minor and not take an "easy" semester. I felt like the state of Arizona had faith in me to do well--they trusted me academically.

My graduate degree will primarily be financed through loans. In fact, all loans. I had to take out $30,000 in loans to pay for one year of grad school and I'll have to take that same amount out for my second year as well. At first I took that to mean that the federal government and the school had no faith in me. They weren't trusting me and didn't believe in me. And then I thought about it differently. And I may be the only person to think of loans this way, but whatever. They have a lot of faith in me to repay that money (ends up being about $45,000 with interest--multiply by two--I'll be about $90,000 in debt in student loans.) They're trusting me financially. 

After doing a student loan calculator, it reported that I would be paying nearly $400 every month for 10 years just in student loans and in order to do that, I would need to get a job with a salary of $45,000/yr to have a "decent" living and the least amount I could make would be $33,000/yr--though if I did that I would live "very uncomfortably". I'm getting my degree in social work...

If I didn't go to graduate school, I could be one of the few without any debt. And all the money I'm making, I would get to keep. I could get a new car, buy a house, begin real jobs now, and not be in any debt. Instead, I chose to go to school. 

I'm choosing Kansas over California (my dream location). I'm choosing to rent a house instead of living in a house for free (helping me stay financially secure, ever so slightly, and I actually could get a new car). I'm choosing to be in debt almost in 6 figures instead of living debt free. I'm choosing to move away from the time zone I've lived in for over 17 years, away from all that I've known. 

After all this, it sounds like I made a really, really idiotic decision. And then I look at the purpose and themes of the school and hope that it ends up being a brilliant one.

Justice, Forgiveness, Mercifulness

Justice: Behavior according to what is right/fair
Forgiveness: Stop feeling angry/resentful to someone due to a wrong doing
Mercifulness: Compassion towards someone when you have the right to punish/harm


All three of these words sound great--they all sound like words that we like, right? But when you really look at them, you'll see that it's difficult for them to exist together. It's so hard for me to balance those words together. There are a lot of things I have trouble grasping about God, but the thing that's at the top of my list of incomprehensible things is the idea that God is fully just and fully merciful and fully forgiving.

I get made fun of (lovingly, I hope) due to my high guilt complex. But my sense of justice ranks even beyond my guilt complex. I have such a strong sense of justice and injustices destroy me when I see them happen.

I hate that people are struggling. I hate that people who are absolutely incredible are having cruddy things happen to them. I hate that people are suffering, especially those who are suffering due to poor decisions made on other people's parts. I hate that bad things happen in the world. I hate that there are diseases, natural disasters, mental disorders, physical disorders. I hate that there is death.

I see all of those issues and I get upset. I weep and mourn.

I seek justice--I want wrongs righted.
I hold onto the peace that Jesus promises, I hold onto the character of God that I believe in--that He is fully just.

I also know that forgiveness must happen. I know that if true justice was sought, I wouldn't be redeemed. I don't deserve the love that Jesus offers, and I am so thankful for His forgiveness. I believe that He is fully forgiving.

I also know that mercy does not negate justice. I know that being merciful means fully loving. I believe that He is fully merciful.

I believe that God is fully just, fully forgiving, and fully merciful. I believe that there will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, no more fears. While I may not be able to grasp this idea of justice, forgiveness, and mercifulness, Jesus does. And I trust that He wants justice more than I do and that He loves people and the world more than I do.

Ahhhh

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!


In less than three months, I will have walked the stage and participated in my undergraduate graduation ceremony. In less than three months, I will have completed all of my coursework necessary to obtain a minor in Political Science and a a Bachelor of Science in Psychology and a Bachelor of Science in Sociology. In less than three months, I will have graduated from Northern Arizona University.

Graduating high school was so much easier. I knew what I was going to do. I knew it wouldn't be difficult for me to get into a university. Good grief, two of my high school counselors told me I could probably get into any university I wanted--I was even encouraged to apply to Harvard--and they told me I wouldn't have any trouble getting a full ride scholarship. I had solid teachers who knew me and supported me. I was excited to graduate high school.

