Friday, September 13, 2013


I had my follow up concussion appt Monday. I retook the IMPACT test. I improved in some areas, regressed in others. Overall, somewhat improved, although "remarkable improvement" given my schedule, according to the doctor. She upped my medication, so now I have to take medicine morning, noon, and night. She wants me to slow down more. I asked her where the line was between pushing myself and trying to engage and when I should be resting. She said I'm not at the point where I should be pushing myself, I haven't improved enough. She said I need to be resting as much as possible and if I could go to bed even at 7pm and sleep through the night, that would be best.

This week, I struggled quite a bit. And, I did something to my shoulder (it seems like tendonitis), so I can't hardly use my right arm these last few days--hurts to extend, get dressed, raise hand, turn head, etc. And I still don't know if I'm allowed to take ibuprofen, which would probably work wonders.

Anyways. So, I have seriously been considering withdrawing from school. That's what the doctors want me to do. That's what other people's suggestions have been. Just delay school for one year. And in the past, I was so stubborn, I just said no way.

But I'm really struggling. It's hard to keep up. I'm not critically thinking like I was. I'm not as sharp.

Nearly every person who never knew me before the concussion has said I seem totally normal, and they wouldn't have known I had mTBI. At first, I was kind of offended, on one hand, and on the other, glad I was "normal". It dawned on me, these last few days, that I didn't realize how smart I actually was. I never realized that I was actually really good at things, until people have said I seem "normal". I've had difficult times in school, but I've never truly struggled to grasp things like I am now. I've never had so much trouble with my words, I've never gotten so confused or lost in discussions, like I do now. I didn't struggle with interactions like I do now. To those who haven't seen me or talked to me and just read this, I can't really explain how I am in person.

I'm just average person, I suppose. I keep up, I can do things, I can meet standards. I'm just not excelling. And excelling was what was normal for me. Excelling was meeting standards. Going beyond excellence was truly excelling to me.

I always thought I was "normal". I didn't realize I was actually good at what I did or how high my standards really were. That's been a huge revelation for me these past few days.

Anyways, withdrawing.

  • I could actually rest and truly recover. 
  • I wouldn't struggle like I am now.
  • I could go home. 
  • I would be doing what I'm supposed to be doing..
  • It would delay my plan. 
  • I wouldn't graduate when I'm supposed to.
  • Not my choice. Not my idea. 
  • Not really what I want. 
A few hours ago, I was bawling in my car. I've cried several times due to this thought. I've only had this conversation with two people, where we've seriously talked about this. And if I'm being honest, withdrawing probably is the right thing to do. It would just delay me a year. And I am really not doing great. But if I'm being more honest. I'll probably still pass this year. Even if I don't get "exceeds" and A's in everything. I'll still learn. Maybe not as much as I could, but I'll still learn a little. 

I don't know if it's the right choice or just me being stubborn. I don't know what it's going to look like, come mid term. A few hours ago, I was almost ready to begin the process. And I'm still considering it. 

And I have never in my life really considered withdrawing from school. Ever. 
So I'm struggling. And I don't know what to do. 

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