I've come to realize that my beliefs are what drove me, engaged me, had me wholly love people, inspired me. Essentially, they defined me. Losing those meant losing my core, my foundation. My entire being had been rocked.
I had my reasons for leaving those beliefs. But what took me by the most surprise was what kept me from returning to them. They weren't the same reasons for why I turned my back. I figured out the answers (almost) to my reasons for my disbelief in everything a few months ago. I thought that would then lead me back to my beliefs, considering that's where the answers pointed to. Unfortunately, what happened was there was then a whole new set of issues that arose, issues I wasn't even aware of until I thought I had figured out everything about my disbelief. It was hard enough having to deal with disbelief in everything I knew. It has been ten times harder battling the new struggles that arose.
It was like every time I tried to think about it, confront it, talk about it, I got worn out. So, I didn't.
I hate that I've lost my drive and my ability to really love. And I know that it's my faith in Christ and relationship with Him that did those things. And I know I can't do this alone. I know I need to share and trust.
There have been three songs that I've been hooked on.
"Worn" -Tenth Avenue North
"The Struggle" -Tenth Avenue North
"Grace" -Tenth Avenue North