I'm not so excited about graduating college. Really, graduating from college is not fun. (Or cheap. Geeze la weeze it's expensive to graduate!) This has definitely been a trying year and an incredibly difficult semester..and I'm only a month in. Figuring out life is much more difficult than one would think..and most people already think it's pretty darn difficult. Besides that, I have really enjoyed my undergraduate career. I have had an awesome job the past three years, developed incredible relationships, have deepened in my understanding of diversity, and have enjoyed my courses (I mean, not all of them and not the work=P).

Also, my family still lives in the city where my high school is. My friends from high school, I can still see, they are still part of my life. But when I graduate college, I won't have family or strong ties to Flagstaff. And once the people graduate who will still be here next year...they probably won't be here. The relationships I have developed with people here, while many of them are much deeper and more developed than those back home, they are going to take a lot more work to keep. And realizing that, kind of sucks and is slightly heartbreaking.

I'm (temporarily) done ranting about my panic=) 

I'm Not A (BLANK) Major!

Since I've been in college one of the most common phrases I hear is, "Whatever, I'm not a (blank) major".
The most common majors that people use are Math and English.

When someone adds 44 and 32 incorrectly, they just say, "Whatever, I'm not a math major".
When someone misspells a word, they just say, "Whatever, I'm not an English major".

Really, I've heard just about every major used in that blank space...and I'm tired of it. It's one of the most annoying phrases.

At the college level, you should be able to add 44 and 32, you should know how to spell most words, you should know the basics of grammar, you should know that 8x7 is the same as 7x8. Good grief. I hate excuses. And I really hate stupid excuses.

There is no excuse for a college student to not be able to do elementary math or spelling. Besides that, there is a reason why nearly every college requires a certain amount of liberal studies courses for undergraduate studies--because it's important to know some basics of things outside of your main area of study. Am I great at math? No. Do I know how to do Differential Equations? No. Do I know how to do Quantitative Reasoning? Yes. And every NAU student (and really, every college student) should be able to answer "yes" to that last question.

Gah!

I just hate excuses and I hate when people say, "I'm not a (blank) major!"

So if you want to tick me off, just say that phrase and you have achieved your goal. Because I firmly believe that it's important to know at least a little about other subjects. And at the very least, be able to perform at a high school level in all subjects if you're in college. Otherwise, you look like an idiot and make other college students look like buffoons too. 

Epiphanies

Epiphany: A moment of sudden revelation or insight

This week I've had two epiphanies.

1. Learning is worth more than grades. 
2. A major is a knowledge in a particular field. 

Learning is worth more than grades

I'm still debating this one and need thoughts. I have come to the conclusion that someone can get solid grades and not actually learn. It's possible to get a 4.0 and not really learn, I really believe that. Does that go the other way, though? Can you learn something and not get high grades? After many years, I think I've decided on "yes". I used to define myself through my grades. Now, I was definitely a student who learned too, but when I didn't care or thought something was stupid, I didn't learn, yet still got a good grade. But I finally learned an important lesson over the course of my undergraduate career--and it's that I'm worth more than my grades. 

I bring this up because I am taking classes now that are going to be challenging for my GPA, I'm pretty sure. But I kind of like the classes--I am learning. They aren't the most fun nor are they easy, but I am learning. I have a test in my American Foreign Policy class this week and I'm not overly confident that I'll do well on it. It's a dang hard class and it'll be a dang hard test. On the first day of class our professor said that she tries to be hard and wants to be known as the hardest teacher, yadda yadda yadda. Even though I don't like the work and may not get a solid grade on this test, I have enjoyed the class and the readings (kind of). I'm learning. So I'm trying to hold onto this realization that learning is more important than grades, because that's the only thing that'll really get me through this semester. 

A major is knowledge in a particular field.

Okay, no duh. But seriously, it just hit me today. I have specific knowledge in the fields of Psychology and Sociology. I understand people and society better than the average person. How cool! I can read people better than most people. I can see relationships and understand them in a different way than the average person. I have an intricate understanding of institutions, of the mind, and of deviance that others don't have. I have a vast amount of knowledge in these fields--more than someone who isn't majoring in either of these and way more than someone who has never taken a class in either subject. 

I felt better about my life and my past four years and this upcoming semester when I had these two epiphanies. 

