I just heard this song for the first time today.
All I have wanted to do is drink and cry. I haven't really done either...Okay, I'm having one beer right now, but I've been sipping it for a few hours! People ask me how I am and I tell them that I'm fine. And when they ask again, I say, "I'm tired".
And that's the truth. I'm tired. I'm tired, so tired. I'm tired of working literally all the time. I'm tired of not being able to sleep. I'm tired of not trusting people. I'm especially tired of feeling cynical.
This past while, I've started to become cynical. That has never been a word I would use to describe myself as. Ever. I've always strongly believed in people, the world, and systems. I don't believe people are out to get me or only out to "make a buck". People have joked throughout my life that I go through life with rose colored glasses and they aren't wrong. I love living life that way. It makes it so much better, more fun, and opens me up for more joy.
But lately. Lately, I've been cynical. I've been doubting and questioning and arguing. The other day someone I highly respect basically told me I'm oppositional. What? Me? I tried to fight them on it...which they just raised their eyebrows and I realized...oh. Shoot.
I've been doubting the agency I have pledged myself to. I've been doubting the work I do and the country I live in. The worst has probably been the doubting of the people I've always trusted. I've become cynical and have started assuming the worst. Or at least, not the best.
And that is tiring. I need people to bring me back to....me. To remind me that people are awesome. That people are doing the best they can, with what they have. That the people who I put my trust in are strong, ethical, brilliant, beautiful people who I can still trust. I need people to hold me accountable and call me out and say, "Ash...keep believing in people. Don't give up hope." I need people to let me cry and be mad and hurt and then say, "Okay, now keep going. Keep believing." I need to believe again that people are trying to make the decisions they really do think are best. That insurance agencies aren't these evil corporations. That for profits are good. I had always believed those to be true, but when all I hear and am surrounded by is how terrible certain people are or certain policies or certain types of corporations, it gets really hard to fight.
And fighting is tiring. So a couple weeks ago, I gave up fighting. But sitting, getting beat up, and constantly bombarded still with how terrible people and policies are isn't working either. So I need to get back to what I think is the most right.
That in general, people are good. Especially the people I decided to trust. That corporations and agencies, nonprofit and for profit, believe in helping the world. I'm not a cynical person. And I don't want to be one any longer.
I want to drink my beer, cry, journal, worship Jesus, believe in people, and trust people.