Washing Feet

I was thinking about Jesus washing his disciples feet. Those who he knew would deny him and betray him. Those who didn’t always show full faith. Those he knew would question him. Those who weren’t always great friends to him. Yet he loved them. He washed their feet. He ate with them. He cared for them. 

Stewing in my anger and hurt and frustration, these passages came to mind. That’s the Holy Spirit. My rescuer, my redeemer. 

What does it mean to wash their feet? How can I show love? Choosing love is the way of Christ and laying my desires at the foot of the cross. I’ll probably keep picking up the sword every now and then, but I want to do it less often and turn away from the desires. Lean into the hard. Lean into the way of Jesus. 

Foot in Mouth

I put my foot in my mouth again....many times...

I'm really struggling with keeping myself in check! Holy Spirit, why oh why oh why is this so hard? Why don't I hear you in those moments? Why don't you stop me? Why can't I act appropriately? Why do I get so fired up? How do I stay focused, and stay present? Why do I feel like I become more important than the person I'm perceiving to be attacking me? Why do I attack back? Why is it so hard to be gentle, meek, kind, and compassionate toward others, while also maintaining healthy self-respect?

Below are parts of two of my crisis/safety plans that I've made over the years; I've been wanting to update them, and I definitely need to do it sooner rather than later! 

These triggers are the same and these triggers are what happened. And these behaviors are also what has been happening. The emotions have been much different though. And though some of those interventions help; I need something still to slow the "ramp up" down. So I don't do those behaviors. Part of not only being an emotionally healthy human but arguably a great leader is to have excellent emotional intelligence. And while I don't want to go back to operating like a robot (with no emotion), I also know I need to continue to learn ways to control my emotions rather than my emotions controlling my behavior. I don't have to entertain unhelpful thoughts for as long as I do either. Those are skills for me to continue to learn.

As I look at Jesus and look at how he was gentle, meek, kind, and compassionate. I also look at the times when He did not let people "walk over him"--he didn't put up with disrespect, but he didn't do it rudely. Jesus had boundaries, yet always welcomed people and loved people wholeheartedly. There are some people, when I get more close up--I don't want to love them. I don't want to be any of those things. I want them to know that they are rude, insulting, bullying, incompetent, and disrespectful. I want that so bad (which already is a problem), that I become all of those things in return (which is worse). 

I do appreciate that I have the self-awareness and self-reflection skills to know that I'm wrong when I do that and beyond that--feel a lot less shame when I reflect than I used to (yay for growth). I also appreciate that I have friends who willingly call me out and still love me through this process. I most appreciate that God is good. God is patient. God is kind. God is loving. God doesn't ever, ever, ever shame me or put me down. And that's a beautiful thing to have such a Beautiful God. These moments draw me closer to Him and I always feel safe with Him. 

Dark Place

 “I’m not good.”

“I’m not doing great.”

“I’m okay…”

“I haven’t been good.” 

Those are my most used phrases over the last while and I’ve realized it’s my code. My code for. I’m really, really, really, really not okay. I’m getting into a dark place. I’m in an unhealthy place. And I’ve been at or at the verge of a potentially unsafe and dangerous place. 

These responses are different than a “I’m okay!” It’s the sad, hesitant one. It’s the constant highlighting of how I’m not doing rather than how I am doing. Because I can’t bring myself to focus on how I am doing. The one that’s asking “please ask me more, so I can know you care. But also know I’ll probably deflect and hide even more.” 

Being in a dark place is scary and it’s lonely. It’s worse when you really believe that you are alone and even worse when you intentionally keep people at bay and don’t really invite a space for questions. I think the reason why many of us don’t invite or create a space for questions when we are in a dark place is 1-we truly don’t have the energy and 2-it’s terrifying. I’m so not in a place to be rejected so I take even less risk than usual. It’s a time when I need the other person to take the risk. 

That’s why the research says to ask people directly if they are thinking about suicide. It’s a risk, but it’s a necessary one. 

From my journal:

“I started getting loneliness thoughts in my head and I was able to combat them by saying ‘that’s not true’ aloud.”

“Lies started coming into my head-lies hard to combat, easy to believe. I started crying and started silently whispering ‘I am loved, I am loved, I am loved’ over and over and over again. I am loved.”

“I’m really struggling…God, I don’t like this.”

“Ashley, people will care if you die. It won’t stop pain, it’ll add so, so, so much more. You are unspeakably loved. I cried. Cried for myself, cried out to God. What happened to me?”