Washing Feet

I was thinking about Jesus washing his disciples feet. Those who he knew would deny him and betray him. Those who didn’t always show full faith. Those he knew would question him. Those who weren’t always great friends to him. Yet he loved them. He washed their feet. He ate with them. He cared for them. 

Stewing in my anger and hurt and frustration, these passages came to mind. That’s the Holy Spirit. My rescuer, my redeemer. 

What does it mean to wash their feet? How can I show love? Choosing love is the way of Christ and laying my desires at the foot of the cross. I’ll probably keep picking up the sword every now and then, but I want to do it less often and turn away from the desires. Lean into the hard. Lean into the way of Jesus. 

Foot in Mouth

I put my foot in my mouth again....many times...

I'm really struggling with keeping myself in check! Holy Spirit, why oh why oh why is this so hard? Why don't I hear you in those moments? Why don't you stop me? Why can't I act appropriately? Why do I get so fired up? How do I stay focused, and stay present? Why do I feel like I become more important than the person I'm perceiving to be attacking me? Why do I attack back? Why is it so hard to be gentle, meek, kind, and compassionate toward others, while also maintaining healthy self-respect?

Below are parts of two of my crisis/safety plans that I've made over the years; I've been wanting to update them, and I definitely need to do it sooner rather than later! 

These triggers are the same and these triggers are what happened. And these behaviors are also what has been happening. The emotions have been much different though. And though some of those interventions help; I need something still to slow the "ramp up" down. So I don't do those behaviors. Part of not only being an emotionally healthy human but arguably a great leader is to have excellent emotional intelligence. And while I don't want to go back to operating like a robot (with no emotion), I also know I need to continue to learn ways to control my emotions rather than my emotions controlling my behavior. I don't have to entertain unhelpful thoughts for as long as I do either. Those are skills for me to continue to learn.

As I look at Jesus and look at how he was gentle, meek, kind, and compassionate. I also look at the times when He did not let people "walk over him"--he didn't put up with disrespect, but he didn't do it rudely. Jesus had boundaries, yet always welcomed people and loved people wholeheartedly. There are some people, when I get more close up--I don't want to love them. I don't want to be any of those things. I want them to know that they are rude, insulting, bullying, incompetent, and disrespectful. I want that so bad (which already is a problem), that I become all of those things in return (which is worse). 

I do appreciate that I have the self-awareness and self-reflection skills to know that I'm wrong when I do that and beyond that--feel a lot less shame when I reflect than I used to (yay for growth). I also appreciate that I have friends who willingly call me out and still love me through this process. I most appreciate that God is good. God is patient. God is kind. God is loving. God doesn't ever, ever, ever shame me or put me down. And that's a beautiful thing to have such a Beautiful God. These moments draw me closer to Him and I always feel safe with Him. 

Dark Place

 “I’m not good.”

“I’m not doing great.”

“I’m okay…”

“I haven’t been good.” 

Those are my most used phrases over the last while and I’ve realized it’s my code. My code for. I’m really, really, really, really not okay. I’m getting into a dark place. I’m in an unhealthy place. And I’ve been at or at the verge of a potentially unsafe and dangerous place. 

These responses are different than a “I’m okay!” It’s the sad, hesitant one. It’s the constant highlighting of how I’m not doing rather than how I am doing. Because I can’t bring myself to focus on how I am doing. The one that’s asking “please ask me more, so I can know you care. But also know I’ll probably deflect and hide even more.” 

Being in a dark place is scary and it’s lonely. It’s worse when you really believe that you are alone and even worse when you intentionally keep people at bay and don’t really invite a space for questions. I think the reason why many of us don’t invite or create a space for questions when we are in a dark place is 1-we truly don’t have the energy and 2-it’s terrifying. I’m so not in a place to be rejected so I take even less risk than usual. It’s a time when I need the other person to take the risk. 

That’s why the research says to ask people directly if they are thinking about suicide. It’s a risk, but it’s a necessary one. 

From my journal:

“I started getting loneliness thoughts in my head and I was able to combat them by saying ‘that’s not true’ aloud.”

“Lies started coming into my head-lies hard to combat, easy to believe. I started crying and started silently whispering ‘I am loved, I am loved, I am loved’ over and over and over again. I am loved.”

