Thursday, May 11, 2017

Loneliness



I don't even know what to write about this...except something's gotta change. 

Monday, May 8, 2017

Discipleship

"Becoming a disciple does not mean doing a few religious things once a week and leaving the rest of our life the same. Authentic discipleship transforms all aspects of life, every day, at work, at home, in all relationships." -Dallas Willard

Beautiful Exchange, Hillsong


I heard this song for this first time yesterday at church and I have essentially been listening to it on repeat ever since.

I've really been thinking about being a Christian and a disciple of Christ. Well, avoiding is maybe the more appropriate word. I've been avoiding thinking about it. And if there is one thing I'm good at, it's avoiding. Truly, if I am not able to avoid a conversation, I will then avoid answering questions. I will literally sit in silence for however long needed to avoid the conversation. It's a skill, really. Sometimes, quite helpful. Other times...quite harmful. I avoid with people, I avoid with myself, and I avoid with God. Last night, I realized sometimes I try to trick myself and play worship music and pretend I'm at least trying to connect to God. Oftentimes, it's genuine. Other times, not so much. And recently, not so much. The actual idea of just sitting and listening. Or sitting and praying. Thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to.

I wrote out the lyrics of this song in my journal and then underlined the parts I loved the most...every line ended up being underlined. But here, I do want to highlight the beginning and what originally got me hooked:

You were near, though I was distant
Disillusioned I was lost and insecure
Still mercy fought for my attention
You were waiting at the door

So yesterday, that quote from Dallas Willard and that song happened. And the message was on Matthew 7:24-29, about the wise and foolish man building their houses on different foundations. My notes are basically as follows:

Essentially, everyone is building something (a life)--how are we building it and what are we building it on? We can tell based on our decisions, choices, reactions, relationships, and priorities. The storms will come, so it matters how I build.

What people often build on: career (me), family, health, money (sometimes me), accomplishments (me), hobbies. I need to choose. I can be an admirer from a distance (like basically what I've been since moving back) or follow Him in all decisions. I need to be a person who wrestles and chooses Jesus. Oftentimes, we believe from afar. In all areas, there is a challenge and I need to step out and do this. It all begins with a decision to base my life on Jesus. Will I follow and actively choose Him in all of my decisions. Jesus asks us to follow Him--not to be amazed by Him. He's not looking for me to be amazed by Him. He's looking for me to follow and obey Him and to be his disciple.

Today, I wrote this in my journal:
Be God honoring in all you do, Ashley. In the way you think, feel, act, interact. In the way in which you experience emotions and express them. It is about honoring, pursuing the God of this world. He needs to be your foundation, your base, your all. Your heart and what it longs after needs to be given attention and more important than your career, academics, relationships. Worship in all you do. Trust Jesus, Ashley. Trust that He's real. Trust that He's got you. Trust that He loves you. that He's worth more. Make an actual decision. Commit. Let Him in. Let other people in. Let people dig deep into you. And base your faith in Christ. 

I know I haven't been an authentic disciple in a long time, because I can keep it all separate. And I don't want that. Because my relationship with Jesus should permeate in all areas of my life. In a way that is real, genuine, kind, forgiving, patient, joyful. The fruits of the spirit should be evident in what I do, say, think, and act. I absolutely need people in my life to hold me accountable to this. 

Three Wishes

It has taken me MONTHS (years?) to decide what I would wish for if I had three wishes. I know it's a typical icebreaker question, but I've legit been mulling over this for a long time. Because once I make a decision, I have to stick with it! Even if it's just an icebreaker type question and not real. Plus, I think of Aladdin a lot, when he makes a wish and the genie needs him to be very specific, so I get worried. Silly, I know.

Anyways, I THINK I finally have decided. But not officially. So genie, these aren't my official wishes just yet!

1. That I could dance really well to anything. Mainly hip hop. Especially hip hop.
2. That I could listen/speak/read/write/understand any/all languages.
3. That I could have amazing handwriting and could write beautifully. This includes calligraphy and normal handwriting.


Sunday, February 12, 2017

Love Well


  • Love well. 
  • I want to be a person who interacts with others in a way that shows them they are valued, cared for, believed in, and loved. Get to know them. Approach people like they are wonderful, because they are. 
  • A good day is when we're able to connect to people heart to heart and invest in people and accomplish things
  • At some point, our opinions have to turn into decisions. 
  • How you see people will determine how you interact with them. 
  • No matter what kind of defeat you are going through, it's important to honor people along the way. 
  • If we prioritize harmony over everything, we aren't being challenged and we are trying to stay comfortable. 
  • Live everyday with intention. 
  • Be a person who offers grace, kindness, forgiveness, safety, regardless of what the other has done. 
  • When we believe in people, it will show in every interaction we have--our words, our writing, our behavior. 

Friday, February 10, 2017

Beers and Tears

I just heard this song for the first time today. 

And I will rise
Stand redeemed

All I have wanted to do is drink and cry. I haven't really done either...Okay, I'm having one beer right now, but I've been sipping it for a few hours! People ask me how I am and I tell them that I'm fine. And when they ask again, I say, "I'm tired".

