Concussion Update

Went to the doctor on Monday. The last time I went to the doctor, I still wasn't reallyyyy legitimately recovering. So, I'm finally recovering, though not yet recovered.

I didn't do well on my cognitive impact test=( But! We have theories.
I go in the afternoon. I had a long day, had to take 3 tests for a training (100% on those!), had to drive an hour to get to the doctor, I was late, it was raining, I was stressed, I was tired. So, doc is cool with my results and is still quite pleased.

So here's where we're at:
-I am going to go the concussion clinic only one more time in 3 weeks!
-I have been approved to have alcohol. Haven't had a drink since the concussion in July.
-I still cannot participate in contact sports, roller coasters, ride a bike, water parks, etc--anything where I can get another head injury (where it's fairly likely)
-She is willing, yet weary, to officially approve for me to do extra cognitive things (like more work, classes, school, etc.) Unofficially, I'm doing it all anyway and she knows that. But officially, I'm still not technically approved for every thing.
-My symptoms are super low, which is great. But they still exist. Not as often and not to the same degree. But I will be on some kind of restriction (like no roller coasters) until I have no symptoms related to the concussion, no matter to what degree. Even if I only have 1 and it's slight, still not allowed.

What Would You Do If You Could Not Fail?

Me? I would take the GRE and the LSAT.
If I had lots of time and lots of money.
I would apply for PhD programs and law school.
I would want to get my law degree, PhD in Clinical Psyc, PhD in Social Psyc, Master's in Organizational Leadership or Org. Psyc.

When I'm really dreaming.
I'm profiling people.
I'm adjusting systems to better serve people.
I'm consulting.
I'm facilitating group therapy.
I'm doing individual counseling.

But I can fail. And I haven't figured out the whole timing aspect.
But I can fail.
So I either need to learn how to be okay with failing.
Or I'll likely be stuck in case management.

I've never directly shared my dreams or goals.
So here we go. Step 1 to being okay with failing.
Sharing dreams.

Your turn. 

Friendship Struggle

"I didn't want to hear what you would say."
"I knew what you would say."
"I didn't want you to judge me."
"You would point out the red flags and all the warnings I should have caught."

I just got off the phone with one of my best friends. She was upset, hurting, crying. She told me...

"I haven't told you about this, because I knew what you would say. I know you would never and haven't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever (she really did use that many "evers") rubbed it in my face or say 'I told you so'. But I always know it,  I always know that you're right, and I don't want to face it and I have to when I talk to you."

She isn't the only person to tell me this. So many people in my life (seriously, so many. I would venture to say well over 85% of the people in my life who we actually have a legit relationship) tell me these things.

Especially when it comes to relationships.
I don't know what to do about it, how I'm supposed to feel about this, if I'm supposed to change, what's the most right, if this is good, if this is bad, if this is helpful, if this is hurtful.

My friends are afraid to tell me things (bad).
My friends tell me I'm almost always right (good?)
My friends are afraid I'll judge them (bad).
My friends know and believe that I won't ever rub anything in their face (good).

I sometimes ask these questions, when my friends finally tell me whatever it was they were holding back:
What red flags would I have pointed out/why would I point out red flags?
Why do you think I would have thought this was a bad idea?
Why did you fear my reaction?
Why didn't you think I'd support this?
Why did you think I'd have that reaction?
What do you think my reasons are for cautioning you (or whatever)?
What do you think my "goals" are for you?
Do you think our goals are the same?

And always. Always. Always. They are able to answer those questions. The response has never been "I don't know, Ashley. I don't know why you would point out red flags, I think you're just a judgmental jerk. I don't think you care about my happiness. This was a good idea, I don't think it's right for you to think it's not. I think you want me to not do anything with my life. I don't think you want me to have a relationship."
Never have any of those things ever been said, hinted at, or thought.

My friends are always able to identify the red flags, the warnings. They know they exist.
My friends always respond to the fearing reaction question and why I wouldn't fully support something with "because I knew you'd be right"
My friends always say my reaction matches the situation.
My friends are always able to identify my reasons for cautioning them.
And they always answer the goals questions with "because you care about me".

Every single friend. Every single time. (And believe me, it's been A LOT of times with A LOT of friends. And a lot of times with the same friends. Almost every friendship, we've been through this conversation.)

So that still leaves me in the dark. I don't know what to do.
My friends don't think I judge them, but always fear I will.
My friends know I care about them.
My friends know I don't ever rub anything in their face.
My friends know I don't ever make them feel bad about their choices/decisions/actions.
My friends know I can identify when something may not be all rainbows and sunshines.
My friends know I can identify when someone may not treat them well.

But my friends are afraid to tell me things.
My friends don't want to tell me things.
My friends keep things from me.
My friends are afraid of my reactions.
My friends think I'll judge them.

Am I a good friend because of this.
Or am I bad friend because of this.

Am I thinking about this too black/white, pro/con (If you notice, those were all broken into pro/con lists), too either/or?

Do I need to change?
Am I supposed to change?
Am I helpful?
Is my process beneficial?

If you've been in this situation with me.

How many things have you decided not to tell me because you either feared my reaction, assumed my reaction, thought I'd be mad, thought I would judge you, etc?

Or, perhaps to make it more "strengths based"
How many times have you thought about what you assumed my response would be and took that into account and that changed your actions/made an impact?

You don't have to give details, I don't need/want an explanation, we don't need to discuss it. You can just say a lot, a few, never, almost everything, more so recently, more so in the past, whatever.

I asked someone this questions and they told me, "I don't think I have ever not told you anything but a few times I have procrastinated tell  you in fear of your reaction"

And then they said, "It is because you are so influential. I value your thoughts and opinions."
Another friend told me, "But I trust my relationship with you and what you have to say plays a big impact on what I think".

So maybe. I'm doing okay.