Pillars of Discernment

I have identified nuance and curiosity as the pillars of discernment, particularly as I go into the year. I reached out to one of my favorite persons a while back and said I wanted to start talking about politics with them. They are someone I not only love so dearly, but also are so thoughtful, kind, and smart! 

I've also been mulling over the thought I don't know that we can legislate nuance. I kind of wonder if that's what America (the world?) has been trying to do with so many things. Not just in laws and policies, but in the workplace as well. Any and all areas of our lives, actually. I've also thought about how when something isn't talked about, we don't have to be confronted with thinking about it. In essence--we can avoid the nuance.  We don't have to be curious. But when things are talked about--such as legislative and political ideologies--it forces people to feel like they have to take a strong position.

And I've been thinking more and more about how much more difficult it is to try to avoid the nuance--and to not recognize the scope of so many policies at micro, mezzo, and macro level at so many junctures is unwise. And taking a firm stance without curiosity is dangerous. I suppose some could take the stance that taking a "weak" stance is just as dangerous--but I don't think it's weak. I think it's...well, using discernment with the guiding lights of nuance and curiosity. It's being willing to traverse the nuance; live in the tension. Be in the colorful world of dichotomies. It's both/and, not either/or. And it's CONFUSING and it can lead to cognitive dissonance. Also, this isn't to say to NOT take a stance. It's just to understand how you got to that stance and to understand why not another one. As The Pour Over wrote, "it's easy to become angry and indignant over world events, but much more difficult to live with the tension of desiring change while simultaneously loving everyone involved. Followers of Christ are called to live in that tension..."

What I think is more important than WHAT decision someone has arrived at is HOW did you get to that decision? Why not another decision? What would it be like for you to be on the other side? For me, if I notice I get immediately judgemental about "being on the other side" (E.g. How could they think that?! They are so dumb. I can't believe they would think that's a good idea.), I've learned that the feeling is actually, more likely, scared. And then I can explore that. Why am I scared of that? What am I scared of? What's that like? Recognizing the nuances and then getting curious is crucial (and awkward and hard and brave).

Adam Grant and Brene Brown are two of my absolute favorite thought leaders and leadership examples (of people I don't know but so want to), especially surrounding these ideas.

As Adam Grant says in Think Again, "I need time for my confusion. Confusion can be a cue that there's new territory to be explored or a fresh puzzle to be solved." And Brene Brown writes (Atlas of the Heart), "...but with curiosity, we've acknowledged a gap in what we know or understand, and our heart and head are both invested in closing that gap...choosing to be curious is choosing to be vulnerable because it requires us to surrender to uncertainty. We have to ask questions, admit to not knowing, risk being told that we shouldn't be asking, and, sometimes, make discoveries that lead to discomfort." 

And Brene and Adam both remind us that "as consumers of information, we have a role to play in embracing a more nuanced point of view....there's nothing more limiting than tapping out of tension and oversimplifying the thoughts and feelings that have the power to help us understand who we are and what we need."

Regarding cognitive dissonance, I remember when I first learned that term and I was awestruck. Cognitive dissonance is "a state of tension that occurs when a person holds two cognitions (ideas, attitudes, beliefs, opinions) that are psychologically inconsistent with each other." Again, with the word tension. Again, with the nuance. And again, with the need for discernment and safety and grace and truth. 

I love the way Brene Brown writes about dissonance: "Dissonance is disquieting because to hold two ideas that contradict each other is to flirt with absurdity....in these challenging moments of dissonance, we need to stay curious and resist choosing comfort over courage. It's brave to invite new information to the table, to sit with it and hear it out. It's also rare these days." AND THEN SHE QUOTES ADAM GRANT(!!) who wrote, "Intelligence is traditionally viewed as the ability to think and learn. Yet in a turbulent world, there's another set of cognitive skills that might matter more: the ability to rethink and relearn".

Brene Brown also talks about the word "paradox" and apparently the Latin term paradoxum means "seemingly absurd but really true" and that "embracing the paradox teaches us how to think deeper and with more complexity...it moves us away from oversimplifying how systems, organizations, and humans work. 

(Seriously, this post didn't mean to be a plug for them, but they really are brilliant and thoughtful. And seem like amazing human beings. Who I want to know.) (Also, I started writing this BEFORE I read her book and had only barely started reading Adam's. It just all lines up so well. Also, can this mean I'm brilliant and thoughtful since my thoughts were in alignment with theirs? Jokes. But I do aspire to be more like them. But myself. Okay, I'm totally digressing.)