“I’m really struggling…God, I don’t like this.”

“Ashley, people will care if you die. It won’t stop pain, it’ll add so, so, so much more. You are unspeakably loved. I cried. Cried for myself, cried out to God. What happened to me?”

Peace of the Lion

 God, my God. I need you. Here. Now. Near. Now. 

"All I know is that You are here now. Still my heart, let your voice be all I hear now. Spirit breathe. And I know You're with me in this place. Here now, all I know is that You are here now." -Here Now, Hillsong

Ashley, my beautiful, wonderfully made, beloved child. I am here. I am here. I AM. I am the Lion, the lamb, the way, the truth, the life. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, my adopted daughter, the one whom I love. I love you always, always, always, always. Forever and ever. Nothing will ever take my love away from you. Nothing. You are chosen. You are loved. You are mine. You are mine. 

DANG! The power of God is here and I am feeling safer and so much more loved. Holy Spirit, come. Stay. You are my strength, my shield. Prayer time, man. It's awesome with an awesome God. 

"I love you Lord, oh,  your mercy never fails me. All my days, I've been held in your hands. With every breath that I am able, I will sing of the goodness of God." -Goodness of God, CeCe Winans

Worshipping the Lord God Almighty. 

"Your love never fails, never gives up on me. Never runs out on me. Never once did we ever walk alone. Never once did you leave us alone. You are faithful, God." -Never Once, Matt Redman

Here Now--Hillsong

Goodness of God--Cece Winans

Never Once--Matt Rodman

Leaning Into Friendship

Someone told me recently that I'm living an answered prayer. They reminded me of where I was a year ago compared to where I am now. 

I started crying today for a myriad of reasons, but one of the main ones was gratitude. How grateful I am to have the friends I have. How grateful I am to have a God who loves me and a God who loves them. How grateful I am to finally start to feel rest and peace in the grace of friendships. 

I don't know if these friendships will last forever--I certainly hope they do, but I'm starting to learn that's not always what happens. Instead of shying away from a deep friendship at the possibility that it won't last, I'm learning to lean into it. To lean into their love, their grace, their truth, their kindness, their space they are making just for me. To believe that they love me, even if, even when. And to create space for them and to draw them into truth, grace, love, patience, kindness, and goodness. 

Friendship has always been such a sacred space. I can befriend nearly anyone, but to be friends with someone is different. And to be more in the depths of true friendship is a wild and beautiful thing and rare thing. It's scary, sometimes. It's peaceful, many times. It's lovely. It's frightening. It's fun. It's many things. And above all, it's worth it. There's a tenderness and a vulnerability with that. There is courage and compassion.

God keeps reminding me He didn't make me to live life alone. That His goodness is in people. And His goodness is in the friendships I'm cultivating. 

Having the depths of friendships I'm starting to have--I never thought I'd get there. I didn't think I was capable of being this kind of friend and I didn't think I was worthy of having these kinds of friends ever again. To laugh blissfully with, to enjoy the sunshine with, to do car karaoke with (god bless them for putting up with my voice because I do love to sing), to say "Hey, I'm in the neighborhood, can I come over" (or, not even ask, just tell them I'm there),  to stay up all hours of the night, to Marco Polo when we can't see each other. And to cry with, to pray for and with, to hold in the midst of confusion and heartbreak, to sit in the silence with, to yell and scream about the injustices of the world with, to wrestle and doubt and question our faith and goodness with. 

These are the safe, God-ordained friendships that I'm leaning into right now. No matter where we are with our faith, to have faith that right now, we're loved. 

Trust

2024 Word the Year: TRUST

Trust God. 

Trust people.

Trust myself. 

Trust the process. 

Trust. 

Build it. Maintain it. Form it. Mold it. Develop it. Invest in it. Use discernment for it. Grow it. 

This word the year is an accumulation of so many other words I've focused on over the years. It's a word that is scary, yet appropriate. It's one that I continue to cultivate and that though will continue to be an area of concern, one that doesn't need to be ignored. 

This sums it up so well--trusting someone is intentionally choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person's actions. I saw a brief video the other day where someone discussed the difference between transparency and vulnerability--from what I recall, transparency is saying "I had a bad day". Vulnerability includes a few more details such as "I had a bad day and yelled at someone". With that added information, someone--at any time--can throw that back in your face or can judge you or hurt you with that information. Trust and vulnerability must be used wisely and with discernment (2023 word of the year). 

