Literally

When I was younger, I had some major confusion about some things with Jesus. There are two particular things I have been thinking about recently: perfection and head/heart relationship.

I thought that being perfect meant that everyone liked you. That was essentially my definition of perfect and how to be perfect was to be really well liked by everyone. I was so confused for years because I was told two conflicting things: that Jesus was perfect and a lot of people didn't like him.

That made zero sense to me. It had to be one or the other, it couldn't be both. It didn't fit in my definition of perfection. And no one ever really explained it to me. To be fair, I doubt I ever really asked....But I had some serious concerns and even more serious just straight up confusion.

The other thing I struggled with immensely was the phrase that goes something along the lines of "you need to feel it in your heart". You know, basically mean what you say. But again, I didn't understand it that way, it wasn't ever REALLY explained, and I probably never asked.

So here is what I did EVERY WEEK for years, I'm sure. But I really do remember this, and I will be so honest and it's okay to laugh at me. Because I was a cute kid, sooo....

When I was told we need to make sure we feel it in our heart or however it's worded.. I would literally try to sit up really straight and hoped gravity would work. I'm not kidding. I thought, well, my thoughts are in my head, I need them to get to my heart. My heart is lower than my head. I put my hand on my heart to see if I "felt anything".

I've always been quite literal. And those are secrets that I have not ever shared with anyone, so there you go.

I think these experiences (and others similar to these) have helped me immensely in a lot of ways--

1. I realize now that I try to actually explain things and I take great pains to (probably over) explain things.

2. I look for questions and anticipate what people are confused about. I'm doing crisis intervention training right now and I was told one of my strengths during the role play was that I was good at staying ahead of the questions--I could figure out where the conversation was going before it got there.

3. It reminds me that I was a kid. I was a real kid, as this fits right into cognitive development theories of kids being literal and concrete. And that's important for me to remember.

4. Being perfect has nothing to do with other people, because I can't control other people. I'm only responsible for what I can control, which is only myself. Perfection (in Jesus' case) was about him, not about how others perceived him. It was about his humility, grace, boldness, goodness, gentleness, kindness, graciousness, agape love, justice, mercifulness with everyone and in every situation. That's why we can say He was perfect.

I started thinking about that because tonight, I randomly thought about meeting Jesus at a donut shop. And then I was like....I wonder if He would cut his hair. I wonder if he's feet would be dirty.
And then I realized "Oh gosh, does this mean he isn't perfect if I see things wrong with him?!!?" (Dirty feet and long hair isn't my style). And then I realized the whole perfection thing. And my friends love to tease me about Santa (that's as much as I'm saying), which makes me think of the head/heart thing.

Literal secrets for you. 

Second Chance

When I think of the phrase "second chances", I think of the song by Stellar Kart:

And that's a great song and I love Stellar Kart, I was also recently introduce to another song called "Second Chance" by Rend Collective.

Oh your cross, it changes everything. 

I love the beauty of the cross and the beauty of our God. I love the beauty of grace.
And I love that the cross changed everything.
I love the redemption story. I love the Redeemer, our Lord, our God.

My word of the year has been relentless. And my phrase that I have been continuously reflecting on is "Jesus changed everything".

Countless second chances we've been given, at the cross.  

Are You Pregnant?

Let's just start this off with me answering with a "I'm not", before going on.

I had to ask my friend: "Are there other ways to get pregnant that I don't know about?!" (She actually had a really funny anecdote and the answer was yes.) (Another note--both of these are in joking format. Sort of).

So, here's a little bit more context:

Recently, I made the mistake of saying "I have something to tell you" to some individuals and more than a few of them immediately responded with, "ARE YOU PREGNANT?" or "YOU'RE PREGNANT!"

No. No, I am not. What?! No. Just, no.

When the boy and I broke up, someone asked me if it was really lonely in bed now. I was utterly confused, because I, having the dirty mind of an 8 year old (so, like...not at all) just said, "What's the correlation? I don't get it.." And they said, since you're not sleeping with anyone now, it must get lonely.

