Why You Cry?

Warning: Another "real" post


My eyes burn right now. I'm not even sure I can for real complete this post because they hurt so badly. Why do they hurt? Because I cried for like an hour today. I know, right? Gee whiz.

I have been ridiculously sick these past five days or so and finally went to the doctor to get it checked out. I hate going to the doctor because you have to pay money for someone to label your issue and...that's about it. That's basically what happened today...They told me that what I have doesn't normally last as long as it has and are slightly concerned that it's going on so long and not getting better. And my oxygen levels were abnormally low and that I was "definitely sick". Joy. Anyways, I've been prescribed antibiotics and I need to get those filled and cough medicine and lots and lots of sleep and relaxation. I was even given a doctor's note to not work for the next four days. While this isn't the official for real cause, it was hinted that the cause for all of this nonsense is stress. What the what. It's barely week two of school. I'm already so stressed that I'm sick for a week and have two days of basically bed rest? Crap.

That little anecdote was my Thursday morning. To go on with the rest of my day, I had to miss all of my classes because my head throbbed. Awesome. I don't miss class. (I mean, I did last semester, but that was just..a rough semester..) Not only did I have to miss class, I had to miss my desk shift and meetings and IV. I had things scheduled literally back to back from 9:30am-2:00am. And I had to miss every single thing. The first few hours, I fought it. I got upset with my supervisors for making me go to the doctor. I was mad at myself for missing class and everything else. Literally, somebody had to take my hand and bring me to bed before I stopped fighting. To top all of this off, it thundered a lot today and I apparently have a huge fear of thunder.

After my friend left my room, I didn't sleep like I was supposed to. I couldn't. After a few minutes, I started to cry. And then the flood came. Pillow, blankets, sheets, you name it. They were all drenched. Full body shaking. At first, I had no idea why I was crying. Absolutely none, which ticked me off even more (I wasn't in the best of moods today).

Why the heck was I crying?! And then I realized why. I was ridiculously stressed. (Side note: I'm using past tense, even though it's probably present tense as well...)

• I was stressing about work.
• I was stressing about school.
• I was stressing about money.
• I was stressing about the future.
• I was stressing about tests and papers.
• I was stressing about the front desk.
• I was stressing about my hall. 
• I was stressing about my wing.
• I was stressing about my staff.
• I was stressing about my family.
• I was stressing about my friends.
• I was stressing about my car.
• I was stressing about people. 
• I was stressing about messes.
• I was stressing about programs.
• I was stressing about small things.
• I was stressing about big things.
• I was stressing about Items Tracking.
• I was stressing about Payroll.
• I was stressing about Packages.
• I was stressing about food.
• I was stressing about even more things that I don't want to write. 
• I was stressing about missing class.
• I was stressing about getting things done.
• I was stressing about other things I'm not willing to share.
• I was stressing about my calendar.
• I was stressing about my memory.
• I was stressing about seeking perfection.
• I was stressing about already missing a paper.
• I was stressing about missing a quiz (it was in class today). 
• I was stressing about my grades (yeah, already). 
• I was stressing about missing so many things this week.
• I was stressing about friendships.
• I was stressing about relationships. 
• I was stressing about driving.

The list goes on and on and on. All of those things, I didn't have to think about--because those are for real. Legitimately, I have been anxious about every single thing on that list. Trying to deal with those stressors, plus actually doing my job right, plus trying to do school, was just too much. After I cried and realized why I was crying, I felt slightly better. It relieved some of the tension in my head (unfortunately, it has all come back and I have a massive headache now). 

Usually, when I get sick it's because I go so hard and just kind run out of steam and crash. I'm sick for a few days, and then the cycle continues. Here lately, it's as if I hit that wall a lot sooner and a lot harder. 

I mean, the second week of school? Gosh.