People are Amazing

And so is Google. I love Google so much. They are currently matching donations, 1:1, up to $11 million US dollars, 100% of the funds, to go towards helping the refugees. In less than twenty minutes, more than $20,000 has been donated (I keep refreshing, it's super cool seeing the numbers go up).

If I'm being honest, I donated just a little. And then I thought..Ashley, this is why you have money. So I did more. Sometimes, I have to give myself reminders and little nudges...Ash...you have money to serve people. You have money to give to others. You have money to make life better for other people. 

Oh, yeah. 

Money Commitment

With my money, I want to commit (at minimum, at this time):

• Sponsor 1 child through Compassion
• Make 1 Kiva payment every other week
• Tip minimum 20% (under $15, 50%)
• Actively pay off debt (car/student)
• Pay all bills timely
• Save for trip with friend

I Don't Want to Help People

Confession: I don't really want to help people. That's not my mission or life goal.

I want to be in a position where I can be part of the celebration of people.
At my old job, we had these called "hope stories". At the beginning of every formal/informal meeting, someone shared a hope story and we had to constantly send them in. And for whatever reason, I hated them. I like hope, I like stories, yet I hated these hope stories. As I thought more, I realized it's because they weren't told in a way that highlighted the strength of the persons who came, but rather said, "look at this broken person who came to us and we helped them". All the hope stories did was elevate us as better than those who came to us for help. And that's when I started to realize I didn't want to help people in the normal sense of the phrase.

I'm not a social worker to help people. I'm not doing my job to help people. I'm here because I believe in people. I believe in the strength and resiliency and dignity of people. I can "help" people in realizing that. But the individuals I work with help themselves. Below is one of my favorite posters. All I'm doing is handing out sticks. My job is to know the people I work with and hand them sticks, provide resources. They're doing all the hard work. People don't usually need help. They need someone to care and give them a stick.

When  I was in grad school, I was conflicted because I did believe in the phrase pull yourself up by your bootstraps, yet it seemed like my new role was to believe the opposite of that and I struggled with that cognitive dissonance. I had to figure out how to meld the two viewpoints together. And while I still believe in that phrase, I also believe that there are so many other steps before that and that's where my role is. 

Before you can "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" you have to know/have the following things:

1. What bootstraps are
2. How to use bootstraps
3. Have boots on
4. Know that you have boots
5. Find/buy your boots if you don't have them
6. Use your boots and move once you've "pulled yourself up"

With some individuals, they need support with all 6. Some just 1-2 of them. And that's my role. To identify which one(s) they need. Or maybe they just want to go barefoot or with another pair of footwear and figure out how we're going to do that.

It's not about me. It's about them. I don't think people need help. I think people need to know someone cares about them, believes in them, unconditionally supports them, advocates for them, is willing to meet them where they are at and sit in the discomfort, and cares enough to not let them stay where they are.

That's what I believe is my role and that's how I do my job. 

Matthew

I spent most of my day reading the book of Matthew, from the Bible. Here are a few things I got from it:

• Jesus raises the standard (Matt. 5:21-24)
• Serve others and do more than they expect (Matt. 5:38-42)
• Love more than expected. Include people. Get out of your own comfort zone and greet and engage with various people, who aren't like you. The world is big, be part of it. (Matt. 5:43-48)
• Take time for people, without losing sight of your mission. (Matt. 9:18-26)
• He doesn't need us, but he wants us. He desires for us to be part of His mission. (Matt. 10:1-17)
• Jesus respects other cultures/customs (Matt. 17:24-27) 
• When earnest questions are asked, He responds (Matt. 13:36-37)
• We are all invited to the Kingdom, and we all have a choice if we want to accept or not. If we choose yes and go, we have to know the cost. And we have to be prepared for that cost. (Matt. 22: 9-14)

To Be Known

The kind of person I want to be known as:

• Someone who takes time to really see and know people
• Someone who believes people are worthy of love and belonging
• Someone who is willing to take time for others
• Someone who adores and worships Christ, the Messiah
• Someone who spends money to better the world, other people, self

Head Injury Thoughts

For whatever reason, I've started thinking about my past head injury a lot lately. I've been thinking about how much it impacted me, then and now. And how much it just...kind of wrecked my life, to be honest. Sometimes I joke that it ruined my life. And it didn't, I don't know why I feel that way, but I do.

I'm looking back at my blog entries (begin in July 2013) to see my chronicles from the time. It's amazing the detail I put into it. It's evident of when I was doing better and when I wasn't. As I'm reading through them, I'm getting tears in my eyes because it's so clear that the girl who wrote those was seriously struggling. And I can see more and more when I look in hindsight as to why people were so concerned. I'm concerned about the girl who wrote those! You can just see the struggle and the emotional roller coaster of that time. There were so many posts that I would say, "I'm finally doing better!" And then the next post is, "Nope, not doing well." And then I realized, I just kind of suddenly stopped writing about it. Oye to the poodles!

Weirdly, after reading those entries, it has calmed me down a lot and helped me better process. This type of journaling has been really helpful for me. Thanks for being part of it. 

Brokenness Aside

The first time I heard this song, I wasn't a huge fan. But now, I'm hooked. It's called "Brokenness Aside" Will your grace run out if I let you down? Will you call me child when I tell you lies?

You take brokenness aside and make it beautiful. 

Something I struggle a lot with is jealousy. It's one of those struggles that's on the "inside" so it's something I can hide. It's one of those that can be disguised as good, because it can push me to do more and be more and attain more. It's something that can encourage me to work harder. It's also something that eats me up and swallows me. It's something that I have always struggled with. And some days I do better with than others.

Here lately, I've been losing the battle. Typically, I'm genuinely excited and happy for other people and their lives and accomplishments and such. But there are times when...not so much. And the not so much part comes from a lot of my own insecurities, the root one being that I'm not good enough. Which is something that has been woven throughout the writings here, something I've been able to start to verbalize or write and wrestle through. Again, some days I do better than others. Most days, I do better than before I could talk about it. And I do even better since I was able to identify it.

And what I just so love about Christ is that I can be comforted in that I am enough. And more than that, He is enough. A lot of Christianity is about how people sin and screw up and really, about how we aren't good enough on our own. But that's the just the first part. If you only look at that part, Christianity is kind of mean. But it's so beautiful because Christianity is also about this God who loves people so much, despite everything, and he came in the flesh and met us in our brokenness. And he said I love you, I love all of you. He takes my brokenness and makes it beautiful.

There is another fantastic song by Shane and Shane called "Embracing Accusation".
The father of  lies...All of my hopes of being good enough, I hear him saying cursed are the ones who can't abide. He's right. Alleluia, he's right. The devil is preaching the song of the redeemed, that I am cursed and gone astray, I cannot gain salvation. 

It then goes on to say...
The devil is singing over me an age old song. That I am cursed and gone astray. Singing the first verse so conveniently over me. He's forgotten the refrain...Jesus saves! 

We so often forget the refrain when looking at brokenness and sin. Yeah, it's there. But that's part of the beauty of Christ. Jesus saves. And alleluia, that is beautiful.

I struggle with jealousy. I let people down. I lie to myself and sometimes to others. And yet, I'm still loved, I'm still forgiven, I'm still redeemed.