And that's the truth. I'm tired. I'm tired, so tired. I'm tired of working literally all the time. I'm tired of not being able to sleep. I'm tired of not trusting people. I'm especially tired of feeling cynical.

This past while, I've started to become cynical. That has never been a word I would use to describe myself as. Ever. I've always strongly believed in people, the world, and systems. I don't believe people are out to get me or only out to "make a buck". People have joked throughout my life that I go through life with rose colored glasses and they aren't wrong. I love living life that way. It makes it so much better, more fun, and opens me up for more joy.

But lately. Lately, I've been cynical. I've been doubting and questioning and arguing. The other day someone I highly respect basically told me I'm oppositional. What? Me? I tried to fight them on it...which they just raised their eyebrows and I realized...oh. Shoot.

I've been doubting the agency I have pledged myself to. I've been doubting the work I do and the country I live in. The worst has probably been the doubting of the people I've always trusted. I've become cynical and have started assuming the worst. Or at least, not the best.

And that is tiring. I need people to bring me back to....me. To remind me that people are awesome. That people are doing the best they can, with what they have. That the people who I put my trust in are strong, ethical, brilliant, beautiful people who I can still trust. I need people to hold me accountable and call me out and say, "Ash...keep believing in people. Don't give up hope." I need people to let me cry and be mad and hurt and then say, "Okay, now keep going. Keep believing." I need to believe again that people are trying to make the decisions they really do think are best. That insurance agencies aren't these evil corporations. That for profits are good. I had always believed those to be true, but when all I hear and am surrounded by is how terrible certain people are or certain policies or certain types of corporations, it gets really hard to fight.

And fighting is tiring. So a couple weeks ago, I gave up fighting. But sitting, getting beat up, and constantly bombarded still with how terrible people and policies are isn't working either. So I need to get back to what I think is the most right.

That in general, people are good. Especially the people I decided to trust. That corporations and agencies, nonprofit and for profit, believe in helping the world. I'm not a cynical person. And I don't want to be one any longer.

I want to drink my beer, cry, journal, worship Jesus, believe in people, and trust people. 

Saturday, December 31, 2016

Grow


"Grow" Kolby Koloff

2015: Relentless
2016: Intentional 

2017: Grow

I want to grow in my faith, grow in my relationships, grow in my confidence. I want to grow my savings, my expertise, and my knowledge. I want to grow in my understanding of people and of Jesus. I want to grow as I set and deepen roots and grow with intention and with integrity.

I want to focus on growth. Sometimes, that's going to include being brave and taking risks...and I'm sure, vulnerability. 

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Values

I love voting. I love America. I love democracy. I love freedom.

I'm not a super passionate person. I'm really grateful there ARE super passionate people, I'm just not one of them (and I'm okay with that). Passion is a value and what people are passionate about are also values.

Passion is defined as "strong and barely controllable emotion."  I value objectivity, prudence, judgment, and critical thinking. I value being able to maintain control of my emotions in nearly all situations. I value the idea of not being so entrenched in a belief (including my belief in who Jesus is) that I can't potentially be swayed. Others value that they are so faithful that they couldn't be swayed in their belief. That's a value. Neither are wrong...you can only be wrong if there are facts involved.

I am so glad other people aren't like me. I'm also so glad other people are like me. We need lots of people who think things through and weigh decisions and we need lots of people who feel deeply and strongly and act on those feelings.

Regarding this specific election--

To my friends of color, LGBTQ, and other marginalized groups: I hear you, I hear the pain, I see the grief, and I hear the feelings of being fearful. Because justice is another strong value I have and one of my favorite words is "safe"; it's so important that you feel safe in America.

To my friends who voted for Trump: You're not stupid. And your values also matter. It's important you feel heard.

It's about values. Some people value financial security, others value financial freedom. Some value the topic of global warming as their top priority, others value rights of women, others value the Dakota Access Pipeline Movement, others value strong protection of borders, and others value education. There are thousands of values. And many of them clash and it's hard for them to coexist. Ergo, spirited debates and unfriending.

But what it is is values. And values aren't wrong. They just are. And people have them. Due to values, I was really torn between my value of being objective versus my understanding of people's passion and I thought that if I were to be objective, that means I'm a heartless person. I had to really wrestle through that.

I value that emotions don't get in the way for me and I value that I can see it from both sides and can be swayed. Many people value that they have a strong belief so much that they can't be swayed. And that's okay. They aren't close minded and I'm not heartless. I value particular topics, others value other topics. And that's okay.

For some, they don't want to interact with people with different values. And that's part of their value system. For others, they want to interact with people with different values, and that's part of their value system. So if you have friends who say "just unfriend me now", recognize their values. You'll also have a lot of friends who say welcome to my page, and it's okay no matter who you are, and recognize those values.

Again, it's about values. And values aren't wrong, they just are.

PS. See my post on unfriending (one of my values):
http://dearworld-ily.blogspot.com/2016/02/unfriending.html 



Also, Trump/Pence sounds like "Trumpets". Jam to this, might make you dance!