Another person asked me a similar question in reference to the break up, about how it has to really suck to not only losing a partner in any other sense of the word, but especially a sex partner.

Someone else asked if my bed felt empty.

People actually seemed to be more concerned about the fact that I was "no longer sleeping with someone" rather than anything regarding my heart/emotions/thoughts/feelings post breakup.. Not all people, but some.

And now, I'm totally single, not in any kind of relationship with any kind of man, and I'm still getting the question of whether or not I'm pregnant when I say "I have to tell you something". Granted, I shouldn't start things off that way, but when you have to break news to people, some variation of that is the typical lead in. And my news had nothing to do with sex or pregnancy.

If people ask you if you're pregnant, they've already assumed you've had sex. Unless there really is another way to get pregnant that I don't know about.

Sex and Pregnancy

So this is why I had to ask my friend if there were other ways to get pregnant that I didn't know about. Because despite what apparently a lot of people assumed (found out via post break up questions), I didn't sleep with the boy. Ever. He never slept over. We didn't have sex. So to answer all of those questions and to explain why I was so confused with the questions (by the third time I got a question, I was less confused and more annoyed): No, I don't get any more lonely in bed now than when I had a boyfriend. No, it's not weird waking up without the boy next to me. No, to any question asking me about anything related to me sleeping with him.

And not only with him, but any guy. Statistically, there are 11% of 25 year olds who haven't slept with anyone (I'm almost there). And get into a little bit older ages (which is slightly unfair data since fewer people are older and not married), about 3%. Most studies I see estimate no more than 5%, on average.

Because of those statistics, people just assume everyone is having sex, I guess. I don't know. I assume the opposite, but it's because again, I have the dirty mind of an 8 year old and I just don't understand, really. My friend told me about a time when her boyfriend had taken her to the doctor and the doctor asked if there was any chance if she was pregnant. She said, no. And the doctor said, "I thought that was your boyfriend". (There's more to the story, but the basic gist within context). And at that moment (okay, way before that moment, but still) I knew that this friend understood. (And she gave me two other stories that solidified it.)

I would probably guess that most of my friends who haven't had sex probably know the struggle. It's not just a struggle of not having sex (it's not always easy, even if we make it seem like it is). It's not just a struggle of feeling kind of left out sometimes. It's also a struggle of people not totally believing us.

Frustrations

I got to talk with my friend about some of the things we felt/thought when those questions were asked.
Confused, annoyed, mad, angry, hurt were just a few. For me, my first reaction was confusion. But my immediate reactions following were more synonyms of frustration.

I was frustrated that people thought I was having sex (with and without a boyfriend). I was frustrated that the Church wasn't different. I was frustrated that people didn't believe me when I said I hadn't had sex. I was frustrated that people didn't know I wasn't having sex. I was frustrated that people were shocked when I told them I hadn't slept with my boyfriend. I was frustrated that people assumed my relationship was a typical, millennial relationship. I was frustrated that a typical, millennial relationship is defined by having sex.

I was also frustrated that I didn't always have the courage to say I didn't sleep with him. I was frustrated that I didn't talk enough about my actions (or lack thereof) and the reasons for them. I was frustrated that I sometimes liked being thought of as a person who was having sex. I was frustrated that I just laughed along. I was frustrated that I didn't always say anything.

Really, I was frustrated with myself, with the Church, and with each person that asked any question with the underlying assumption that I was having sex. They never asked in a judgy way, just in a way of normalcy... And I wasn't necessarily frustrated in the angry way, more in the annoyed way.

I want my relationships with people, especially men, to be different. I want the Church's relationships to be different.

And I don't want a thought in the back of someone's mind be, "Is Ashley pregnant?" when I say that  I need to tell them something. Because if you made it to my list of people to tell, you should know me well enough to know that pregnancy isn't an option. And if you don't, that's on me. 