Building Trust

-With Others

I love Brene Brown's research on trust. Building trust is particularly built-in mini moments--those small, ordinary, day-to-day things. One of the things that I love most about her work is that she doesn't give step-by-step instructions--she explains that's not really a thing when it comes to trust, authenticity, vulnerability, and the process of creating and owning our stories. Her acronym of BRAVING is a really helpful guide though to better gauge whether am I being trustworthy? Is this person being trustworthy? And when I really hold back--am I noticing something being done that isn't contributing to trust being built? 

Vulnerability is having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. That's the scariest sentence when put into practice. Not everyone gets to hear our story. Know who our safe people are; use wisdom and discernment. 

-With Myself

Some of it is building a relationship with myself. Which is weird, because I actually spend a lot of time with myself and I actually enjoy myself. I don't frequently have self-critical thoughts, but man when they come--they come hard. And they stay for a while, sometimes as a welcomed guest, sometimes as an unwelcomed guest. Out of all the areas of trust that I have difficulty with, I've actually realized that trusting myself is the most difficult. It's significantly easier for me to trust God and even to trust other people than it is for me to trust myself. 

I'm really good at encouraging and validating others. I'm decently good at encouraging myself. But validating myself, listening to my emotions and my body, and believing I'm good enough as is. That's a struggle. 

I fully believe that God loves me--I don't necessarily struggle with that. I am most at peace when I lean into Him, for sure. But I also think it's important to trust myself and to love myself, 

-With God

These last few months, I've been able to grow even deeper in my relationship with God. The more time I spend with Him, whether it be in prayer, solitude, in His Word, with worship music, the sanctity of friendships, or at church, bible study, or discipleship group, the more at peace I have been. His Spirit of peace and knowing His presence is within me and around me builds trust. As I read His promises, as I share my struggles, as I increase my honesty with Him, and as I increase my honesty with other believers--my trust in God grows. God loves me and is for me. He won't lead me astray and He'll never leave me. God is good and God is love. The gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit and the gentle roar of the Lion and the gentle grace of a dove and a lamb, always reliable, always there, always for me. Trust God and know God. 

Trust God, trust people, trust myself. 

Iron Sharpens Iron

 “As iron sharpens iron, so does one person do for another” Proverbs 27:17 

Awhile back a friend reminded me of that and they said “..and there may be some cuts in there. Hopefully they are few and far between and hopefully they aren’t too deep, but there will be cuts.” 

Healthy relationships recognize the humanity aspect—and that’s really been on my heart lately. 

I was talking with someone recently and they talked about the importance of grace, love, truth, and acceptance within a relationship. They can “take a sin with love”. 

They gave the example of a married pastor in a church has even just one safe person that they are willing to say “Hey, there’s this person who has been flirting with me and I like the attention and it makes me feel good and I am attracted to them.” To be that honest and vulnerable about a situation and how it made them feel even if it’s “wrong”. And to actually be heard and loved and received. And then as I say “love people enough to go to them and meet them wherever they are…and love them enough to not let them stay there.” 

To have relationships like that. We need these. Can you imagine if this was a staple? In the Church and in the world. How much heartache that would save so many people. To be real about a situation and about your feelings about it. And then to be met with love and grace and acceptance. Wholeheartedly. 

Why don’t we do this? The overall answer is that we are human. Some people, I have learned, are actually well practiced at this. (Yes, there are real people who really love people deeply and are well practiced in forgiveness!) For the vast majority though, I think part of it may be fear of rejection and shame on the side of a person sharing. And for the person hearing/receiving the news—confused and scared. 

It’s a practice. And one that we will get wrong at times and there will be cuts. It’s a practice to hear something from someone that you don’t like or agree with and respond with love and grace. It’s a practice to share something and not knowing how that person will respond. 

Sometimes we will choose to put our walls up instead. Sometimes that’ll be wise and the discerning thing to do; other times it’ll be because we aren’t able to get past the fear. 

Thank goodness we have the best example of all of this in Jesus. A friend of sinners, who loves deeply and wholly. Who shares Himself fully and honestly. Who welcomes us back over and over again. What a good, good God we have.