The point is. Navigating the tension of nuance by being curious can lead to being discerning. There is so much I don't know and the more I learn, the more I learn how much I don't know. And, beyond that, the more I think about various topics (especially pertaining to politics, policies, and laws), the more I'm like...I don't know. But I want to keep traversing, keep wading into the tension, and keep learning with safe people so I can better discern what's the most right. It doesn't mean I am right, but it's that I better understand where I'm landing for now. And that helps me stay curious when other people are landing in a different spot.

2023: Discernment

Y'all! This will be my NINTH year of doing a Word of the Year! 

This year's word is DISCERNMENT.

The dictionary defines discernment as "to perceive clearly" and "the ability to judge well". There's a quote that says "discernment isn't about knowing the difference between right and wrong, but about knowing the difference between right and almost right." 

There are two other words that have been rolling around in my mind—nuance and curiosity.  Those two words have started to change nearly everything for me. And I think those two words will likely be a guiding light to the main word of discernment. To be able to recognize nuance and approach with curiosity. 

As many people know, I really struggle with nuance. 1-I take things literally 2-most things actually do go over my head 3-I legitimately don't often see differences in things such as tone, facial expressions, or body language. Which, obviously, makes the realization of the importance of nuance pretty difficult. And it's something that I'll need to grapple with and need help with. 

Regarding curiosity, that's been one of those life-changing recognitions for me. What if we approached one another with genuine curiosity? And how do we even get ourselves to a place of genuine curiosity? How do we even know when we are in that place? Questions that are meant to shame "the other side" are only going to have them dig their heels in deeper. People don't respond well to shame. How do we foster safe conversations? What are good, thoughtful, curious, genuine questions? Where the purpose is to actually learn and try to be persuaded. 

Being a human is so hard and it's amazing how insanely impactful grace, compassion, and curiosity can be in relationships, and yet, how complicated and how truly friggin hard they are to have and show up with, especially when we need them. We don't always get it right. And discernment can be really helpful to try to do our best in the moments with the tools and resources we have. 

So, for 2023, I particularly want to focus on discernment. Discerning information, thoughts, ideas, and all that this entails. Discernment with the pillars of nuance and curiosity. Cheers to 2023!

2022: Alignment

Oh my gosh, I haven't written anything hardly at all this year!! I've been reading my old posts over the last few months and have reflected on my growth (and sometimes, setbacks) and then I just noticed I never shared here what my 2022 word of the year was (is)! 

Every year for the last several years, I do a word of the year instead of specific "new years resolutions". For 2022, it's ALIGNMENT. 

Originally, the word was going to be “connection”. But alignment is a broader term and can encompass connection. When we align our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with the agency, with the program, and with our values, we can also ensure we are properly connected to others. 

Alignment within myself, with my values, with work, and in all that I do. I had done a full PPT presentation for my department at the beginning of the year focusing on this word, as I had done with the other prior two years during my (essentially) three-year tenure as a Director where I previously worked at. I loved doing those presentations--the "State of the Unions" that focused on the word of the year! 

Having the word "alignment" has helped me anchor and reflect throughout the year on what I do and how I interact with people. It helps me check myself and see where I've grown and where I need to keep growing. I've done a lot of self-reflection and made a lot of changes this last year. 

Alignment defined:

• Position of agreement or alliance
• Arranging in correct or appropriate relative positions
• Identification/matching behavior, thoughts, etc of another
• Integration or harmonization of practices within a group

Deep Dive

 There is a song that I heard for the first time this past week--"Deep Dive" by SEU Worship and I am totally hooked. 

You don't want a surface relationship

You want more than this

Take me on a deep dive, deep dive into Your heart

Show me every detail, unveil all that You are

Oh, I don't want a surface relationship

Show me what's breaking Your heart

Even if it messes me up

'Cause I don't want to know You in part

I wanna know You, really know You

Those are the particular lyrics that really stand out to me. The holy God wants us to really know Him. Going beyond a surface relationship is intimate. I wrote about that in 2016. That continues to be one of the most standout things about being a Christ follower--that Christianity is about a God who comes to meet His people, rather than people having to figure out how to please God. And that He doesn't want us to just check boxes, or just do things "just because", or to even just "be good people". God wants an intimate relationship with each of us. And He invites each and every one of us and allows us to choose. Only by going deeper, do we better connect. 

