Someone told me recently that I'm living an answered prayer. They reminded me of where I was a year ago compared to where I am now.
I started crying today for a myriad of reasons, but one of the main ones was gratitude. How grateful I am to have the friends I have. How grateful I am to have a God who loves me and a God who loves them. How grateful I am to finally start to feel rest and peace in the grace of friendships.
I don't know if these friendships will last forever--I certainly hope they do, but I'm starting to learn that's not always what happens. Instead of shying away from a deep friendship at the possibility that it won't last, I'm learning to lean into it. To lean into their love, their grace, their truth, their kindness, their space they are making just for me. To believe that they love me, even if, even when. And to create space for them and to draw them into truth, grace, love, patience, kindness, and goodness.
Friendship has always been such a sacred space. I can befriend nearly anyone, but to be friends with someone is different. And to be more in the depths of true friendship is a wild and beautiful thing and rare thing. It's scary, sometimes. It's peaceful, many times. It's lovely. It's frightening. It's fun. It's many things. And above all, it's worth it. There's a tenderness and a vulnerability with that. There is courage and compassion.
God keeps reminding me He didn't make me to live life alone. That His goodness is in people. And His goodness is in the friendships I'm cultivating.
Having the depths of friendships I'm starting to have--I never thought I'd get there. I didn't think I was capable of being this kind of friend and I didn't think I was worthy of having these kinds of friends ever again. To laugh blissfully with, to enjoy the sunshine with, to do car karaoke with (god bless them for putting up with my voice because I do love to sing), to say "Hey, I'm in the neighborhood, can I come over" (or, not even ask, just tell them I'm there), to stay up all hours of the night, to Marco Polo when we can't see each other. And to cry with, to pray for and with, to hold in the midst of confusion and heartbreak, to sit in the silence with, to yell and scream about the injustices of the world with, to wrestle and doubt and question our faith and goodness with.
These are the safe, God-ordained friendships that I'm leaning into right now. No matter where we are with our faith, to have faith that right now, we're loved.