Checklists

I'm a person who thrives off of checklists. I'll add things to a list if I've already done them so I can check it off. I get a thrill, a relief, a rush. I wonder if it's how "thrill seekers" feel when they go on a crazy roller coaster...I get that kind of high when I complete things.

This whole month has been in total limbo and it has been driving me crazy. I've been so stir crazy, because I had no idea what was happening with anything in my life. Literally every single part of my life was up in the air. Shout out to Anita who let me unload nearly every single thing that happened as it was happening.

Anyways, so with everything up in the air, I couldn't start or finish anything. And I also had the flu for like two weeks (I was out basically on bedrest for almost a week, and this past week have just now started to feel a little bit better). I was getting stir crazy, as well as crazy and afoeuiraufiuajsifj with everything happening (or not happening).

While I was sick, I had to make a goal. so my goal was to get through as many episodes of Friends as possible...I got through 4 seasons (I was at the end of season 1, now at the end of season 5) in just 4 days. And then the other day, I decided to go to the library and get a bunch of CDs and some books. And I've been focused on that. My new project/goal/checklists has consisted of uploading all the CDs and reading the books.

On total accident, I'm in the middle of 5 books, and then my friend just dropped off another book for me. I get stir crazy, I set crazy goals (like read all 5 books in 2 weeks), and check things off. And then I feel so much better about life.

I saw a friend the other day and they asked how my day was and I shouted out, "Oh my gosh, so great!! I was so productive, I got to check everything off my list!!" I was ecstatic, overjoyed, over the moon. Because I was finally, for the first time all month, getting to complete goals.

This week, that means reading and uploading CDs. 

Alleluia

I was looking at some of my old stickies (which is where I type the random quotes as I hear them and how I can reference back to them) and found some random links...Below is one of them.

When I was in Intervarsity during college, we had partnered with missionaries in China and in fact a lot of my friends I knew from there are in China. When some of them had visited for a summer before moving there, they came back and taught us this song. I don't know the lyrics in English (they had them up at the time, but I don't have them), but even though it's in Chinese (I assume Mandarin), it's beautiful to listen to.

Check it out!

http://mymedia.yam.com/m/1846567

And here's another song we sang that's in Spanish that I love. (This I do have the translation for):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGbHgApqchg

False Ideas

I typically try to stay away from legitimate belief discussions on FB, but the other day I engaged in one. And it didn't go well. It essentially went like this:

(Context: Someone put an article about pending new marriage/divorce laws that discussed the idea of making it slightly harder to get divorced and comments ensued, this is the gist)

Dude I don't know: People can get divorced if they want to, it doesn't affect anyone else.

Me: If one couple gets divorced, it's not a big deal. But when a lot of people do, it is. That affects society, it affects people. 

Dude I don't know: Show me research proving that. Until I see hard evidence that that's true, that divorce affects society, I say let people do whatever they want. Who are you, the government, or anyone else to tell people what to do?

(There was other stuff, but that's the main gist. So then out of spite, I went onto JSTOR and Google scholar and found about 20 different peer reviewed articles that was the evidence he asked for, even if it was rhetorical)

Dude I don't know: I don't care about any of that, nothing will ever make me change my mind. No amount of research will, I think people can do whatever they want and no one should say otherwise. 

I was almost going to tell him before finding the articles, that I was willing to bet that no amount of research would change his mind. Because almost always when people say, show me the research and then I'll change my mind, they won't. It took all my self control to refrain from calling him on it BEFORE I sent the articles, and I couldn't help myself but send the articles to him (it was out of spite, if I'm being honest, it wasn't because I really thought it would be helpful), and then it took all the more self control to call him on it AFTER that. Actually, I just took myself away from the conversation and no longer engaged. And I've started a FB fast, so just FYI...

Anyways, onto the point:

"It is always better to have no ideas than false ones; to believe nothing, than to believe what is wrong."