The other part that really sticks out is the "show me what's breaking Your heart, even if it messes me up". I've been thinking about so many things that are facing the Church and the world and I keep coming back to having a heart for God and a heart for people. And that God is bigger than every single thing in this world and I have been finding great comfort in that. And there are things I used to hold tightly onto and I'm learning that as I keep getting to know God, I learn that there are things that break His heart and it kind of messes up my thoughts. Over and over and over and over and over again, in all things, with all people, I keep coming to the anchor of having a heart for God and for people. That means. Love God. Love people. All people. Always. Forever. That includes every marginalized community. That includes every nation, every tribe, every tongue. God is so much bigger than us. And I continue to recognize and belive how much His heart breaks for so many people. And we, as the Church, should be stepping up and showing up. 

I continue to come to the conclusion that there is nobody, in any circumstance, that can't be saved. The Gospel is offered to anyone and everyone. Yes, even them. Even now. The more I connect to Christ, the more I see how much His heart is for people and He wants all of us to know the Goodness of Him. 

The Gospel isn't meant to chain us down or to limit what we can do in the world. It's meant to allow us to have an intimate relationship with the Creator. And what that means in our "earthly" beliefs, or politics, or decisions, or actions, or behaviors, or thoughts might look a little different for different people. As long as. It's anchored in Christ.

Stay anchored in Christ and have a heart for people. As I continue to do those things, my beliefs shift. I realize that I don't know is an honest answer for a lot of things. I also realize that it's not that I don't have a rock-solid foundation of beliefs--I just have built it all on the foundation of who God is. So then, with all my other beliefs--I (interestingly) actually become much more open. 

As long as it doesn't take me away from the heart of Jesus, I follow science, I follow research, I follow logic, and rational thoughts. And I shift, I grow, I learn. I listen, I engage, I read. I find safe people to talk through controversial topics with or to dialogue about confusing things or to talk about different perspectives. And I have found that the more I do that, the more I come back to: my heart is for Jesus and for people. 

And there are a lot of topics that the Bible isn't always super clear on--some may debate that, but the point is, if it can be debated, it's probably not super clear. But what the Bible IS clear on is that as Christ followers we are to show the following:

• Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. -Galatians 5:22
• Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. -1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Pick any topic, any issue, and what I know for sure is that I'm supposed to do is be as reflective of those fruits and of that definition of love as I can be. And, I certainly don't always get it right. But I want to be a person where people can feel safe to have questions and wrestlings and confusion. Because I also have questions and wrestlings and confusion. Where you are, I want to meet you there. And I want you so desperately to know the heart of Jesus and have your own relationship with Him. 

Conviction and compassion; truth and grace. It's the both/and world, not either/or. And for someone who historically thinks in right/wrong, black/white, either/or. It's been a journey. And. I don't always get it right--I really can't emphasize that enough! But I'm committed to lessening the frequency and duration of getting it wrong. 

A few weeks ago, I got to curl up on a couch with a Pumpkin Spice Latte and talk with another leader who is wholly in love with Jesus. We were able to talk about the importance of genuineness, and authenticity, and how to navigate the tensions with "conviction and compassion". We talked about staying curious and maturing and growing in our relationship with Christ. We talked about striving to be healthy rather than perfect and what those differences are. We talked about the nuances that exist in the world and navigating the nuance and the gray with love and grace, while also staying anchored in the truth of the gospel. We talked about the importance of being in the "both/and" rather than the "either/or". We talked about the weight of leadership. 

As a Church, we need to be recognizing and navigating the nuances of the world. And responding with conviction and compassion; staying anchored in Christ and having a heart for people. I'm so convinced that Jesus died for everyone and invites everyone into a relationship with Him. And that word "everyone" is just as inclusive as it sounds. What that specific relationship then looks like, may look different for different people. As long as what's made super clear (such as the fruits of the Spirit and what love looks like) and the belief that Jesus died and rose again isn't being distorted; I think the table is big enough for all who accept Jesus as their Savior. No matter who you are, what else you may believe, or how else you identify. 

As I take deeper dives into the Word and get more intimate with God--my heart becomes more and more for Jesus and for people. And I keep seeing how much bigger God is than I am.