Presidential Candidates

I love voting. It's one of my favorite things to do as an American. I enjoy researching candidates, watching debates, learning about issues that I didn't know existed and hearing their views on them. It's just so....
fascinating

I was watching CNN tonight and Piers Morgan was on, interviewing Herman Cain--the Republican candidate that dropped out of the race in December. I realized I was incredibly far behind on researching candidates and felt like a terrible American voter.

Anyhoo, I've been on this site for the past two hours or so: http://2012.presidential-candidates.org/
It's amazing! Go on the site and research people!

Now, while I won't advocate for who I do and do not like thus far I seriously do have to share this quote, found on their educational views, because it made me laugh:

"Gingrich has said that high school girls who graduate as virgins should be rewarded."


Alright, go and research and debate and learn!

Character Transformation

I love reading more than most people know. Most people know I enjoy reading, but few know the extent of my passion for it. Like many avid readers, when I read a fiction novel, I don't just simply read the words and comprehend the context. Rather, I delve into the story. I insert myself into it, I feel like the characters, I think like the characters, I am transformed into the characters. It's the same way when I watch movies--that's when I declare something is a good movie, show, or acting--when I am transformed into the characters and forget I'm watching a movie/show. That's why I can't fall asleep to the TV or to a movie--I'm too involved in it.

I read a book yesterday called Safe Haven, written by Nicholas Sparks (my favorite author). If you've read at least two of his books, you would probably find that he has a certain story line that most of his books follow. I love them and his writing style, but they are generally the same story, just with a few details changed. This book was different though. It deviated from his normal writing style. And this book made me think about 49038 kinds of things and was one of the most emotionally exhausting books I have ever read. (It was also my favorite book by him and one of my favorite books that I have ever read and seriously do recommend reading it, even after all this.) It was exhausting and I even had nightmares about it. I had no idea that it was going to be about what it was. I started it late Monday night, around midnight and read until 5am. I was so tired, but I tossed and turned and had nightmares and woke up again at 7am. I was awake for a few more minutes and dozed on and off until 11am, nightmares still occurring. I knew I had to finish the book, no matter how difficult it was. I finished at 2pm and could barely stand up to get out of bed. I was exhausted from the lack of sleep, exhausted from the book, exhausted from the nightmares.

(Warning: spoiler alert for the book)

The book was about domestic abuse. It was about a husband and wife. It was about the wife doing something wrong, not being perfect enough, not doing what the husband wanted and so he hit her. He kicked her, he beat her, he raped her, he threatened her, he held a gun to her head. The wife tried running away twice and he tightened his grip on her. He locked his wallet, didn't give her access to money, didn't let her have a driver's license, took her everywhere, called 6 times a day, monitored her every move. And then she ran away again. For good. She got away for almost half a year...and then he found her. He was a detective working for the police department after all and he was good at his job. He found her and because she fooled him and ran away even with all that he did to make sure she didn't, he was mad. But he was conflicted because he loved her, so he just wanted to get her and bring her back home so they could be husband and wife. But he hated for the reasons aforementioned, and so he wanted to kill her. It was just a book. It was just fiction. But like the book Redeeming Love, this is for real. Domestic abuse happens. Real people live this every day. I have written a number of papers and done quite a bit of research on domestic abuse throughout my college years.

This book broke my heart and caused me to have nightmares because I was transformed into that character. I was transformed into the wife. And when I remembered that real people in real life are being abused, my heart broke even more. Having a broken heart is exhausting.

Sparks wrote the book in three different perspectives. One was from the husband. And by reading his perspective on the abuse, and from my research, I've been able to understand the general concept of abuse and how/why it happens. Generally, it's not done by a "bad" guy who does "bad" things and is just a jerk and hates his kid/wife/girlfriend (or in the rare cases, the sexes are switched). There is more to it than that. In this book, the husband did love his wife. He didn't abuse her out of hatred. And every time he apologized, sincerely believing that he didn't mean it. Given his perspective, I knew that I cared about him too, even though I hated him. I wanted him to get arrested, I wanted him to suffer, I wanted him to "go away and never return" (name that movie!). I also wanted to help him, somehow.

Essentially, I wanted justice. (Read the book and see how it goes, I plead you!) Bringing it completely back to real life, I want to be part of the movement that brings justice to the world. While just, still being compassionate. I want to give what I have to love on others. No matter the cost.