I was "supposed" to have gone to India over this past summer for two months. I was going to go with other women from the United States and serve people in India. There were a lot of hard things I had to work through by not going, some of which I will share here, because I think I owe it to people to try to better explain what happened and how it affected me.
To better understand this post, I encourage you to read the posts where I began to tell about the trip and when I announced that I wasn't going to India.
June 5, 2011. India. I moved. I went. I acted. I didn't end up going, but that doesn't mean I was wrong. We are to always be moving and doing. Always go at full force. God is always the Provider. I still trust in Him and still follow hard after Him. He's not finished with me yet. I am still being used by Him. I cannot stop acting/moving. I can't stop trusting Him or fellow believers. I must still love, trust, and pray. God still loves me, still loves India.
I felt a weight lifted off when I decided not to go. I was doing too much, taking a lot on. But I never stopped moving or growing. I often felt alone, but I was always influencing and loving. I must continue to do, while also working on being vulnerable.
God is love. God calls us to act and love. Always.
Even though I didn't go to India, I was still affected by it. Not doing something you plan on doing sucks. Especially when it's due to money. When people ask me why I didn't go to India, I simply tell them, "I didn't raise enough money" and each and every time they say, "That sucks" and then we move on. End of conversation. It did, and does, suck. This is a list of some of the things I had to battle with by not going.
"Everything happens for a reason"?
Maybe I'm not good enough.
I wanted to stop trusting the Church.
I wanted to stop moving.
I had to deal with my pride...again.
I was mad at the Church.
- So many people said that if God wanted me to go, I would have gone.
- I didn't go, so does that mean God didn't want me to go? I'm not so sure. I struggled a lot with this concept over the summer because I didn't understand this. God can work miracles, so why didn't He? I didn't understand it, and I still don't fully. Because I do think that we need to always be acting, doing, and moving. Jesus tells us to go tell the nations, so how does that line up with Him not wanting me to go? I'm working on a better answer.
- This saying drives me crazy. I read that is, everything that happens was supposed to happen. That doesn't make any sense. You're telling me that all this hurt is supposed to happen? That when someone is raped, that was supposed to happen? That when people don't care, that's supposed to happen? I disagree. Yes, people can learn from things. Yes, God can do cool things through crummy situations. But I don't think that means that the crummy things were actually supposed to happen. What I got to do because I didn't go to India was neat and really good and actually, quite necessary. But I think that if I went to India, that would have also been neat and really good and actually, quite necessary.
- Lie. I am good enough. I am strong enough. I do love Jesus. I do love people. I do care about the sex industry. This one was the hardest to handle.
- With a mission trip like this, one person isn't going. Rather, each person is backed by the Church. I needed people to pray for me. I needed people to support me. I needed people to help fund the trip. I didn't have $4,200. But I could do quick math to realize that only a small number of people needed to be sacrificial with their giving for me to go. I raised about half of what I needed. I needed help from the Church, and I didn't get it. I didn't want to ask the Church for help ever again. I didn't want to share my life or be vulnerable with any part of me with the Church, because the Church wasn't there for me when I most needed it.
- I felt like I failed. I tried to move, and it didn't work. The easiest response is to just stop.
- I had to deal with my pride when I had to ask for help to go to India. When that didn't happen, I had to deal with my pride and tell people that I essentially failed. Because when you tell people that you're no longer going on a mission trip, they look at you differently. You no longer seem like a worthy person or Christian to them. Dealing with that and fighting that off is the pits.
- For not helping fund me, but most especially because I was told, "I don't support you, because India isn't safe". I know it's not safe. That's WHY I am going there. It's not safe, but I trust Jesus. It's not safe, but I love the people there. It's not safe, but I don't care because my life isn't mine. If I say I live to serve, I mean it. If the Church says she lives to serve, I sure as heck don't see it. The Church had the opportunity to do something and she didn't. I was mad.
Those are the main things I have had to really try to understand and battle throughout these last couple of months. I think there are more, but it's past 4:00 in the morning...
I do want to say that I am doing better with these things. I had to work with God on my frustrations with Him and the Church. I was most frustrated with the Church, and that's something I'm still not "over" yet. Trusting, and in a sense, forgiving, the Church has been a hard process, especially because this wasn't the only time I felt like I had been let down by the Church. Even though I didn't go to India, I was still affected by it.