This is a quote I strongly believe in. This is why I have doubts in my faith, because I refuse to just willy nilly believe in something. This guy had a strong belief (that people should be able to divorce if they want to and it doesn't affect anyone else, in this case), and it is so strong that no amount of evidence can change it. 

As much as I desire a rock solid faith in Jesus, I don't ever have to have the kind of belief that blinds me from truth. So when something is presented to me that doesn't seem to line up with my beliefs, I will think about it, I will wrestle with it, I will engage with it. I won't brush it off, I won't say "I don't care", I won't stick so hard to my beliefs. 

I do wrestle and grapple and fight and defend and question and struggle. And I think that is good and healthy. And I think that's why I so desperately love Jesus.

What bothered me the most about what the guy said wasn't his opinions, what bothered me was that his beliefs were so entrenched with him that he said "I don't care, nothing will change my mind". That rigidity is what scares me. That rigidity is what I don't want for me. Including in regards to my beliefs in Jesus or marriage. 

I remember when I was teaching a healthy relationships workshop, and the second class the topic was sex. And I told my supervisor that I was most nervous because the research supported my beliefs. That may make some people feel better, but I wanted to just present research to the folks taking my class, not instill my values upon them. I told them at the beginning I only have three beliefs I want to instill upon them and believe in:

1. Know people's names
2. Importance of accountability
3. Importance of making this a safe place

Everything else, take what you want, leave what you want, and don't have to believe anything else I say. I had a professor one time that told us, "The point of this class, any other class, is to expose you to information. You can keep your opinions, I'm just providing you with more information." And I love that and I told my class that. (That class went really, really well, by the way.)

Have strong beliefs, have strong faith, hold tight to your values. But be willing to fruitfully engage with others, other beliefs, other faiths, other values, and other evidence. 

Heartthrob

We just started a new series at Velocity Church called Heartthrob. I'm super stoked because it's about one of my favorite topics: Love, Marriage, Relationships, and Sex. So Imma just type my written notes here. The podcast is probably up on the site, if you wanna hear the original message. It was also mentioned that this is only if you want to approach it God's way. You have options, you don't have to do this.

It was around 1 Corinthians 7.

• A lot of people view the Church of "you're not 'getting any', so you can't 'get any' either", but that's not within the context at all. 

1. Important to discuss questions and issues. Paul didn't shy away from it. 
• There's a big difference between our questions and issues. God is more interested in dealing with our issues than answering our questions. 
• Paul starts 1 Corinthians as dealing with some of the issues first (first six chapters), before answering questions (chapter 7). The issues are sometimes the questions we should be asking, but haven't. 
• "We've got issues...more issues than Vogue"
• Culture provides a lot of "tips/tricks", but doesn't really deal with the issues.
2. It's good and okay to be single--it's not better or worse than being married. Sometimes we treat those who are single as second class citizens, not good enough yet, not yet whole and we need to do better than that because it's not true. Singles are whole and can have fulfilling relationships with other people. Paul discusses suggestions and standards.
• 1 Corinthians 7:2: If you're not married, you don't get to have sex. God gives boundaries with blessings. We all believe there is such as thing as sexual immorality (re: abuse, violations, incest, etc.) we just want to put our own boundaries on it. If you're dating, he's not your husband. If you're engaged, he's not your husband. 
• Not trying to shame anyone, we're not about shaming. It's about trying to encourage people to raise the standard. 
3. Desire and duty. 1 Corinthians 7:3
• It's not the most romantic language--it's not talking about desire; desire is a byproduct of the relationship, not a goal. It's not about me or desire, it's about glorifying Christ. 
• "Desire can light a fire, but only duty can keep it burning. Hashtag duty calls"
• Some days, you have to "show up for your marriage" and "go to work"--fulfill your responsibility. Marriage is a lot about giving yourself away. 
• Romance and reality lead to resentment, regret, and rebellion. Start looking at it as: What can I give and how can I give?
4. Gifts and Grace
• The real gift isn't marriage or singleness, it's the grace. And we need grace to do things right/well.